RESTLESS.

just walking by and i couldnt help. my periphery saw this...and it cringed.

omg.this is oddly reminiscent of the immediately post partum pictures.

shudder.

lookit that epic side roll!

so before you say anything let me start by saying im UNBELIEVABLY gracious for the doctor i have, and that i am confident the result will be benign. i just have a feeling (one i hope is right!). the tumor that was in me is now NOT in me, sitting in some biohazard box somewhere rotting and dead. 

but lets be honest, i feel gross. i feel chubby and thick and big. its hard, because this was an internal procedure. there is no external incision to speak of. but the bottom line is the doctor artificially opened me up, took a camera, a hook, and a torch and removed a tumor and cauterized the lining.  the INSIDE of my organ took a beating. and my entire body is reacting. hey, rachel. remember when you had a BABY? and your FACE swelled and your FEET swelled? its all connected.even if it doesnt seem right, your body is doing what it feels is the best defense, and it WILL get better!

i KNOW its the surgery. but what part of trying to better your health doesnt want to be in tip top shappe at all times? bottom line is my HEAD looks at this and says...DONT COMPLAIN IF YOU ARENT GONNA GET UP AND FIX IT! but then i know i CANT get up and fix it. its a horribly vicious cycle. one which i am aware of, but i have to wait it out and trust the process. 

another side of me thinks...maybe this ISNT swelling and THIS is what i REALLY look like. and Who was i kidding when i thought i looked thinner? 

its just this devil side, the fat side, that doesnt allow me to see the thin. 

im going to beat this inner demon. 

i CAN do this. 

this IS temporary. 

i AM stronger. 

i am HEALTHIER.