Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

ugh

yep ive been bad. i know ive been bad, so i havent weighed myself in over a month or whatnot.

i dont want to. the only reason i keep writing on here when i do is in the hopes one day i come back from this and this hurdle is just another chapter in a success story lol.

i quit my job.

im looking into going to school and STRESSED about it.


i want such a good life for my baby boy, and its up to me to get it, i just am scared ill choose the wrong way.

im having and learning more faith as the days go by.

thank God for my son and my wonderful man who is standing behind me and his family :]

im in love, and im just living day to day learning whats in store.

getting better at eating better again, and working on planning life for a family that will grow and will be proud of me.


life is good.

even if it is a little chubby :]

on that note

im going to go cuddle in bed and think about grocery shopping for GOOD foods tomorrow (not going on an empty stomach, going to JUST stick to the list), working out, my goals, and read up on the new issue of HEALTH magazine with Jillian Michaels on the cover.

im thinking also about a small detox. just from the random crap i put in my body sometimes. no fast food. no energy drinks (i rely on them too much for bad days and skip the water without thinking...ill admit to you random strangers, i had 3 THREE! sugar free rockstars. they are awesome, but not good for you :[ sigh), i will drink a LOT of water with NO artificial sweeteners, and work on mostly veggies while still creating properly balanced meals.

im going to try that for a week and see how i feel.

any ideas? tips...tricks?

let me know.

i need help.

a little backstory about my big backside.

I am almost 23.

i've worked at a desk job for almost 5 years.

and I just had a baby 10 months ago.

I have a family history of Diabetes and Thyroid problems.

this is not a great equation.

I, like most fluffy adults, had a problem from adolescence.

i was a leaner kid, but enter middle school and high school and it got the best of me.

i had some self esteem issues, and ill be honest, ended up with some bad eating habits...and disorders.

i cleaned up though and entered age 18 at a new job working for a wireless company call center.

i was 5 ft9'' and about 175 lbs...165 if you look at my license. this was June of 2005.

i wasnt rail thin but i wasnt very fluffy. i was healthy.

by January 2008 i was 235 lbs, and started to exercise and eat healthy to lose weight so my love and i could try for a baby. i got down to 220 by April when i found out i was pregnant.

Exercised moderately for 7 months...until i started to feel HORRIBLE. i hardly gained at all until then, but then this raging appetite and lbs of water weight packed on. i was gaining at one point 12 lbs between 2 week appointments. doctor said it was water weight but as my pregnancy gain reached 60 lbs i was so disheartened.

When i went in for labor and delivery after my water broke in December 2008 i was 281 lbs. another 9 lbs of weight from swelling and water weight and IV drips brought me to 290 before i had him.

i weighted almost 300 lbs at 5'10'' and 22 years old!

shortly after j was born i experienced the tragic loss of a friend of mine, the third friend in 3 years.

i started to eat healthy and exercise to drop the weight, and miraculously i dropped 70 lbs by April 2009! it was cake! i had energy up the wazoo.

i kept up the healthy lifestyle, but plateaued.

then gained 13 lbs in 2 weeks.

started experiencing muscle pain and incredible fatigue and i couldnt figure it out. neither could the doctors. my thyroid levels were up...then down...the rheumatologist showed no rheumatoid arthritis. they were stumped.

for 3 months i felt this way every waking moment. but in July, i met a wonderful doctor who figured it out. my endocrinologist explained i had Postpartum thyroiditis. a skyrocket in thyroid hormones and then a plummet shortly after. it explained everything, and explained why i kept gaining. some days were horrible. id feel so bad that i was eatign right and exercising, and still gaining that some days i would binge. one day i was so pissed i ate 5 donuts on top of my normal food.

the thing about PPT is after a year it typically goes away...but for some, especially women who have family history...it might stay and you end with hypothyroidism forever. we started hormone thyroid medication. and now its a waiting game. to get my levels retested after J is a year old.

Biggest loser is my favorite show.

i watch it every week and sit on my yoga ball watching in awe...wishing i could quit my job and exercise. i recently learned their intake is 1200 in 6000 out per day in calories or something like that. not so sure i could do that.

but i recently started working out.

and it really helps to hear Jillian Michaels and Bob Harpers voices ring in my head....

this is my blog.

this is me trying to overcome this plateau and get the right motions happening.

i am currently yo yoing between 215 and 225

and i want back that 175.

i dont need 130 lbs.

i dont need a size 2.

i dont WANT that either.

those doctors may say my healthy weight is 135 lbs...i say screw it. i never appreciated 175 as much as i do now. i looked good. lean. firm.

to be honest, i dont care what the weight is if i could get into a size 10, i'd be a happy camper.

this is all about things i learn...mistakes i make and successes i achieve.

feel free to give me advice...

this is a topic i dont mind uncolicited advice about ; ]

but im only doing this the healthy way.

calorie counting, exercising. making smart choices...

im gonna do it.