Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

Doing it.

Bout 3 miles in tonight. :) lip synching...loudly. I hope people are watching. :) tonight on repeat is break even by the script. But there has been some adam lamber "whattaya want from me" and some neon trees "animal".

Go get em tiger.

I swear it looks different in person...

eeesh.

im not going to lie.


i was bad today.

i did very minimal workout. as in some small exercises that did not make up for the graham cracker and chocolate snacking i did.


its so much easier, ive realized, to eat better once your on a streak.

any sparkpeople member would know thats when youve been eating well for days...you dont want to ruin the streak...so saying no is easier.

its not...when youve been bad already.


tomorrow im going to do the workout. #1 of 60.

jillian michaels. you better kick my ass.

i have a lot of it that needs your kicking.


why cant i just say no?

or rather...why do i choose to say yes instead?

lord, give me strength. if i cant say no to bad foods, how strong am i really?

secrets.

im tired of wearing jeans either too loose or too tight. wheres the inbetween?

im tired of my legs rubbing when i walk...wearing out my pants.

im tired of being able to physically grab my chub.

im tired of only having a pretty face.

im tired of not being fit.

im tired of not being able to run without exhaustion.

im tired of feeling guilty when i eat something good n greasy.

im tired of gaining weight by eating the good n greasy.

im tired of seeing women who dont have to try to lose or maintain weight loss.

im tired of not being fat enough for weight loss programs...but still being 60 lbs overweight.

im tired of being chubby.

i want a change.

i want to be 167 lbs. still thick n curvy...but not SO thick and bumpy : ] i want to buy clothes off the rack...the non plus size rack.

i want to be able to say...wow. i lost over 100 lbs since my son was born!

i want to run for 10 minutes STRAIGHT.

i want to play a sport. or finish a 5k.

i had a bad week. and its ONLY my fault. i HAVE to get this under control.

by my 24th birthday im going to be under 185 lbs. dammit.

ugh

man. its been a rough coupla days.

after a few days off cardio, i went back on. kept eating healthy every day (cept one because i had a craving for those tiny deep fried burritos...yum. but despite it all, i still gained 3 lbs?

how?

so i stopped looking. i need to get my water intake back up. i also just got off of miss lady thing. so maybe im bloated?

we are deciding on meal plans and better eating habits. we spent WAYY too much money on food last month outside of grocery shopping. time to tighten the budget and make sure to save some cash.

i ran yesterday! i ran! for 5 minutes. not a full on sprint...but folks. I. Dont. Run.

and i ran!!!!

:] i look like a bear havign a seizure when i run, but i RAN!

:]


talk about success.



heres hoping my work still gets me there.