The Wall

This post is very scary for me to write, simply because im terrified ill have to eat my own words later. but it needs to be written, a reminder in the future of where Im at now.

I hit my wall. that wall where everything ive wanted but made excuses for really just ran over me.


for days, weeks, months, years ive been making excuses for not going creazy over this health journey.
I didnt eat organic and clean because "it's too expensive".
I didnt work out because "I dont have time, I just CANT run, I dont have the money for a gym membership, I bet if I eat healthy Ill lose the weight."


I looked for the way to lose weight without the work and made excuses for when my body didnt comply.

"I plateaued! I dont know what happened!" (what happened? I didnt work HARD ENOUGH.)

"I weaned, and I gained a lot of weight back." (this is true, but its because nursing was burning about 500 calories a day, so when i weaned and didnt burn those 500 calories elsewhere, i gained 3500 extra calories in a week if i ate the exact same amount.)

"Ive been eating healthy and I just am not losing weight. I dont get it." (I get it now, I NEED exercise.)

Its hard to admit when im wrong, as it is for most im sure.

But i hit the wall. the wall that says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH."

Ive hit a smaller version of this wall before; defeated in dressing room stalls crying over ill fitting clothes i would get this determination that would last a week only to wane. When I stepped on the scale and saw a gain, Id hit a tiny wall and say "im done!" when I would look at pictures taken of me, without my keen eye for specific thinning angles, i would say "no more!" but those walls were so tiny, and my love for life and doing things outside of working out prevailed. but there comes a time in many peoples lives when you hit THE WALL.
this wall is where you look at yourself, call your own bluff and say "Its Time." you change your eating habits, you buck up and get it done.

Now I will say last year I hit an only slightly smaller wall. I had this tiny precious baby girl who needed a role model. needed an example of what a healthy, happy and beautiful woman looked like. and that was all on me! J and I worked out and consistently and i lost 82 lbs. Somewhere along the time, im guessing in the winter when I couldnt bike ride as much, I lost the momentum and fell into other habits. Add in hormonal fluctuations from nursing, and then the somewhat of a depression i fell into over the weight gain and the weaning this May at 15 months (nursing is a mess of hormones, albeit the most wonderful thing, and when you wean, especially before youre ready it can cause a jumble of emotional highs and lows. next baby I know so much more now, and will be able to accomplish all of my nursing goals).

But this time, its a more powerful, all encompassing wall. My baby girl is getting older, appreciating and embracing a love of food, and she needs to see these things early on. my boy is 4, and at an age where i can teach him why exercise is good. he values time with his learning toys, and playing inside (ive never been much of an outdoorsy girl either so i can appreciate it) and i need to instill in him healthy habits and also show him what a hardworking woman looks like. He needs to see dedication, determination and following through.

So i buckled down and got a gym membership.
Theres a gym in town that offers a really cheap monthly rate (20$ a month) and allows for 1 guest every time you work out. they dont offer things like concessions/juice bar or child care, its just a big room with motivational quotes and workout equipment. no swimming pool, no sauna, no basketball courts. just treadmills, ellipticals, free weights and weight machines, stair masters and stair glider climber devil things. there are stationary bikes and different areas you can go for abs and for circuit training. its just simple. and i knew that if i was going to do it, it HAD to be simple. it HAD to be something I could do WITH someone. SO i recruited a few of my friends to go with me, and have a list and a backup list. A couple people have chosen not to come, and thats fine. they didnt hit a wall, I did. this is MY wall.

But i have worked out. 8 days in a row. I intended on only 3 days a week, maybe 4 or 5. but no, ive gone 8. I feel good there. I have refrained from showing too much excitement for this newfound energy and excitement, because to be honest im scared ill fail myself again. that ill make excuses. that ill be on a high for a week or 3 weeks and then make excuses. even though im making progress and am paying fora membership for a year.

Also, ive set different goals. After watchign Chris Powell on Extreme Weight Loss, specifically an episode with a gal named Jami, I decided to say "SCREW THE SCALE." and not weigh in for at least a month. on that episode Chris fixed Jami up with fitness goals, not weight goals. and she worked hard, pushing her mile time, pushing her weight lifting limits, running faster and farther, and jumping higher and going longer.

so i decided i would too. If i am brutally honest with myself I will admit i am one to say "I cant run. I dont run." when in all honesty, I just HATE it and am not conditioned for it. so ive started it. its my "get me in line" workout. i HATE IT. but i want to see what this body can do. it gave me 2 beautiful babies. it grew them, delivered them, recovered from them. there is no reason it cant run for longer than 30 seconds simply because it makes me breathe harder and it doesnt feel great.

after just 8 days I can PROUDLY tell you I jogged for 22 minutes straight yesterday. TWENTY TWO. I can tell you with certainty I have never run longer than maybe 5 minutes before hand. I just kept myself going by reminding myself that my body was NOT giving out. I WASNT getting Dizzy or lightheaded. my legfs were FINE they were just being WORKED. I wasnt dying, i was living. Have you ever said that during a rough workout? "I feel like im dying". its melodramatic for sure. and its false. we are LIVING when we do these healthy things.


additionally, after that long jog (which ended up being 26 minutes out of 33 being jogged) I got onto a stationary bike and rode for 13.72 miles, the equivalent of a half marathon. Im really thinking a small inner goal of mine will be to do a "gym marathon" where i bust out over 26.2 miles on different equipment. Ive gotten to about 16 so far in a day so thats a start!

Im also setting a couple other attainable goals.
100 workouts. I need to get to 100. if i work out 100 times in the next i dunno 6 months or so, Ill be in good shape. even if i get there and only do 20 minutes, its still going.
another goal? Id like to actually get the body ive been talking about. not at 185 either. because lets be honest, ive made excuses for holding myself back "i could NEVER be 150." I COULD if i wanted to and worked hard enough. instead, im setting no weight goals. I think im just going to get this body healthy.

My husband has been WONDERFUL in letting me out every day. i remind him "i know im sacrificing hours in our weeks together but im trading them in for more years in our days."
its hard, but im hopeful.
I am scared ill peter out, but Im working towards a goal.
and im not going to let it slip away without a fight.

WHen yuou hit YOUR wall, let me know. I want to hear your stories, and trake your burdens. even if you dont find this for YEARS down the road. show me your wall.

be healthy and well!

:) for funsies....

A reminder I'm beautiful in my own skin...no make up and some chub underneath...

My view

You can.

Doing it.

Bout 3 miles in tonight. :) lip synching...loudly. I hope people are watching. :) tonight on repeat is break even by the script. But there has been some adam lamber "whattaya want from me" and some neon trees "animal".

Go get em tiger.

Biggest Loser...Where Are They Now?

watching this episode and having a range of emotions.

it didnt take this long for their weight to come off.

and they had more.

they all seem happy.

and im having a down day.

it must be in the air.

or something.

there is something missing.

and i cant put my finger on it.

30 lbs. go.the.fuck.away.

im tired of you. even if it does mean ill be colder.

fuck me running...

i have worked out hardcore, at least an hour of cardio 4x a week for about 2 weeks. more than i have in the last ever.

and the scale didnt budge.

i was so distraught that i ate a bit of candy (lets face it...24 years ive waited to be the mom that raids the candy instead of the child who wakes up to the good stuff gone...)

and i maybe had a krispy kreme doughnut..it had sprinkles...and a few cookies.

sometimes i have a childs mentality..."well if youre gonna stay fat im gonna make it worth your while..."

im such an adult.

i want to beat this! this should be easy! come on now!

the world is being a bit cruel to me.

lots of things to get repaired on the car and an insurance debaucle.

i wish i werent so flaky.

and i wish it were easy.

ah well...feet first right?

eeesh.

im not going to lie.


i was bad today.

i did very minimal workout. as in some small exercises that did not make up for the graham cracker and chocolate snacking i did.


its so much easier, ive realized, to eat better once your on a streak.

any sparkpeople member would know thats when youve been eating well for days...you dont want to ruin the streak...so saying no is easier.

its not...when youve been bad already.


tomorrow im going to do the workout. #1 of 60.

jillian michaels. you better kick my ass.

i have a lot of it that needs your kicking.


why cant i just say no?

or rather...why do i choose to say yes instead?

lord, give me strength. if i cant say no to bad foods, how strong am i really?

goodness

im not going to use it as a crutch but i hate agnes.
i didnt exercise today.
no, instead i stayed home with a sick bub except for 4 hours of the day i worked.
cereal for breakfast. coffee (half a pot with some creamer sugar free) a chicken breast sub sammich and chicken enchiladas for dindin.

j tries to cook healthy but bless his heart he loves good food. we're working on it. as i try to shed these last 30 lbs for now, j has a goal of 40 ish. he is in a smaller pants size i think. dratted men and their weight loss abilities.

i decided to skip dessert.

now i have a friend in the weight loss business, a colleague if you will, we have agreed to text in temptation. i didnt feel the need tonight. i just skipped dessert. truth be told i half forgot, since we were trying to feed the babe while teaching him to say please more.

i made agreement with the nanny that we will do jillian michaels thirty day shred at least thrice a week.

see i figured it out, i want my goal weight to be reached by the end of may, if i work out a minimum of 3x a week thats 60 workouts. i have seen success and i will reach my goals, and i wont be disappointed if not at the goal point. i think the huge key to success is being happy with any goal, and being happy with any progress achieved. if im seeing the lbs fall off...then i will keep with it...unless i falter like i did in december.

my short term goal, the first of many is to see the 100s again. i havent weighed myself, but im pretending i went back up to 212. thats allowing myself an unseen 6 lbs gained back. im hoping thats not the case. after another steady week or two of good decisions, including all my waters drank for the day, i will weigh myself and post it here. im too scared, and i sent myself up that creek on my own.

having a friend do it, while not working out together or counting calories together will prove successful. people see success in numbers, and seeing a friend do it will help loads.

portions remain a big obstacle. im learning my body wont fall sick if i dont have that second bowl of cereal...and i dont need the milk in it either at the end of the bowl.

i need to ration my creamer, and not go for seconds.

i need to fill the smaller plates, and go back to my soups for lunch or veggie subs and save my calories for snacks and dinner.

i need to be drinking my 94 oz of water a day and compensate for any other beverages such as coffee or rockstars that work as a diuretic.

how easy it all is on paper, or blog as it is. more importantly, i need to remember all the time how happy and gratifying it is to see the weight come off, and realize once i am at my goals, each of them, that i will no longer loathe those skinny girls who work out.

they are not your enemies M, they are your comrades in this battle. they however, are the smart proactive ones, who never let themselves get to my point.

200s you are going to be gone soon., i promise you. its been a long relationship, but its time to cut ties, we'll be friends, but no more. we'll talk on the phone, but this face to face daily relationship has got to stop.


i love you, self. and i respect all you are.


i really do love me. and im proud of me dammit. :]

i really should blog daily...

it holds me accountable.


i ate muchas gracias last night.
and vanilla wafers.

i was balls tired, and was keeping myself awake. i went to pick up food for A on the way home, and ended up buying myself something.

im going to keep going. one night wont stop me.


Tara Costa you are a powerhouse. i adore you and i want to have the willpower and strength that you do.

http://www.okmagazine.com/2009/11/biggest-losers-tara-costa-i-let-go-of-my-past/tara-costa-nov-5-5/

i also need to drink more water and maybe get a natural laxative or something.
it seems workign out has done a number on me.
yeah yeah TMI i know, but you're reading this because you're in the same boat right?
let me tell you, maybe i should invest in one of those procedures to clean out my body of waste or detox things and just get rid of 30 lbs of crap...literally lol.


i've been trying to do well.
i'm going through relationship problems...or lack thereof i guess, and havent had the energy to work out. still trying to eat within my calories. i stopped buying skinny cow. because i was eating 2 a night which is still 300 calories.
i have kept myself within the limits of 1600 most days. we'll see.

i COOKED! I cooked!
homemmade chicken noodle soup with chicken broth, chicken breast, celery, carrots, and onion and noodles. perfection!


i'm feeling blessed.

oh yeah, and i'm dragging my size 16 to see BB King tonight. gonna have a few drinks but ill be good : ]

on that note

im going to go cuddle in bed and think about grocery shopping for GOOD foods tomorrow (not going on an empty stomach, going to JUST stick to the list), working out, my goals, and read up on the new issue of HEALTH magazine with Jillian Michaels on the cover.

im thinking also about a small detox. just from the random crap i put in my body sometimes. no fast food. no energy drinks (i rely on them too much for bad days and skip the water without thinking...ill admit to you random strangers, i had 3 THREE! sugar free rockstars. they are awesome, but not good for you :[ sigh), i will drink a LOT of water with NO artificial sweeteners, and work on mostly veggies while still creating properly balanced meals.

im going to try that for a week and see how i feel.

any ideas? tips...tricks?

let me know.

i need help.

that burp tasted of guilt...

yeah the subject is a little grosser than anyone would imagine.

here's how today went.

woke up went to work, ate a single serving of total whole grain with lowfat milk.

good choice. about 235 calories.

for lunch had a ream of wheat saltines with healthy choice 200 calorie per can chicken noodle soup.

still not too bad. about 550 calories. good choice.

on my lunch today, when i normally work out if the plan isnt going to the gym after work, i didnt work out. the past 5 days have left me exhausted. a day off isnt bad. its not a bad choice. rest is good, even when you arent doing hardcore workouts. it was 5 days of at least 30 mins cardio elliptical or bike. and i needed a break. good choice. i wasnt going tot he gym tonight anyway; i had a team outing planned for my team at work.

dinner came the tough part. the team outing was at red robin.

i was smart; as per my wonderful inspiration in Bob and Jillian from The Biggest Loser, i checked out the menu ahead of time by my trusty friend:

www.dwlz.com (short for dottis weight loss zone, thats how i remember the acronym. this website is awesome, on top of just finding tips n tricks and support up the arse, you will find a nearly completely and regularly updated restaurant list with their menu and meals caloried out for ya with fat and protein grams also provided. also this includes weight watchers points for almost every item...if you are a weight watchers points member.)

i checked out...red robin.

HOLY CREPES! i had NO idea my typical meal there was like this.

im a predictable person. i will fidn a good meal at a restaurant and get the same thing almost every time i go. routine is nice.

here is what my OLD usual meal would be: (courtesy of dwlz.com)

Teriyaki Chicken Burger (900 cal/47g fat/3g fiber/65g carbs/55g protein)

not to mention the steak fries that come with the gourmet burgers at around 400 calories a SERVING.

today i decided to be better. i like garden burgers, being a former vegetarian, so i opted for this choice:

The Garden Burger (578 cal/18g fat/10g fiber/63g carbs/22g protein

it was still keeping me within my recommended calories and not depriving me of a good burger.

i wish i had stopped there.

sometimes God (or whichever belief you believe in) gives you an :out" prior to making bad decisions. mine came in the form of being offered veggies as a side, veggies that i dont really like. i opted for the fries intending to stick with the small serving with the burgers, about 6 fries.

i didnt. i proactively asked for more, and the waiter came back stating the fries were just getting cooked and would be right out. i COULD have said no thanks.

i didnt.

when they came out STEAMIGN hot. i COULD have decided not to eat them. they werent any additional cost.

i didnt choose to forgo them.

so i ate about at least 500 calories in fries...If. Not. More.

i still try to not feel bad. i declined the alcoholic drink i was planning on having.

but i know i need to buckle down. i drank only about 32 oz of water today.

im going to bloat.

i need to get this right and get it right now.

i cant afford this in my life. i want to be healthy. i want to be 167 lbs.

i dont need to be rail thin. and if come 185 lbs i feel awesome, ill tone down the workouts and just work at maintaining my weight loss. but im not happy at 215. and after the past couple days...i bet i gained a little. im going to work at this. im GOING to get it right.

i think i'm going to set the goal of at least 185 by June 2010.

God Help me.

I'm going to need it.

crepes! i did it.

small goals...large goals...

it doesnt matter the size, but rather the weight of what they mean.

prior to having j, i would get on a machine and in 5 minutes need to stop. i wasnt 400 lbs, but i was out of shape. j keeps me in shape. not thin or lean, but in shape, way moreso than before.

today i went to the gym.

my partner wasnt able to accompany me, but i pressed on. and im glad i did.

i accomplished a goal of mine.

i stayed on the elliptical for 60 minutes jogging today.

i am not able to run without getting winded and i feel sometimes like im going to throw up, but today, without any motivation i did it.

with my MyTouch blaring Break As We Fall (their album If You're Lonely is available now on iTunes and breakaswefall.com) i just went.

and pushed myself to go where i havent ever gone.

i know it probably sounds silly to those of you who can do it without a problem. but for the fluffies out there, the chubbies, even the thin but out of shape...60 minutes is HUGE!

i continued my workout after with some weight training.

i feel good.

made some healthy decisions for dinner (not the tastiest...tasted like paper...wont be trying that again anytime soon), and will continue to make good decisions as the Biggest loser records on the dvr tonight.

:]

yes folks that picture says over one hour and nearly 500 calories.

it should also come with a big fat medal.

Pain is temporary, Pride is forever.

and damn i feel proud.

you can do it! start small and celebrate your successes!

5 minutes, 10, 15, 20, 30, 45, 55, 60.

you can!

october 16th, 2009.

workout partner was not coming to workout, but i pressed on. i was a bit worried i wouldnt push myself as hard without her there. but i took some music and some motivation.

it all started witht he elliptical again. it has become my friend. i have a really hard time running. (ive tried to eliminate CANT from my vocab, but its the way i really feel about running).

but today i made it further than even yesterday. i covered the time and just went. went until i started to feel the burn and then kept going.

i uncovered the time and saw i was at 34 minutes; this is longer than even yesterdays. but i noticed i was nearly at 300 calories...so that became my new goal: to get to 300 calories burned. then i acheived calories burned and decided...hey im SO close to 40 minutes...lets get to 40...once i hit forty i noticed i was at 2.93 miles...so i pressed on to 3 miles...and stayed until after 40 minutes had passed. i almost didnt want to get off of it. instant gratification on that machine, and after 20 minutes i seem to catch a second wind. but i knew i needed to mix it up a bit.

so i went to the leg machines. pushed a little further and did more, by distracting myself with a magazine.

i headed to the free weights and did a few reps of 12 lbers. then headed to the bike where i spent a few minutes cycling.

i stopped off at the stairmaster...instant;y felt a burn and wasnt feeling renewed enough for the challenge on that one, so i worked my upper body a bit and then rowed.

the rowing machine is crazy.

even my neck hurt. How Does it Do That?

holy cats.

but it was good. i tried to work the remnants or beginnings of my abs. not sure how that turned out.

ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast,

a granola bar for a snack.

a couple pieces of jerky for some protein.

then another bowl of cereal for my lunchish (i woke up late and my schedule was off, but, i knew that i needed the extra energy. fat free milk doesnt do me wrong.

i had another granola bar before going to the gym and topped off my workout with 2 turkey wraps. totalling under 300 calories the protein immediately gave me energy...holy crepes, how will i sleep?

the shower after felt awesome. at some points in the workout i think i felt my muscles actually breaking down.

but i feel awesome. i almost was too exhausted today from a twacky sleep schedule that i nearly didnt go, but its amazing how much energy you GET from expending what little energy you might have.

i know its a long journey, and i think ive decided to not weigh myself for awhile.

it could lead to disheartened feelings and crushed emotions.

i want to keep going. i cant keep giving up.

im now paying for this pain, and also the pride that comes with it.

the gym is a place where you are succeeding if you sweat all over yourself; where you dont matter if you are big and bulky.

it doesnt feel uncomfortable.

ive been there before, but always a bit self conscious, but its just a group of people wanting to be healthy, but at different stages. its nice to watch the tiny butt of a woman whos been working her tail off and knowing i can get that too.

its like a high, an addiction.

but after that shower...my muscles are on fire. THIS part i dont know how i feel about.

i do love the feeling of this though. the inner emotional "i'm actually Doing it" feeling.

i weighed myself the other day: the scale i think was way off.

september twenty ninth i went to the doctor and they had me at 218.

the scale at work showed like 8 lbs more. probably just the water weight.

but thats why im not weighing myself. im not going to let it dictate how hard i work out. im gonna give it my all every day i go there.

i wont let it dictate my food; i need to make good choices anyway.

a number isnt what you look.

ill tell you that right now.

i dont look 218 lbs.

what matters is how i feel. and if i dont lose weight but i lose inches and i look healthy at even 250 lbs...i need to accept that i am healthy...and i am me.

someone remind me of that when im having a fat day please.