The Wall

This post is very scary for me to write, simply because im terrified ill have to eat my own words later. but it needs to be written, a reminder in the future of where Im at now.

I hit my wall. that wall where everything ive wanted but made excuses for really just ran over me.


for days, weeks, months, years ive been making excuses for not going creazy over this health journey.
I didnt eat organic and clean because "it's too expensive".
I didnt work out because "I dont have time, I just CANT run, I dont have the money for a gym membership, I bet if I eat healthy Ill lose the weight."


I looked for the way to lose weight without the work and made excuses for when my body didnt comply.

"I plateaued! I dont know what happened!" (what happened? I didnt work HARD ENOUGH.)

"I weaned, and I gained a lot of weight back." (this is true, but its because nursing was burning about 500 calories a day, so when i weaned and didnt burn those 500 calories elsewhere, i gained 3500 extra calories in a week if i ate the exact same amount.)

"Ive been eating healthy and I just am not losing weight. I dont get it." (I get it now, I NEED exercise.)

Its hard to admit when im wrong, as it is for most im sure.

But i hit the wall. the wall that says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH."

Ive hit a smaller version of this wall before; defeated in dressing room stalls crying over ill fitting clothes i would get this determination that would last a week only to wane. When I stepped on the scale and saw a gain, Id hit a tiny wall and say "im done!" when I would look at pictures taken of me, without my keen eye for specific thinning angles, i would say "no more!" but those walls were so tiny, and my love for life and doing things outside of working out prevailed. but there comes a time in many peoples lives when you hit THE WALL.
this wall is where you look at yourself, call your own bluff and say "Its Time." you change your eating habits, you buck up and get it done.

Now I will say last year I hit an only slightly smaller wall. I had this tiny precious baby girl who needed a role model. needed an example of what a healthy, happy and beautiful woman looked like. and that was all on me! J and I worked out and consistently and i lost 82 lbs. Somewhere along the time, im guessing in the winter when I couldnt bike ride as much, I lost the momentum and fell into other habits. Add in hormonal fluctuations from nursing, and then the somewhat of a depression i fell into over the weight gain and the weaning this May at 15 months (nursing is a mess of hormones, albeit the most wonderful thing, and when you wean, especially before youre ready it can cause a jumble of emotional highs and lows. next baby I know so much more now, and will be able to accomplish all of my nursing goals).

But this time, its a more powerful, all encompassing wall. My baby girl is getting older, appreciating and embracing a love of food, and she needs to see these things early on. my boy is 4, and at an age where i can teach him why exercise is good. he values time with his learning toys, and playing inside (ive never been much of an outdoorsy girl either so i can appreciate it) and i need to instill in him healthy habits and also show him what a hardworking woman looks like. He needs to see dedication, determination and following through.

So i buckled down and got a gym membership.
Theres a gym in town that offers a really cheap monthly rate (20$ a month) and allows for 1 guest every time you work out. they dont offer things like concessions/juice bar or child care, its just a big room with motivational quotes and workout equipment. no swimming pool, no sauna, no basketball courts. just treadmills, ellipticals, free weights and weight machines, stair masters and stair glider climber devil things. there are stationary bikes and different areas you can go for abs and for circuit training. its just simple. and i knew that if i was going to do it, it HAD to be simple. it HAD to be something I could do WITH someone. SO i recruited a few of my friends to go with me, and have a list and a backup list. A couple people have chosen not to come, and thats fine. they didnt hit a wall, I did. this is MY wall.

But i have worked out. 8 days in a row. I intended on only 3 days a week, maybe 4 or 5. but no, ive gone 8. I feel good there. I have refrained from showing too much excitement for this newfound energy and excitement, because to be honest im scared ill fail myself again. that ill make excuses. that ill be on a high for a week or 3 weeks and then make excuses. even though im making progress and am paying fora membership for a year.

Also, ive set different goals. After watchign Chris Powell on Extreme Weight Loss, specifically an episode with a gal named Jami, I decided to say "SCREW THE SCALE." and not weigh in for at least a month. on that episode Chris fixed Jami up with fitness goals, not weight goals. and she worked hard, pushing her mile time, pushing her weight lifting limits, running faster and farther, and jumping higher and going longer.

so i decided i would too. If i am brutally honest with myself I will admit i am one to say "I cant run. I dont run." when in all honesty, I just HATE it and am not conditioned for it. so ive started it. its my "get me in line" workout. i HATE IT. but i want to see what this body can do. it gave me 2 beautiful babies. it grew them, delivered them, recovered from them. there is no reason it cant run for longer than 30 seconds simply because it makes me breathe harder and it doesnt feel great.

after just 8 days I can PROUDLY tell you I jogged for 22 minutes straight yesterday. TWENTY TWO. I can tell you with certainty I have never run longer than maybe 5 minutes before hand. I just kept myself going by reminding myself that my body was NOT giving out. I WASNT getting Dizzy or lightheaded. my legfs were FINE they were just being WORKED. I wasnt dying, i was living. Have you ever said that during a rough workout? "I feel like im dying". its melodramatic for sure. and its false. we are LIVING when we do these healthy things.


additionally, after that long jog (which ended up being 26 minutes out of 33 being jogged) I got onto a stationary bike and rode for 13.72 miles, the equivalent of a half marathon. Im really thinking a small inner goal of mine will be to do a "gym marathon" where i bust out over 26.2 miles on different equipment. Ive gotten to about 16 so far in a day so thats a start!

Im also setting a couple other attainable goals.
100 workouts. I need to get to 100. if i work out 100 times in the next i dunno 6 months or so, Ill be in good shape. even if i get there and only do 20 minutes, its still going.
another goal? Id like to actually get the body ive been talking about. not at 185 either. because lets be honest, ive made excuses for holding myself back "i could NEVER be 150." I COULD if i wanted to and worked hard enough. instead, im setting no weight goals. I think im just going to get this body healthy.

My husband has been WONDERFUL in letting me out every day. i remind him "i know im sacrificing hours in our weeks together but im trading them in for more years in our days."
its hard, but im hopeful.
I am scared ill peter out, but Im working towards a goal.
and im not going to let it slip away without a fight.

WHen yuou hit YOUR wall, let me know. I want to hear your stories, and trake your burdens. even if you dont find this for YEARS down the road. show me your wall.

be healthy and well!

poofy swelly floofy belly

gah. 

so im trying to keep a level head, but i want it to be on the record that my post surgery weight skyrocketed to 239.8. on thursday 09.13.2012 i was 225 (226 as of my appt time) so i gained a total of 14.8 lbs. 

i was so worried about this that it put a real damper on mine and my sweets anniversary. 5 years, yesterday! 

and he looked SO handsome in his date outfit, i was just smitten. 

but i felt so beneath him, you know i felt so fat and unattractive and like my word was undone. and in that moment it is VERY hard to tell yourself it will go down. its hard to tell yourself its TEMPORARY and its hard to believe you wont have to do it all over again. its amazing how different i think i looked. 

                                               here is a picture from last Sunday 09.9

 here are some from our 5 year, Sunday September sixteenth 2012 :]

look how AMAZING my partner looks! he has lost 35 lbs!

i was recovering from surgery, and still nursing, and it was our anniversary, so we didnt track. we had small indulgences, we dont regret it. i spent a lot of the day internalizing my feelings. i was so uncomfortable in my skin. i felt so...unhealthy! i felt as though i looked pregnant. i was wearing a cute maxi dress, that just seemed to fall at the wrong spots. its such a beautiful dress otherwise.

i know itll go away. i know it. whether it falls off like it should or i have to rework off those 14.8 lbs, i will make them go away. 

i cried inside, and had to hide my insecurities until they simmered down long enough for me to overcome them and have a great time with him. he is wonderful, and im so grateful we are going from fat to healthy together. 

this is just my proof. this will be one entry i look back on and say "ha. it went away!"

:) 

A New Way #1: the first MONTH postpartum

instead of weighing in, and seeing numbers change (or worse...not change) but still looking in the mirror and feeling fat panda, i am thinking of trying a new approach....NO weigh ins. (whats helpful is i have to go out of my way to weigh myself since i refuse to own a scale and havent had one since this blog began.)

im contemplating that since im looking for the weight loss to happen gradually, over the next 42 weeks (the goal was 86 lbs in 46 weeks because i figured it took 40 weeks to pile on the weight so it should also to lose it, and 6 weeks of postpartum recovery), i should just do something like pictures. just like pregnancy baby bump photos. its funny how we are so willing to show every week our bellies getting rounder as pregnancy progresses but not during the weight loss process itself!

(why cameras are more forgiving to pregnant ladies, i do not know.)

i might give in and step on a scale...or get weighed at the doctor...but i want my real success to be in what i see when i look in a mirror.

ill still have a goal weight, right now 180 is the goal still.

first goal being 194 so i can beat that damn 195 curse ive had on myself for so long.

but i also want to SEE it. because even when i looked thinner...i saw fatter.

and i dont want that. i always want to be real with myself.

so here goes nothing....

im glad im choosing to do this....because as i sorted through photos to choose the ones to upload i started thinking "i dont see a difference." and i do NOT want to let myself get in that train of thought! my body is changing, in its own way, naturally. and im not screwing with nature :)

im still not exercising since im not cleared by the doctor. this is regular, but conscious eating. and breastfeeding.

this is 10 days postpartum

this is mah face 10 days pp.

this is 14 days postpartum.

so is this one:

here are some randoms from the first 2 weeks after delivering a babe...

this is 29 days post partum.

such a weird shape, my belly. its very...squishy. i know from experience it goes away...but at the same time..its super weird to look at and touch it.

im gonna go burn some calories playing the kinect with J.

update in a week or so with more pictures!

nearly 4 weeks.

i have not weighed myself since i was weighed at the doctor a couple weeks ago and i was 269.

i believe i had mentioned that was about 20 lbs down.

i feel like ive made further progress.

i did put myself in a pair of jeans that didnt have elastic in the waistband :)

they were a size 18 (barf) and my stomach is definitely shaped differently than it was prior to baby number 2. but im okay with it. i have no desire to weigh myself yet. 4 weeks may seem like a long time, but in terms of healing from having a baby? heck no! your body spends 40 weeks GROWING the baby, why shouldnt i allow more than 4 to recover? the paijn has basically subsided, im just trying to find balance and energy. trying to breastfeed and find sleep and balance two children. its not hard, just different, and intentionally trying to lose weight while trying to maintain and grow a milk supply is not feasible. im going to be smart about my foods (no fast food in the last 4 weeks!) drink my water (liquids are more important than ever now). ill worry about trying to get in more exercise and counting calories when im not trying to grow a thriving supply of food for my baby with my body :) in a couple weeks it should level out, and i plan on incorporating walking into my routine to jumpstart things and get back into it.

just some thoughts about the whole weight loss thing. im excited to see it happen eventually to be real honest. yesterday i went out in the blustery oregon weather and grabbed an old sweater i wore about 16 months ago. it was a Medium. yeah, can you say "fat girl in a little coat?" :) noooo i dont consider myself fat, but it wouldnt even close enough to try to zip it. it will be nice to wear it comfortably again! also, i had to have J put all my "skinny" clothes in the garage for now since there is no room in our house for them.

i WILL bust those out sooner than later.

Weight you WILL NOT DEFEAT ME :)

sigh....starting off worse than before.

the damage is done, and once this baby comes i am going to be on my own with the weight loss.

im heavier than when i delivered jude, and as the numbers creep up i get a little sad. Im VERY happy for the reason WHY I am heavy. Im excited to meet my daughter. but the fat girl in me feels defeated. I want to be better! I want to be thinner! Ive gained all the weight back and then some since last January!

but you know what? I CAN GET YOU OFF, FAT!

YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THEY CAN DO IT!

so there.

pfffft.

motivation.

The Biggest Loser on Hulu AND ON netflix? LOVE IT! now i have ALL THE SEASONS!

so im tryign to be healthier. i want it so badly.

today my love and my son and i went on a 25 or so mijnute walk around the neighborhood to be healthy and then i played with my resistance bands!

i need to keep up with my waters.

water water water.

i need it.

Maya bean needs it.

and my future self needs it.

i feel her rolling around in there, and knowing ive kept her healthy the last 23 weeks is SO rewarding.

at this point knowing she could come and have a chance, even a slim one, of being healthy. but im being responsible with this precious life.

also, on our walk with the boys today, i tried to jog, tried to run...the intense pain and pressure on my pelvic bone was too much.

i wont lie, ive never been a runner, but i can watch TBL every day?! my own history shows that i am much more successful of leading a healthy lifestyle during TBL seasons :]

i can do this.

and you know what...you can too.

after i showed a friend of mine the blog, i got motivated to read back. i was reading feelings i havent touched on in 10-16-18 months even...and it motivated me. i WILL NOT be sad. my life is incredible and my weight does NOT impact my mood that much. im motivcated, im happy. im gonna be successful damnit.

Poutine...

soooo J came to take me to a late night date in portland and told me to prepare to break the diet. we dont have cheat days so i thought it would be okay...

he took me to poutine.

dont know what poutine is?

i wont even tell you.

go google it.

and by the way...it IS possible to have a hangover for your belly. i woke up feelin horrible, meat sweats and all.

sigh.

but its a good feeling. its like i know that my body doesnt like those things that years ago wouild have been AMAZING.

:]

progress!

yes.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1whZxv/ransom.sytes.org/%253Fr%253DbmV2ZXIgZG91YnQgZm9yIGEgc2Vjb25kIGhvdyB0cnVseSBiZWF1dGlmdWwgeW91IGFyZSrL3Yc

Pneumonia pffffft

to celebrate a friends birthday...even if i couldnt be there.

i got all dolled up and put on makeup...and then hacked my brains out.

on a weight loss or lack thereof related note...

turkey chili for dinner

quesadillas for lunch

oatmeal and EW omelette for breakfast

i think i did all right.

should likely consume more water.

Happy Birthday Lady J!

Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

what an amazing and incredible feat...

to be at the point, where even before im done losing all the weight i want to lose....

i can say out loud "i feel beautiful" because i truly do. instead of saying it just to be "confident" when inside i cried.

i sure love being me.

this whole thing is transformation.

seriously.

im still about 205 maybe more with recent binging.

and toggling between size 14 and 16.

not much has changed.

but i can say i feel and i am beautiful.

how cool how just growing emotionally and mentally can do wonders on what you think you look like.

: ]

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

reached out today

to a friend...for some advice.

he also has lost about 80 lbs...

and i was getting a little discouraged.

heres how it played out....im posting this only because i had a temporary weakness...and i needed someone who understood. thats why you guys peruse my silly blog anyway right?

anyway. i like showing weakness...i think it shows strength.

Me:

Losing motivation. Fallen off the wagon a bit the last 3 weeks. And just wanna get these last 25 lbs gone. Its taken so long and it should have been gone already. How do I push through this ridiculous plateau of both mind and body? :( not that 80lbs isn't good enough, but I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the whole damn thing. Ever feel that way?

Him:

Felt that way nearly every day. Its hard when we wired ourselves a certain way for so long to completely change who we are. Try changing something up with your workout and food so its somewhat new. Not easier or harder, just different. But to be frank that you reached out and asked shows you your determination is already there. Run harder walk farther keep pushing. You can do it. Realize how long it took to gain the weight and how fast comparatively you've lost it. The difference is probably years.

its important to have someone something tangible to show that its possible.

because it is.

be beautiful.

be you.

be love.

talk soon interwebs.

RESPECT the PROCESS

it IS a process.

i ate a sensible breakfast, minus the fact i used the whole egg for my egg sammich instead of just the whites.

but i had garlic bread, and a lot of it, with dinner.

but i did drink 64 ounces so far today.

and im on vacation with a sick kid....that has to count for something.

the thing that i wanted to pass along today...was that my hope is that everyone RESPECTS the PROCESS.

respect that you will try and sometimes fail.

respect that some weeks youll lose little.

respect the process to not binge when you have a chance.

respect the process to know you will, ladies, bloat when its your period. dont freak out.

respect the process not to freak.

respect the process to feel a little stab of guilt but not freak out with guilt. you can cheat. its okay.

respect the process and drink your water. im horrible at this. but there is MUCH proof your body needs it.

respect the process by respecting yourself.

youll be a lot happier that way. :)

love you.

Honesty...

im going to be honest. i havent been good.

been craving sweets, and given in to them.

im not sad about it.

i can tell you that im averaging around 203 right now, still in my plateau, even when i cave into the temptations. i dont gain much, or lose much. but today im probably packing on at least 5 lbs in water weight.

the pictures below show it all. this isnt my normal stomach anymore. this is concentrated bloat. not from "Aunt Agnus" that i can tell. i feel like i look moderately pregnant from the side. Im NOT fyi :)

it goes to show that the caving in is not the problem. cheating or giving in to temptation will not cause crazy weight gain if done every once in awhile, but your body may have an adverse reaction...also if you havent drank much water in the recent days. i just had about 32 ounces of water, likely more than i had drank in the last 2 days combined. THIS is why its important. because if your external body has such a drastic effect from not having much water, what is happening on the inside?

bodies are beautiful. i feel good. i know i havent progressed much, and i have fallen off the wagon. but still, im me. and ive maintained this "i feel beautiful" outlook, and plan on doing so.

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.

Checking in

been doing eh.

what do i mean by that?

ive had a couple times where ive gotten a little crazy and binged a little, not gonna lie because lets face it, who reads this? and wat do i gain by lying to strangers anyway.

i reread the blog a lot, and its almost reassuring that i have my ups and downs because it means there is always an end to a lull i get myself into but also its a little sad that i dont seem to have the willpower to maintain positive progress.

ive met someone.

and i spend a lot of time with him.

he is a wonderful man, and he thinks im beautiful, and i feel beautiful. i love who i am, and how i look.

its nice to feel myself around someone. i feel like a lady. not that i didnt in previous relationships, ive always felt beautiful and believed them when they said it. but i feel comfortable in my own skin as ive grown this past few months since ending my engagement with my sons father.

but i see myself differently. i feel beautiful, flawed, but beautiful.

no makeup, in sweats.

i just feel beautiful.

but ive been eating sensibly. when i go to subway, lets face it, i DO eat there a lot, i can actually put aside my 6 inches thats left and just let it sit until a couple hours later when i will finish it.

:) i have willpower and confidence. my body hasnt changed much since last time i posted, and seeing as how i spend a lot of time with this wonderful man, i havent worked out or gone to the gym to use that free membership which is gonna expire in 2 weeks, or even done my power walk around the waterfront. but im being more sensible. water, lots of it. i picked up a water bottle from WinCo that has a dial for how many bottles ive drank, and i fill it a couple times a day and try to get my water in. aside from a few binging indiscretions i have learned more about my abilities with portion control.

i drink coffee, but cut out the liquid creamers, and though i still do go to dutch brothers a little too much and even opt for the full fat full flavors every once in awhile, im sensible.

i like feeling in control of this. i know if i had just ate my pride and boredom and maintained my strength and consistency i could have lost at least 10 lbs in the last 2 months, but im okay with that. i havent stepped on a scale since my doctors appt on dec 7th, because its not about numbers. its about how i feel.

and i feel sexy, i feel beautiful. i feel flawed but just right, and thats a huge growing piece on my part.

im still a work in progress. i DO still want to lose the full 100 lbs.

it was hard to reread an earlier entry and see that my goal to lose that 100 was supposed to be done by May or June of last year. but my resolution for 2011 has nothing to do with weight.

its to do more for others than i do for myself.

its to be happy in any and all things.

its to love myself and love others with wreckless abandon.

love isnt about acceptance of who you are, its embracing who you are and loving yourself because youre you.

its not saying "im okay with how i look" its saying "im beautiful" without adding a "but" or an "in spite of" at the end of it.

i love myself. im beautiful. with no strings attached and no catches.

:)

im going to be more responsible, but in all things i just need to know its okay no matter how i look.

and you too.

be healthy.

if youre overweight, work on it. but dont be hard on yourself.

biggest loser is back thank goodness. i love when they have seasons back to back because i feel stronger and motivated.

today i have eaten 8 inches of a footlong for lunch and then the other 4 a few hours later and im going to eat a turkey sammich for dinner.

i was tempted to get something sweet like ice cream or cookies, or fulfill my craving for a whole loaf of french bread with butter. i resisted! im living life, and life doesnt revolve around food. food is the energy for life, and it doesnt rule mine. its just for sustenance and not just for enjoyment anymore.

life is good friends.

LOVE it.

:) for funsies....

A reminder I'm beautiful in my own skin...no make up and some chub underneath...

My view

You can.