For you, Miss Kathy.

sigh, i wish that i could say this post will be 100% positive. but it starts from a real dark place.

a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.

but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.

FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.

nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.

ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.

but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.

so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.

im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.

this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.

additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.

for you miss Kathy.

im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.

bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.

thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.


much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.


RachelMay.

today

cereal for breakfast with soy milk that i didnt drink.

a fiber one bar. yummmm.

too many handfuls of jelly beans. (i know i know.)

dinner was subway, chicken breast on wheat no cheese lots of veggies.

a few more unneeded jellybeans. (i KNOW i KNOW.)

i was still hungry so i ate a canteloupe. YUM.

we went shopping today. healthy choices (save for Js peanut butter cups, that i cant eat anyway because of no dairy...so im off the hook).

i tried to make easter a candy free one. little js basket was candy free from us, but was spoiled by grandparents. sigh. now its here everywhere! tomorrow he gets a couple more pieces, and then its getting tossed!

anyhow. i forgot to submit this. so it was still open. youll be pleased to know i tossed most of the candy. i did have a slight issue today. upong hearing bad news about my daughter at the doctor (more on that later) i was in a HURRY to grab food for the company we had and pick up my husband. so i bought burger king. DAMMIT!

yeah i made a bad choice.

but being pissed wont change it. only changhing tomorrow will help.

be accountable.

be strong.

be happy.

be loved.

nearly 4 weeks.

i have not weighed myself since i was weighed at the doctor a couple weeks ago and i was 269.

i believe i had mentioned that was about 20 lbs down.

i feel like ive made further progress.

i did put myself in a pair of jeans that didnt have elastic in the waistband :)

they were a size 18 (barf) and my stomach is definitely shaped differently than it was prior to baby number 2. but im okay with it. i have no desire to weigh myself yet. 4 weeks may seem like a long time, but in terms of healing from having a baby? heck no! your body spends 40 weeks GROWING the baby, why shouldnt i allow more than 4 to recover? the paijn has basically subsided, im just trying to find balance and energy. trying to breastfeed and find sleep and balance two children. its not hard, just different, and intentionally trying to lose weight while trying to maintain and grow a milk supply is not feasible. im going to be smart about my foods (no fast food in the last 4 weeks!) drink my water (liquids are more important than ever now). ill worry about trying to get in more exercise and counting calories when im not trying to grow a thriving supply of food for my baby with my body :) in a couple weeks it should level out, and i plan on incorporating walking into my routine to jumpstart things and get back into it.

just some thoughts about the whole weight loss thing. im excited to see it happen eventually to be real honest. yesterday i went out in the blustery oregon weather and grabbed an old sweater i wore about 16 months ago. it was a Medium. yeah, can you say "fat girl in a little coat?" :) noooo i dont consider myself fat, but it wouldnt even close enough to try to zip it. it will be nice to wear it comfortably again! also, i had to have J put all my "skinny" clothes in the garage for now since there is no room in our house for them.

i WILL bust those out sooner than later.

Weight you WILL NOT DEFEAT ME :)

biggest loser finale

oh man oh man. im so tired of seeing finale after finale.

because i wonder "how do they lose 100 lbs!? ive been working on the same hundred since 12/27/2008!" oh yeah thats right...they exercise all the freakin time.

i really need to be less lazy :]

maybe boxing....

oh yeah, next monday im thinking bowling and batting cages. fun hmmmm?

i need to make it fun. i like having fun. dont you?

by the way, jillian...im going to miss you.

oooh, i think i might do yoga during Bugs nap.

feeling beautiful

went to a game last night with my best friend.

and i bought a slinky new dress that clung to my curves. this picture actually makes me look decievingly small. in reality im not that tiny lol but i am fitter and feeling great.

i felt beautiful and it made me feel amazing.

it always has made me feel good, to dress nicely.

i felt beautiful, sexy.

dont get me wrong, my tights were tight, the dress was a little short, and it rode up and sometimes i felt a little exposed...but its because im getting used to it. this body is relatively new for me.

i have work to go...but i work it in the right clothes and i feel great. :]

holllaaaa

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

reached out today

to a friend...for some advice.

he also has lost about 80 lbs...

and i was getting a little discouraged.

heres how it played out....im posting this only because i had a temporary weakness...and i needed someone who understood. thats why you guys peruse my silly blog anyway right?

anyway. i like showing weakness...i think it shows strength.

Me:

Losing motivation. Fallen off the wagon a bit the last 3 weeks. And just wanna get these last 25 lbs gone. Its taken so long and it should have been gone already. How do I push through this ridiculous plateau of both mind and body? :( not that 80lbs isn't good enough, but I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the whole damn thing. Ever feel that way?

Him:

Felt that way nearly every day. Its hard when we wired ourselves a certain way for so long to completely change who we are. Try changing something up with your workout and food so its somewhat new. Not easier or harder, just different. But to be frank that you reached out and asked shows you your determination is already there. Run harder walk farther keep pushing. You can do it. Realize how long it took to gain the weight and how fast comparatively you've lost it. The difference is probably years.

its important to have someone something tangible to show that its possible.

because it is.

be beautiful.

be you.

be love.

talk soon interwebs.

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.