My son wanted a picnic :)

No added fats

Wheat bread, and turkey and romaine as a snack. I miss cheese. But it's just this week! I can do it!

hmmmm this week.

not much to update, although i will say i am kind of dreading "weigh in". i havent owned my own scale in ever. seriously. i HATE them. but i had to get one for my weight management classes. since they are online, and im taking at least 6 months of the class i needed it...and the only thing more nervewracking than buying the scale was the measuring tape that i needed too. every week measurements of neck, arms, thighs, hips and waist, and my weight.ewwww. before i dive more into the class, just an update on my self confidence and esteem. a few weeks ago i bought a skirt in a size 24. it was a very baggy skirt, so i knew it wasnt true size, but yesterday my sister gave me 2 pairs of size 22s and a size 24 jean. they fit damn near perfectly. its irritating really. i am looking through old pictures on the memory card in my phone and im seeing myself in size 14 pants....or size 12. and here i am 18 months later HERE?! its my doing, and the pregnancy, so im trying to not be hard on myself. after all, i have photos of me after i had my son and even 8, 9, 10 months later i was still around this weight that i am now. the weight loss really picked up right before my son was about 11 months old and then progress until he was about 2. then it started coming back. why? because i ate reeses pieces all the time. i was so comfortable in my postfat body that i thought i was invincible. its as if losing the weight means it wont find you again when you make shitty choices. NOT TRUE. 

i know this time it will be better. i know the ins and outs of weight loss. sure, there are days when i think...shit, im 258 lbs. what the hell?! and i get mad and pissed and irritated that i have to do it all over again.

 then i look at Maya. i look at her and think..i would NOT be this fat had i not been pregnat with her perfect self. i would walk through fire for this girl, why wouldnt i be willing to happily walk through fat for her? and i think....yes, ive lost 30 lbs since she came. i cant see much of a difference really. but im stronger. and she sees me and doesnt see fat. she sees mamma. my son doesnt see fat, he sees pretty mahmee..."his heart" as he says. and who the hell can complain about weight when the two most important people ever think im beautiful :) itll be a long process. i just gotta tell myself. maya is 4.5 months old. did i expect to be 195 by this time? hell no! i expected to lose all the weight by month 10. ive got 4.5 MORE months to go. and i am challenging myself with this class and such. im making changes, and changing my body. im doing it. and i gotta start somewhere. my somewhere was 30 lbs ago. im NOT 288 lbs right now. im mid challenge and so what if ive got some tme and lbs to lose!? its going to come off if i am consistent. im trying to tell myself dont get mad that its not gone by 5 months..get mad if its not gone by 18 months. puts some of the pressure away :) 

anyhow. a few victories. ive eaten a smoothie every day for a bit. feel great and it helps digeston :) drinking more water. yesterday i had a subway sammich instead of the shit i wanted to eat. 

small victories. im on sub sammich closer to a better healthier weight :)

so the class.

the class is entirely online, and even the professor admits it would be easy to cheat. as she points out though, it would only be cheating ourselves. every week there is a "health habit" something easy like "drink 8 glasses of water a day" and each week it changes. there is also a journal entry, and required 20 mins of cxardio or exercise 3x a week. its good, gives me something and someone to be accountable to. here is my first entry. 

 Weight: 258.0 (EWWWWW however this IS 30 lbs down from 02.15.2012, the day i had my daughter :])

Measurements:

• Waist: 51"
• Hips: 46"
• Thigh: 27.5"
• Arm: 16"
• Chest: 47.5" (is it possible that i dont report on this one? i breastfeed currently, and i really dont think it will be a reliable measurement...my chest size changes every few hours :)

a little about me: in 2008 i had my son, and my starting weight was 281lbs. in 18 months i shrunk down to 195lbs. i did gain a little back before we became pregnant with our daughter. and i ballooned to 288. im not a graceful pregnant woman i guess! :) because i am breastfeeding, i am not limiting my calories, but i do count them a bit and i choose healthy options. i do not support or believe in diet pills or shakes or anything like that, but starting last week i do drink an all fruit smoothie that i make in the morning to kick start my energy. im determined to shave off a few more lbs through exercise and healthy food options. i knwo i wont hit the end goal (180 lbs) anytime soon but everything is a step!

longterm goal: weight: 180 lbs

goal for the end of this year: lose 30 lbs.

short term goals for this class: 

drink more water

get 60 minutes or more cardio for the week plus strength workouts

eat more fruits and vegetables and add more fish to my diet

so this week i have struggled. i am HORRIBLE at drinking the appropriate amount of water unless im accountable to someone else (thank goodness for this class). sometimes i had to force it a lot at once because id forget throughout the day. i think im going to bargain with myself. No coffee until i have a glass of water, a glass of water before lunch. a glass of water before dinner and after. i think that may be the only way i do it. i also bought some Mio to put in. honestly it helped me drink a TON more because i think it made me more thirsty, but it felt a bit too unnatural and i didnt like it.

i made some poor choices foodwise, but im not beating myself up about it. i had some cheesecake and frozen yogurt, but thats gonna be my life. its not feasible to say i wont ever have sweets, i just need to be accountable.

 anyway, we'll see how next week goes!

Health Habit:

8 glasses of water a day/ YES (but BARELY) i actually started this 2 weeks ago.

exercise: 

Monday: 20 minutes weights and strength 

Tuesday: 20 minutes weights and strength

Wednesday: 20 minutes weights and strength and 30 minutes walking

just a reminder....for me...and for you

an updateish thingyy

sooooo i wish i could say a LOT has changed and ive suddenly been dropping weight like flies (odd thing to say, this i know and subsequently dont care:] )but NO.

i can say i have lost a little, and damn straight too! today is monday June 25th. as of tomorrow i will have been sick for 2 weeks. one week with a flu, the next with a head cold. lots of chicken soup lies in my recent past, and lots of expulsion of nutrients. lots of clear liquids and lots of fruits and veggies when i could eat.

i lost about 4.5lbs in the last 4 weeks ish. im trying to tell myself to not get too excited because some of that s water weight, but some is me. i HAVE made smart choices (i now start my day with a fruit smoothie, and we're talking fruit. iwill start adding some nonfat yogurt to get some calcium and probiotics in there, but its very fresh and very filling! this said, if i am hungry, i eat a little after). until i got sick i was walking/jogging (okay who am i kidding it was VERY little jogging and MOSTLY walking) about 5/6 days a week.

I carry my 15 lb baby everywhere, and wear her when i can. Ive got 3 new pairs of shoes over the last 4months aimed at optimal fitness impact.

i still technically breastfeed exclusively, even if that excusivity comes by way of my medela.but with an output of 35-50oz a day depending, id say it should still count dammit.

i make exercise wherever i go. i dont want it to get boring, so if i dont wanna walk my nightly walk...damn it im walkign around walmart for an hour. SOMETHING.


MOVE may MOVE.

so as it stands as of last wednesday, i weighed myself (right after the flu as the head cold started) at 257.something. which is 31 lbs lost since the day i had my girl. the original plan was 88lbs in 44 weeks. i figured it would be reasonable. im way behind this by about 13ish lbs, right now. so instead lets go by the old adage "it takes 40 weeks to put it on, give it forty weeks to come off". this should mean that in 40 weeks i should lose 60 lbs. so 4.5 months in im halfway to my smaller goal.

i DO get discouraged. but i still hold my ability to accept and embrace the challenge. kind of. :) i want to see results, i understand that some things i do wont get me there, or they will set me back (like when my throat hurt so bad my dinner was a pint of ben and jerrys pb and banana frozen yogurt....in record time mind you). but i accept these things. its not over til its over, and every decision i make is just part of it. that pint set me back 3 days in my mind. i dont beat myself up. i really only beat myself up when i am being good and nothing happens....but if i had the choice, id rather beat up someone else. you feel me?

ill post pictures later. when im in a better mood. although...its about time to pump, and the ladies look great! when its time to pump, my waist always looks smaller :)

be real, accept your reality, and change it if you dont like it. its up to you.
until next time.

Shut up skinny may

oh what a horrible week.

imma keep it short. 

this week was fucking depressing. 

why? oh...LET ME TELL YOU. 

so a friend came over. someone who hadnt seen me in months. (this statement alone had me doubting my importance in her life. best friends dont go 12 weeks between visits.)

when mentioning i had an appt to check and see what was wrong with my reproductive organs since delivery she asked, with her foot in her mouth mind you, "would that be why your belly is still swollen?"

i was so taken aback i couldnt retort the many thoughts in my head "no im just fat." or "no...i just had a baby a few months ago." or "what.the.hell."

see...ive cut out most dairy since my girl is sensitive. i eat relatively healthy. no fast food or lots of processed crap. i walk/jog/run every day. even when i DONT wanna go walking or running, i make myself...even if its to the mailbox or walking around walmart. i DO it. i was NOT happy to hear that basically my body hasnt changed since she saw me 12 weeks prior. it was hard to not break down while she was there. after she left...i bawled. 

to add insult to injury the appt with the OB was today to check on why i was having problems. 

i stepped on the scale. 

ONE lb. in EIGHT weeks. 

thats it. 

all my sacrifices and work. 

for ONE LB. 

stupid. 

i cried. a LOT. 

then broke down and went to buy something to wear. all i have is nursing tanks and yoga pants. 

i had busted out my fat clothes box....nothing in it fit me :(

to my surprise i was NOT going to fit in an 18 like i suspected. 

(keep in mind i was a size 12 in January 2011.)

i was NOT even a TWENTY. 

a twenty two. 

from 12-22 in a year and some change. 

how disheartening. how irritating. how mind numbing. 

everyone says "you did it once you can do it again"

no shit i did it once. i remember. it sucked. most people dont have to do the whole routine twice. 

why do i have to? because my body sucks at being pregnant? it cant just grow with the baby it has to grow around it?

as quickly as my fetuses cells multiply...so do mine? its dumb. 

im mad. 

im pissed.

im bummed. 

but i STILL exercised today. 

SCREW YOU DOUCHEBAG BODY!!!!!

I am BETTER than YOU!!!!

im NOT a fat girl. 

this BODY is NOT who i AM!

i heard once the quote "you do not have a soul. you are a soul. you have a body."

this makes sense. i am not a fat girl. 

i am a beautiful person that got fucked over with a shitty body. it has been beautiful and amazing many a time. and it will be again. 

years ago on my sons blog 

(www.dear-julian.blogspot.com)

i promised him by the time he was two he would have a slim, svelte, healthy mamma. 

i followed through. 

fortunately the following year gave him a sister!

unfortunately the following year also gave his mom all her weight back. 

so i commit the same to my daighter. my beautiful girl. the most perfect thing that could come from this wretched weighted body. 

my soul will prevail, Maya. 

and i will be healthyf or you and brother. i will show you soul has more determination than body. 

and i will be me all around. 

much love.