For you, Miss Kathy.

sigh, i wish that i could say this post will be 100% positive. but it starts from a real dark place.

a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.

but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.

FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.

nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.

ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.

but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.

so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.

im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.

this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.

additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.

for you miss Kathy.

im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.

bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.

thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.


much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.


RachelMay.

damn cereal.

not much else to eat...except for oatmeal. but i needed a break from oatmeal :]

but now to find a cheap slow cooker recipe :]

thinking about using this site for it.

http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/01/30/the-frugal-magic-of-the-five-ingredient-crock-pot-meal/

also...huluplus has like the old seasons of the biggest loser...HEYOH!

day 2...98 days left...jkjk 28 days left

of some basic strength being worked into my day.

just making simple changes....incorporating Plank, Pushups, Squats and stretches to feel a change in my flexibility and work on the ab muscles that i used to work on with my old PT.

gonna workmy way up again to doing more!

gonna do some simple changes for 100 days and see to it that i maintain upward movements.

but in the interest of me sucking at keeping the energy up. i think im gonna change it to 30 days : ] easier time frame? maybe. its like reverse psychology.

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.

Checking in

been doing eh.

what do i mean by that?

ive had a couple times where ive gotten a little crazy and binged a little, not gonna lie because lets face it, who reads this? and wat do i gain by lying to strangers anyway.

i reread the blog a lot, and its almost reassuring that i have my ups and downs because it means there is always an end to a lull i get myself into but also its a little sad that i dont seem to have the willpower to maintain positive progress.

ive met someone.

and i spend a lot of time with him.

he is a wonderful man, and he thinks im beautiful, and i feel beautiful. i love who i am, and how i look.

its nice to feel myself around someone. i feel like a lady. not that i didnt in previous relationships, ive always felt beautiful and believed them when they said it. but i feel comfortable in my own skin as ive grown this past few months since ending my engagement with my sons father.

but i see myself differently. i feel beautiful, flawed, but beautiful.

no makeup, in sweats.

i just feel beautiful.

but ive been eating sensibly. when i go to subway, lets face it, i DO eat there a lot, i can actually put aside my 6 inches thats left and just let it sit until a couple hours later when i will finish it.

:) i have willpower and confidence. my body hasnt changed much since last time i posted, and seeing as how i spend a lot of time with this wonderful man, i havent worked out or gone to the gym to use that free membership which is gonna expire in 2 weeks, or even done my power walk around the waterfront. but im being more sensible. water, lots of it. i picked up a water bottle from WinCo that has a dial for how many bottles ive drank, and i fill it a couple times a day and try to get my water in. aside from a few binging indiscretions i have learned more about my abilities with portion control.

i drink coffee, but cut out the liquid creamers, and though i still do go to dutch brothers a little too much and even opt for the full fat full flavors every once in awhile, im sensible.

i like feeling in control of this. i know if i had just ate my pride and boredom and maintained my strength and consistency i could have lost at least 10 lbs in the last 2 months, but im okay with that. i havent stepped on a scale since my doctors appt on dec 7th, because its not about numbers. its about how i feel.

and i feel sexy, i feel beautiful. i feel flawed but just right, and thats a huge growing piece on my part.

im still a work in progress. i DO still want to lose the full 100 lbs.

it was hard to reread an earlier entry and see that my goal to lose that 100 was supposed to be done by May or June of last year. but my resolution for 2011 has nothing to do with weight.

its to do more for others than i do for myself.

its to be happy in any and all things.

its to love myself and love others with wreckless abandon.

love isnt about acceptance of who you are, its embracing who you are and loving yourself because youre you.

its not saying "im okay with how i look" its saying "im beautiful" without adding a "but" or an "in spite of" at the end of it.

i love myself. im beautiful. with no strings attached and no catches.

:)

im going to be more responsible, but in all things i just need to know its okay no matter how i look.

and you too.

be healthy.

if youre overweight, work on it. but dont be hard on yourself.

biggest loser is back thank goodness. i love when they have seasons back to back because i feel stronger and motivated.

today i have eaten 8 inches of a footlong for lunch and then the other 4 a few hours later and im going to eat a turkey sammich for dinner.

i was tempted to get something sweet like ice cream or cookies, or fulfill my craving for a whole loaf of french bread with butter. i resisted! im living life, and life doesnt revolve around food. food is the energy for life, and it doesnt rule mine. its just for sustenance and not just for enjoyment anymore.

life is good friends.

LOVE it.

26.2 in 26.2

Friday Dec 10th: 3.0

Sat Dec 11th: 2.5

Wednesday Dec 15th: 3.5

Thursday: Dec 16th: 3.5

Friday Dec 17: 1.5

total: 14 miles. 1 week.

total remaining: 12.2 miles with 19 days remaining.

what have i been listening to during my workouts?

Adam Lambert "whattaya want from me"

Hanson "Wasting Time"

Hanson "My Own Sweet Time"

The Script "Break Even"

Lifehouse "Whatever It Takes"

OutKast "Hey Ya"

Matisyahu "One Day"

: )

feeling good. getting lots of water in by holding someone else accountable for the same thing.

long night of debauchery and sinning had me up til 630 and up again at 830 for the day. so i cheated with a sugar free rockstar and a nonfat annihilator. but im allowing it. :)

lets goooooooooooooooooooo.

Doing it.

Bout 3 miles in tonight. :) lip synching...loudly. I hope people are watching. :) tonight on repeat is break even by the script. But there has been some adam lamber "whattaya want from me" and some neon trees "animal".

Go get em tiger.

I swear it looks different in person...

when i get tinier.

im saving my taxes...or some of them...and i have plans for when i am where i wanna be.

im going to buy all new underthings...the nice ones that you WANT people to see : ]

im going to buy leggings...like 5 pair.

im going to buy a sexy rexy new dress. something tighter, suggestive, but classy.

im going to buy a 50s style bathing suit and get dressed for a fun retro photoshoot with a friend.

im going to get a badass new haircut, choppy layers and something to frame the face.

Im going to buy some black skirts and adorable coverall dresses.

im going to get a new tattoo.

im going to get a mani pedi...and take my man out on the town, showing off my babe, my body, my confidence.


its going to be a good day. this mis my motivation...what is yours? what are YOU going to do?

its working!

omg.

so its really hard to be, and forgive me for being redundant, the one i see in the mirror. yes i love myself. what i mean here is that i see myself every day...and i dont notice a change in the way i look.

but yesterday i was wearing my size 16 dress slacks...and they were hanging off me almost.
so today i did a little experiment. i went to my fave thrift store and tried on size 14 dress pants.

they fit.

not only did they fit but they fit good. i ended up buying two pairs of black slacks and a pair of khaki colored slacks.

the jeans were not quite there. some i couldnt button; some i could button but with a gnarly muffin top : ] but it must be working. i wont lie when i say it hurt my ego a little to measure myself, and moreso to post them here. but this is a big win.

im closer to my goal.

i havent been a 14 in anything for over 2.5 years, maybe longer.

i feel wonderful. i bought another pair of 16 jeans that make me look good : ] and feel great.


this is a wonderful feeling.

i did well with my eating today. had banana and an apple for breakfast; fruit always seems to help my energy level.

i walked around stores a lot today which isnt quite the exercise i wanted but i was way tired. still not an excuse. well it IS an excuse but its not a good reason.

i snacked more than i should: had my weakness: saltines. and had a couple handfuls of peanuts to tide me over. i ate veggie sub at subway for lunch and am going to have some chicken and asparagus for dinner.

im feeling good. i am loving the feeling of putting ona cute outfit and knowing that i am doing well.

am i going to reach my goal? eventually yes. i have failed my resolution fo working out 3x a week, but will work on getting my new gym membership where i can go with J and the little beau here soon.

i have a great life. i dont take it for granted. above all i am a good mommy to a fantastic little boy.
we are pretty sure he is getting another ear infection, and our hopes are to stay away from the tubes; it hurts to know he is in pain.

im going to go in to watch and cuddle the little boy, but i had to let whoever reads this know....even if you cant SEE results, doesnt mean results arent there. the person you see in the mirror can be decieving, because we see that person daily.

good luck and ill post again soon!

okay...deep breaths...

today was a day i decided to weigh in. why? i dont know...im silly.

205...closest ive been to under 200 in a LONG time.

my goal is by Valentines day, as a present to myself...im GOING to be under 200 lbs.


i have a lot of friends doing other weight loss support...be it by supplements or weight loss surgeries...and i havent decided what is right for me yet. im giving myself until may to play around with my own devices and see what i can do.

while being 205 lbs is a HUGE accomplishment for me...i chose to sabotage my feel good mood...by measuring.

i felt some regret, and i know i still will, when i realized i should have done that right after Julian was born.

to know what difference 76 lbs makes would be so uplifting.
its hard to be the same face in the mirror when other people see the progress. I WANT TO SEE IT!

anyway...here i am baring myself to the world...through numbers.

its time to face facts M, this is who i am....
and dammit...i LOVE it. i have a lot to Love...but thats a good thign right?


small natural waist: 34"

thickest part of love handles 41" (cringe)

neck 13.5"

mid ribs under bust 36.5" (down from 38/40 : ])

calves 15"

Largest part of my thigh: THIS one was a hard one to see. 26.5

thats the size of my little brothers waist almost.

those numbers are hard to see.... but lets motivate!

sometimes i need a pick-me-up (please, no one actually try to pick me up, as this might perpetuate the feeling of heaviness).

i was going to go to the kroc center tonight.
but that damned tailbone hurt SO bad from my 8 hour meeting today. those chairs were horrible and there was SO Much Sitting!

im going to try and be active tomorrow.
and am going to continue the eating. today i had a banana a small amount of beef jerky and cereal breakfast bar for bfast, 6 inches of turkey sub for lunch. 3.5" of turkey sub for snack and some grilled teriyaki chicken for dinner with some steamed rice. half portions.

im working on it. its hard to see the progress of others and be sincerely happy for them...lol until you see your own that is.


im going to go fill out the fafsa.

someone tell me im skinny : ]

hmmm

today i wasnt bad.

rice krispies for breakfast...didnt drink the milk.

banana and orange for first snack

veggie sub for lunch

banana for second snack

(yesterday i had m&ms i know im a rebel...but i promised myself i wouldnt let myself regret it. my tummy isnt used to it anymore:] good thing!)

had a low calorie tortilla and cheese quesadilla (mozarella is lower calorie than the rest i guess) and some leftover spaghetti we made low cal last night.

i did succumb to a few too many otter pops...i have myself a gnarly gnarly sore throat. it helps. i dont feel bad. 25 calories each. wee high in sugar but the sacrifices we make when we feel icky :]

was a good day.

hoping in 5 weeks im under 200...lets go weight loss!!!

went grocery shopping last night to get supplies to make a low cal crockpot veggie and beef stew. found the recipe on sparkpeople.com.


excited to try my hand at it!

eeesh.

im not going to lie.


i was bad today.

i did very minimal workout. as in some small exercises that did not make up for the graham cracker and chocolate snacking i did.


its so much easier, ive realized, to eat better once your on a streak.

any sparkpeople member would know thats when youve been eating well for days...you dont want to ruin the streak...so saying no is easier.

its not...when youve been bad already.


tomorrow im going to do the workout. #1 of 60.

jillian michaels. you better kick my ass.

i have a lot of it that needs your kicking.


why cant i just say no?

or rather...why do i choose to say yes instead?

lord, give me strength. if i cant say no to bad foods, how strong am i really?

goodness

im not going to use it as a crutch but i hate agnes.
i didnt exercise today.
no, instead i stayed home with a sick bub except for 4 hours of the day i worked.
cereal for breakfast. coffee (half a pot with some creamer sugar free) a chicken breast sub sammich and chicken enchiladas for dindin.

j tries to cook healthy but bless his heart he loves good food. we're working on it. as i try to shed these last 30 lbs for now, j has a goal of 40 ish. he is in a smaller pants size i think. dratted men and their weight loss abilities.

i decided to skip dessert.

now i have a friend in the weight loss business, a colleague if you will, we have agreed to text in temptation. i didnt feel the need tonight. i just skipped dessert. truth be told i half forgot, since we were trying to feed the babe while teaching him to say please more.

i made agreement with the nanny that we will do jillian michaels thirty day shred at least thrice a week.

see i figured it out, i want my goal weight to be reached by the end of may, if i work out a minimum of 3x a week thats 60 workouts. i have seen success and i will reach my goals, and i wont be disappointed if not at the goal point. i think the huge key to success is being happy with any goal, and being happy with any progress achieved. if im seeing the lbs fall off...then i will keep with it...unless i falter like i did in december.

my short term goal, the first of many is to see the 100s again. i havent weighed myself, but im pretending i went back up to 212. thats allowing myself an unseen 6 lbs gained back. im hoping thats not the case. after another steady week or two of good decisions, including all my waters drank for the day, i will weigh myself and post it here. im too scared, and i sent myself up that creek on my own.

having a friend do it, while not working out together or counting calories together will prove successful. people see success in numbers, and seeing a friend do it will help loads.

portions remain a big obstacle. im learning my body wont fall sick if i dont have that second bowl of cereal...and i dont need the milk in it either at the end of the bowl.

i need to ration my creamer, and not go for seconds.

i need to fill the smaller plates, and go back to my soups for lunch or veggie subs and save my calories for snacks and dinner.

i need to be drinking my 94 oz of water a day and compensate for any other beverages such as coffee or rockstars that work as a diuretic.

how easy it all is on paper, or blog as it is. more importantly, i need to remember all the time how happy and gratifying it is to see the weight come off, and realize once i am at my goals, each of them, that i will no longer loathe those skinny girls who work out.

they are not your enemies M, they are your comrades in this battle. they however, are the smart proactive ones, who never let themselves get to my point.

200s you are going to be gone soon., i promise you. its been a long relationship, but its time to cut ties, we'll be friends, but no more. we'll talk on the phone, but this face to face daily relationship has got to stop.


i love you, self. and i respect all you are.


i really do love me. and im proud of me dammit. :]

oh my.

i.hate.having.a.period.

yeah yeah, if you're a guy reading this, get over it. its the elephant in the room. Girls Have Periods. and it sucks...but it guarantees you arent pregnant for another month...and that you are still somewhat of a fertile myrtle.

after having a baby i wont turn my nose up at having a period, for i know what my body is capable of.

but then there are the months, especially when Endo rears her UGLY head, that id rather be in labor. because though it hurts a helluva lot worse...my labor lasted only 27 hours rather than 7 days (or longer...gasp) and they give you the good stuff for the pain, not like my gyno who believes endo wont go away and pain management best be natural. it makes sense the other 3 weeks of the month; you don;t want someone to be addicted to painkillers for a lifelong condition. but then that one week comes up and i want to rip out my uterus and give it to him so he can feel the pain.

ugh.

needless to say, im NOT exercising.
the closest thing i did to good decisions was i ate only ONE bowl of cereal, though my PMS-ey self wanted another. i had a handful of hershey kisses in the throes of the pain. i took a vicodin and then ate some sugarfree jello to settle my stomach followed by cucumbers and pickles as a snack. not too bad of a day. i think im still under 700 calories.

For The Love Of God! (or for the abbreviationally minded...FTLOG!)Para el Amor de Dios! thats definitely not right, but you DONT argue with a woman on the rag. (that, by the way, is a HORRIBLE figure of speech. i dont care the origin its stupid).

im cranky, im bitter, im in PAIN. and im not a peach right now.

my new years resolution is not a resolution. because resolutions are broken. its an agreement.

get some kind of cardio 3x a week until at least May.
supporting a friend of mine will help, as she is working out at work and i should do the same, and making sure im staying true to the Blogger world. (who actually reads this anyway? doesnt matter im pretending i have throngs of fans awaiting to hear my next overweight confession).
now cardio is not just gym work (truth be told i cancelled my 24 hour membership, and once my club privileges run out in march am joining the Kroc Center so i can workout with my baby J.)
but my definition of cardio could be even as simple as mine and A's game of "walk 2 miles in wal mart" during a late night visit.


i have a somewhat desk job.
rarely on my feet unless i need to be...and my whole "i should be clocking in 10,000 steps a day" rarely rings in over 5k.
speaking of which, i should petition for a 5k to be turned into just a race to hit 5000 steps. then id be in a 5k every day : ]

im miserable right now.

appreciate anyone who is out there in the web reading my monthly woes.
send me love and chocolate and let me know if you're reading.
for now. im going to drink the waters (another part of the agreement between 2010 and i) and go cuddle with my sick bebe while the man watches football.

make good decisions and talk to 2010...make an agreement for your wellbeing.

later friends.

im overweight now...wooo!

only time i can joke about that.

i weighted myself last night after about 80 oz of water and a big dinner.

of course, it showed 211. i got discouraged until i remembered, first thing in the morning. and i was right. first thing this mornign before coffee, breakfast oir water i weighed myself.
207-208.
for my height, that makes my BMI 29.8 which is just at the very tip of the OVERWEIGHT category and not the OBESE category.

im working on it. slowly but surely.

just by may, thats all i need. thats 28 lbs in the next 23 weeks.

1.21 lbs per week.

i can do this. i CAN do this!

05.27.2010

on May 27th 2010 Julian will be 17 months old.

i am going to be 180 lbs on 05.27.2010.

im 211 now.

i bought a kettlebell today.
i have been using my yoga ball for back extensions and for torso turns with a medicine ball.
im using the kettlebells and small 5 lb hand weights for basic strength training and exercises.

i need to lose about 1.25 lbs per week to reach my goal.

i can do this.

i have a healthy weight coach from my insurance calling me biweekly.

she wants me to hit 3500 cals burned per week ( 1 lb worth) and eat 1600 calories or less.

do i think this is reasonable? yes, but i can tell you i am probably not going to reach it.

i hate giving up time with J to work out.
but its time to step it up. i have to meet this. to show me, to show big J to show little j that i care about them and i love them and for me. i need this. this closure.

i want energy, stamina. i want to be able to run.

i have of course like always flaked out on my exercising i was once so gung ho about. but i am going to do this. somehow some way healthy like.


i love my life. i love my sons life. i want to make it the best for him that i can, and i need to get healthy. my BMI as of last week was 30.3. im 3 lbs away from crossing from the OBESE mark to the OVERWEIGHT mark.
when im 180 i will be lbs away from being Normal Healthy Weight BMI.

support, comments, flattery...offer me what you can.


i love my life.

GOOOOOAOAAAAALLLL!

i entered the hospital on 12.27.2008 at 281 lbs.
that doesnt count the weight i gained while in there.
i have managed to lose and maintain 69 lbs of that weight loss.
in 32 lbs i will have exceeded 100 lbs of weight loss.
181.
i cant even remember the last time i crossed from the 100s to the 200s.

i want it back.
i did 3 hours of weights yesterday.
im 212 lbs.
i want to be 180 lbs. and then set another goal.

i have personal motivation lately, and it certainly helps to have JBug.
and nanny. she has been a superior motivator : ].

wish me luck and extend some support; im going to need it.


21 lbs to go!