The Wall

This post is very scary for me to write, simply because im terrified ill have to eat my own words later. but it needs to be written, a reminder in the future of where Im at now.

I hit my wall. that wall where everything ive wanted but made excuses for really just ran over me.


for days, weeks, months, years ive been making excuses for not going creazy over this health journey.
I didnt eat organic and clean because "it's too expensive".
I didnt work out because "I dont have time, I just CANT run, I dont have the money for a gym membership, I bet if I eat healthy Ill lose the weight."


I looked for the way to lose weight without the work and made excuses for when my body didnt comply.

"I plateaued! I dont know what happened!" (what happened? I didnt work HARD ENOUGH.)

"I weaned, and I gained a lot of weight back." (this is true, but its because nursing was burning about 500 calories a day, so when i weaned and didnt burn those 500 calories elsewhere, i gained 3500 extra calories in a week if i ate the exact same amount.)

"Ive been eating healthy and I just am not losing weight. I dont get it." (I get it now, I NEED exercise.)

Its hard to admit when im wrong, as it is for most im sure.

But i hit the wall. the wall that says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH."

Ive hit a smaller version of this wall before; defeated in dressing room stalls crying over ill fitting clothes i would get this determination that would last a week only to wane. When I stepped on the scale and saw a gain, Id hit a tiny wall and say "im done!" when I would look at pictures taken of me, without my keen eye for specific thinning angles, i would say "no more!" but those walls were so tiny, and my love for life and doing things outside of working out prevailed. but there comes a time in many peoples lives when you hit THE WALL.
this wall is where you look at yourself, call your own bluff and say "Its Time." you change your eating habits, you buck up and get it done.

Now I will say last year I hit an only slightly smaller wall. I had this tiny precious baby girl who needed a role model. needed an example of what a healthy, happy and beautiful woman looked like. and that was all on me! J and I worked out and consistently and i lost 82 lbs. Somewhere along the time, im guessing in the winter when I couldnt bike ride as much, I lost the momentum and fell into other habits. Add in hormonal fluctuations from nursing, and then the somewhat of a depression i fell into over the weight gain and the weaning this May at 15 months (nursing is a mess of hormones, albeit the most wonderful thing, and when you wean, especially before youre ready it can cause a jumble of emotional highs and lows. next baby I know so much more now, and will be able to accomplish all of my nursing goals).

But this time, its a more powerful, all encompassing wall. My baby girl is getting older, appreciating and embracing a love of food, and she needs to see these things early on. my boy is 4, and at an age where i can teach him why exercise is good. he values time with his learning toys, and playing inside (ive never been much of an outdoorsy girl either so i can appreciate it) and i need to instill in him healthy habits and also show him what a hardworking woman looks like. He needs to see dedication, determination and following through.

So i buckled down and got a gym membership.
Theres a gym in town that offers a really cheap monthly rate (20$ a month) and allows for 1 guest every time you work out. they dont offer things like concessions/juice bar or child care, its just a big room with motivational quotes and workout equipment. no swimming pool, no sauna, no basketball courts. just treadmills, ellipticals, free weights and weight machines, stair masters and stair glider climber devil things. there are stationary bikes and different areas you can go for abs and for circuit training. its just simple. and i knew that if i was going to do it, it HAD to be simple. it HAD to be something I could do WITH someone. SO i recruited a few of my friends to go with me, and have a list and a backup list. A couple people have chosen not to come, and thats fine. they didnt hit a wall, I did. this is MY wall.

But i have worked out. 8 days in a row. I intended on only 3 days a week, maybe 4 or 5. but no, ive gone 8. I feel good there. I have refrained from showing too much excitement for this newfound energy and excitement, because to be honest im scared ill fail myself again. that ill make excuses. that ill be on a high for a week or 3 weeks and then make excuses. even though im making progress and am paying fora membership for a year.

Also, ive set different goals. After watchign Chris Powell on Extreme Weight Loss, specifically an episode with a gal named Jami, I decided to say "SCREW THE SCALE." and not weigh in for at least a month. on that episode Chris fixed Jami up with fitness goals, not weight goals. and she worked hard, pushing her mile time, pushing her weight lifting limits, running faster and farther, and jumping higher and going longer.

so i decided i would too. If i am brutally honest with myself I will admit i am one to say "I cant run. I dont run." when in all honesty, I just HATE it and am not conditioned for it. so ive started it. its my "get me in line" workout. i HATE IT. but i want to see what this body can do. it gave me 2 beautiful babies. it grew them, delivered them, recovered from them. there is no reason it cant run for longer than 30 seconds simply because it makes me breathe harder and it doesnt feel great.

after just 8 days I can PROUDLY tell you I jogged for 22 minutes straight yesterday. TWENTY TWO. I can tell you with certainty I have never run longer than maybe 5 minutes before hand. I just kept myself going by reminding myself that my body was NOT giving out. I WASNT getting Dizzy or lightheaded. my legfs were FINE they were just being WORKED. I wasnt dying, i was living. Have you ever said that during a rough workout? "I feel like im dying". its melodramatic for sure. and its false. we are LIVING when we do these healthy things.


additionally, after that long jog (which ended up being 26 minutes out of 33 being jogged) I got onto a stationary bike and rode for 13.72 miles, the equivalent of a half marathon. Im really thinking a small inner goal of mine will be to do a "gym marathon" where i bust out over 26.2 miles on different equipment. Ive gotten to about 16 so far in a day so thats a start!

Im also setting a couple other attainable goals.
100 workouts. I need to get to 100. if i work out 100 times in the next i dunno 6 months or so, Ill be in good shape. even if i get there and only do 20 minutes, its still going.
another goal? Id like to actually get the body ive been talking about. not at 185 either. because lets be honest, ive made excuses for holding myself back "i could NEVER be 150." I COULD if i wanted to and worked hard enough. instead, im setting no weight goals. I think im just going to get this body healthy.

My husband has been WONDERFUL in letting me out every day. i remind him "i know im sacrificing hours in our weeks together but im trading them in for more years in our days."
its hard, but im hopeful.
I am scared ill peter out, but Im working towards a goal.
and im not going to let it slip away without a fight.

WHen yuou hit YOUR wall, let me know. I want to hear your stories, and trake your burdens. even if you dont find this for YEARS down the road. show me your wall.

be healthy and well!

:]

devin was about 4...so this mustve been about 4 years ago?
this was me about 3 years ago :]
this was right after i had Julian, i had to throw this in to make me feel better for all the progress. lookit that face! :]
i miss this.
and this.
lol i even made an EEG look good.
this is the one i went to get. i didnt know how to be less awkward, luckily ive grown into my features :] unluckily ive grown into my features :(
:] not the best photo, but look at my definition! i miss this. and this is what i work for.

doesnt it feel good to sweat? yes, only when you are intending to :]

Jbug woke me at 530 this morning, and i decided to stay awake.

i went to a show last night, my friend Evan's band, Break as we Fall (amazing btw...go see them. www.myspace.com/breakaswefall) at a bar and grill and sipped on fruit juice and water and ate a fruit bowl. i wasnt hungry really, and didnt want to mow down on a huge burger or anything.

upon hearing a sexy rexy song, can you say Butterfly by Mr Jason Mraz? i got a kick in my pants.

i miss feeling sexy. i feel good almost all the time, pretty beautiful, adorable lovely.
but i havent felt sexy in awhile.

i also found a photo from years ago at a keane concert with my sister (another shameless band plug) and it made me miss THAT body.

im still me, and i still LOVE me, and i think anyone who wants to lose weight needs to love themselves first before they think a new body will help.
i love who i am, and i dont need to lose weight to love and be loved, but it helps me feel good.

im gonna show that photo...hold please bloggers:

okay they loaded above.

the sad thing, is when i was this small i didnt do it necessarily the right way. when i was in high school i had some horrible methods, and never again will i be THAT girl.

i deserve to EARN it.

and my son deserves his mom to be the BEST she can be. :]

i dont know why i hated running, or why sometimes i still dont just go do it. after the first 10 minutes run slash walking i feel phenomenal. :]

all right ass, get.in.gear. :]

im gonna be someones butterfly.

secrets.

im tired of wearing jeans either too loose or too tight. wheres the inbetween?

im tired of my legs rubbing when i walk...wearing out my pants.

im tired of being able to physically grab my chub.

im tired of only having a pretty face.

im tired of not being fit.

im tired of not being able to run without exhaustion.

im tired of feeling guilty when i eat something good n greasy.

im tired of gaining weight by eating the good n greasy.

im tired of seeing women who dont have to try to lose or maintain weight loss.

im tired of not being fat enough for weight loss programs...but still being 60 lbs overweight.

im tired of being chubby.

i want a change.

i want to be 167 lbs. still thick n curvy...but not SO thick and bumpy : ] i want to buy clothes off the rack...the non plus size rack.

i want to be able to say...wow. i lost over 100 lbs since my son was born!

i want to run for 10 minutes STRAIGHT.

i want to play a sport. or finish a 5k.

i had a bad week. and its ONLY my fault. i HAVE to get this under control.

by my 24th birthday im going to be under 185 lbs. dammit.

ugh

man. its been a rough coupla days.

after a few days off cardio, i went back on. kept eating healthy every day (cept one because i had a craving for those tiny deep fried burritos...yum. but despite it all, i still gained 3 lbs?

how?

so i stopped looking. i need to get my water intake back up. i also just got off of miss lady thing. so maybe im bloated?

we are deciding on meal plans and better eating habits. we spent WAYY too much money on food last month outside of grocery shopping. time to tighten the budget and make sure to save some cash.

i ran yesterday! i ran! for 5 minutes. not a full on sprint...but folks. I. Dont. Run.

and i ran!!!!

:] i look like a bear havign a seizure when i run, but i RAN!

:]


talk about success.



heres hoping my work still gets me there.