:]

devin was about 4...so this mustve been about 4 years ago?
this was me about 3 years ago :]
this was right after i had Julian, i had to throw this in to make me feel better for all the progress. lookit that face! :]
i miss this.
and this.
lol i even made an EEG look good.
this is the one i went to get. i didnt know how to be less awkward, luckily ive grown into my features :] unluckily ive grown into my features :(
:] not the best photo, but look at my definition! i miss this. and this is what i work for.

doesnt it feel good to sweat? yes, only when you are intending to :]

Jbug woke me at 530 this morning, and i decided to stay awake.

i went to a show last night, my friend Evan's band, Break as we Fall (amazing btw...go see them. www.myspace.com/breakaswefall) at a bar and grill and sipped on fruit juice and water and ate a fruit bowl. i wasnt hungry really, and didnt want to mow down on a huge burger or anything.

upon hearing a sexy rexy song, can you say Butterfly by Mr Jason Mraz? i got a kick in my pants.

i miss feeling sexy. i feel good almost all the time, pretty beautiful, adorable lovely.
but i havent felt sexy in awhile.

i also found a photo from years ago at a keane concert with my sister (another shameless band plug) and it made me miss THAT body.

im still me, and i still LOVE me, and i think anyone who wants to lose weight needs to love themselves first before they think a new body will help.
i love who i am, and i dont need to lose weight to love and be loved, but it helps me feel good.

im gonna show that photo...hold please bloggers:

okay they loaded above.

the sad thing, is when i was this small i didnt do it necessarily the right way. when i was in high school i had some horrible methods, and never again will i be THAT girl.

i deserve to EARN it.

and my son deserves his mom to be the BEST she can be. :]

i dont know why i hated running, or why sometimes i still dont just go do it. after the first 10 minutes run slash walking i feel phenomenal. :]

all right ass, get.in.gear. :]

im gonna be someones butterfly.

placed a bet.

with H.

for every lb lost, we pay each other a buck. lets see who comes out on top :]

goal now is to get to my actual license weight. it would be a trip to be the only person i know with the real weight :]

frustrated.

why?

because im chubby. still around 210 with nothing to show for it.

and its my fault. im not going to make excuses.

i have the ability to go a week without smoking but i cant stop eating crappily and just lose the rest of the weight.

its time to get this off and im tired of feeling this way and saying the same thing over and over again.

biggest loser finale.

it always makes me feel like today is the day!

but it really is.

see, the other day i ran and walked a lot! and i found a love and apprecation.

watching the transformations today of Sam, Koli, Stephanie, Oneal and SunShine...it just solidified that i can do it. and i can have that moment.

its been 3 days since i watched the episode of dr oz on cancer.

also havent smoked in 3 days.

im so determined.
how can i look at my child and not do EVERYTHING in my power to preserve my quality of life to ensure i do what i can to be here with him! i may not live forever and i dont know when my tme is up...but it wont be without a fight...or something i can control...if i can help it.

i have 33 more lbs to go. less than 6 months i can be there :]

motivation s welcome!

obese again...wtf?

209.

yeah not happy about that.

watched dr oz today. silly bob harper. but i did learn a lot about preventing cancer.

from here on out im eating healthy and being active and really going to work on not smoking.

boppa has cancer and is being treated with something related to tuberculosis.

i registered for school.

my ex bf and ex bff got married today.

my laptop broke.

my mind is exploding sometimes with all thats going on, but i will get through it.

i have a Julian. an amazing Julian.

and i can make it all happen.

anything for him.

33lbs to goal! i just took a 15 lb detour :]

all right its time.

time to get back on the wagon.



in other news.


i went to the community college and took another step.

did the fafsa in february.

enrolled as a student in march.

and today i took a placement test.

as expected i earned a 98 in writing, a 99 in reading, and a 62 in math.
thats right folks. im going to have to take high school math.
sigh.

tomorrow i go to see if i can get enough financial aid.

im really hoping and praying.
i want this. for me for julian for jamie for my family.

this could be good.


Praying!

ugh

yep ive been bad. i know ive been bad, so i havent weighed myself in over a month or whatnot.

i dont want to. the only reason i keep writing on here when i do is in the hopes one day i come back from this and this hurdle is just another chapter in a success story lol.

i quit my job.

im looking into going to school and STRESSED about it.


i want such a good life for my baby boy, and its up to me to get it, i just am scared ill choose the wrong way.

im having and learning more faith as the days go by.

thank God for my son and my wonderful man who is standing behind me and his family :]

im in love, and im just living day to day learning whats in store.

getting better at eating better again, and working on planning life for a family that will grow and will be proud of me.


life is good.

even if it is a little chubby :]