Preparation!

100 calorie bags of carrots for noms.

and fresh made froxen strawberries and peaches! :)

perfect for my smoothies!

251.6

trust the process!!!

ive been reading "the skinny rules" by bob harper which is wonderful. eye opening really, and it outlines the new lifestyle, as opposed to a diet. 

anyway, we all know i trust bob harper and every word he says because hes cute, fit, and he gets results. 

he says its okay to weigh in every day. that it can be motivating and not detrimental to weightloss. 

so i do. 

and every morning i step on the scale expecting to see a positive. 

instead, every day for the last 6 days, i have seen nearly a lb lost. last saturday i weighed in at 257. today, friday, i weighed in at 251.6.

i have ben tracking on myfitnesspal (BEST APP EVER). and i can SEE the calories i eat and burn. but i still expect failure. thats the result of a lot of halfass attempts that i didnt get results, and a couple full attempts that didnt yield results either. 

im excited though. we started eating fish. tried talapia. i like it! and there is even some parmesan encrusted talapia that is really low calorie! 

ive made a few of bobs changes. 

i allow myself to go to bed hungry by not eating after dinner. 

i drink water before each meal. 

i ate FISH! 

i eat berries everyday (i make a smoothie every morning, fresh fruit, some frozen berries, a spoon or two of yogurt for texture...its helped a ton!)

im excited to eventually get back to my goal. as time goes on ill believe the numbers. i know i will. it just takes awhile to change your perception of reality. 

i love me. 

go love you!

IRRITATION. and pictures. BEWARE.

lets see how many UNFLATTERING pictures i can take eh? haha in glasses, unplucked, face unwashed, just blah. 

but you know what? sometimes you have to STRIP it all down and see it at its worst to work towards the "at its best" portion. i should know...ive done it already before. 

but ive been having a rough time.  these pictures were taken two weeks ago ish? not much as changed. ive been counting calories with the myfitnesspal App. AWESOME app. my brother in law has lost 26 lbs this month with it, and my sister has lost 12.2 so far this month. me? ive gained 2 lbs. WHAT THE FUCK? seriously? i dont get it. J suggested maybe my thyroid problem is back. im scared to find out. us chubby people, we all have those moments when you think "shoot. maybe ill NEVER lose weight".

im SO happy for my Brother in Law and my Sister. but this is ridiculous! i know i know 30 lbs in 5 months is good. yeah its "good" for a normal person to lose 30 lbs in 5 months is great but for someone who just had a baby? shit, 15 of that comes off THAT DAY practically. so really ive lost like 15 lbs in 5 months. neither number is impressive.

so here it is. this. ick. this grossness. 

im better than this. im confident, and sexy and beautiful. THIS isnt me. 

and dammit, thyroid or not im defeating this body that has failed me and im giving it the finger. 

i alot myself about 1900 calories. (the 1400 i would normally eat to lose weight plus 500 for breastfeeding, still puts me at a low calorie number). yeah BREASTFEEDING. i should be losing like a lb a week JUST doing that. what is happening in this body?! i havent exceeded that amount this whole week. im getting irritated and stubborn and determined. and body...you do NOT want to see me angry. 

soon. itll come off. it has to. it has no choice. this isnt me. and i love me. i want me back. 

meh. 

sorry for these in advance :] ill put better ones up soon. 

My son wanted a picnic :)

No added fats

Wheat bread, and turkey and romaine as a snack. I miss cheese. But it's just this week! I can do it!

hmmmm this week.

not much to update, although i will say i am kind of dreading "weigh in". i havent owned my own scale in ever. seriously. i HATE them. but i had to get one for my weight management classes. since they are online, and im taking at least 6 months of the class i needed it...and the only thing more nervewracking than buying the scale was the measuring tape that i needed too. every week measurements of neck, arms, thighs, hips and waist, and my weight.ewwww. before i dive more into the class, just an update on my self confidence and esteem. a few weeks ago i bought a skirt in a size 24. it was a very baggy skirt, so i knew it wasnt true size, but yesterday my sister gave me 2 pairs of size 22s and a size 24 jean. they fit damn near perfectly. its irritating really. i am looking through old pictures on the memory card in my phone and im seeing myself in size 14 pants....or size 12. and here i am 18 months later HERE?! its my doing, and the pregnancy, so im trying to not be hard on myself. after all, i have photos of me after i had my son and even 8, 9, 10 months later i was still around this weight that i am now. the weight loss really picked up right before my son was about 11 months old and then progress until he was about 2. then it started coming back. why? because i ate reeses pieces all the time. i was so comfortable in my postfat body that i thought i was invincible. its as if losing the weight means it wont find you again when you make shitty choices. NOT TRUE. 

i know this time it will be better. i know the ins and outs of weight loss. sure, there are days when i think...shit, im 258 lbs. what the hell?! and i get mad and pissed and irritated that i have to do it all over again.

 then i look at Maya. i look at her and think..i would NOT be this fat had i not been pregnat with her perfect self. i would walk through fire for this girl, why wouldnt i be willing to happily walk through fat for her? and i think....yes, ive lost 30 lbs since she came. i cant see much of a difference really. but im stronger. and she sees me and doesnt see fat. she sees mamma. my son doesnt see fat, he sees pretty mahmee..."his heart" as he says. and who the hell can complain about weight when the two most important people ever think im beautiful :) itll be a long process. i just gotta tell myself. maya is 4.5 months old. did i expect to be 195 by this time? hell no! i expected to lose all the weight by month 10. ive got 4.5 MORE months to go. and i am challenging myself with this class and such. im making changes, and changing my body. im doing it. and i gotta start somewhere. my somewhere was 30 lbs ago. im NOT 288 lbs right now. im mid challenge and so what if ive got some tme and lbs to lose!? its going to come off if i am consistent. im trying to tell myself dont get mad that its not gone by 5 months..get mad if its not gone by 18 months. puts some of the pressure away :) 

anyhow. a few victories. ive eaten a smoothie every day for a bit. feel great and it helps digeston :) drinking more water. yesterday i had a subway sammich instead of the shit i wanted to eat. 

small victories. im on sub sammich closer to a better healthier weight :)

so the class.

the class is entirely online, and even the professor admits it would be easy to cheat. as she points out though, it would only be cheating ourselves. every week there is a "health habit" something easy like "drink 8 glasses of water a day" and each week it changes. there is also a journal entry, and required 20 mins of cxardio or exercise 3x a week. its good, gives me something and someone to be accountable to. here is my first entry. 

 Weight: 258.0 (EWWWWW however this IS 30 lbs down from 02.15.2012, the day i had my daughter :])

Measurements:

• Waist: 51"
• Hips: 46"
• Thigh: 27.5"
• Arm: 16"
• Chest: 47.5" (is it possible that i dont report on this one? i breastfeed currently, and i really dont think it will be a reliable measurement...my chest size changes every few hours :)

a little about me: in 2008 i had my son, and my starting weight was 281lbs. in 18 months i shrunk down to 195lbs. i did gain a little back before we became pregnant with our daughter. and i ballooned to 288. im not a graceful pregnant woman i guess! :) because i am breastfeeding, i am not limiting my calories, but i do count them a bit and i choose healthy options. i do not support or believe in diet pills or shakes or anything like that, but starting last week i do drink an all fruit smoothie that i make in the morning to kick start my energy. im determined to shave off a few more lbs through exercise and healthy food options. i knwo i wont hit the end goal (180 lbs) anytime soon but everything is a step!

longterm goal: weight: 180 lbs

goal for the end of this year: lose 30 lbs.

short term goals for this class: 

drink more water

get 60 minutes or more cardio for the week plus strength workouts

eat more fruits and vegetables and add more fish to my diet

so this week i have struggled. i am HORRIBLE at drinking the appropriate amount of water unless im accountable to someone else (thank goodness for this class). sometimes i had to force it a lot at once because id forget throughout the day. i think im going to bargain with myself. No coffee until i have a glass of water, a glass of water before lunch. a glass of water before dinner and after. i think that may be the only way i do it. i also bought some Mio to put in. honestly it helped me drink a TON more because i think it made me more thirsty, but it felt a bit too unnatural and i didnt like it.

i made some poor choices foodwise, but im not beating myself up about it. i had some cheesecake and frozen yogurt, but thats gonna be my life. its not feasible to say i wont ever have sweets, i just need to be accountable.

 anyway, we'll see how next week goes!

Health Habit:

8 glasses of water a day/ YES (but BARELY) i actually started this 2 weeks ago.

exercise: 

Monday: 20 minutes weights and strength 

Tuesday: 20 minutes weights and strength

Wednesday: 20 minutes weights and strength and 30 minutes walking