sigh.

yeah, according to my records that has been my headline a lot.

but its one huge sigh.

id like to say weight loss and accountability are easy but they arent.

heres hoping that certain situations change and things change for the better.

i do pneumonia wrong

i swear...

i hhave had pneumonia for 9 days....and most of those with no apetite. and i still and the same shape.

i was smart ad ate each day anyway, to make sure i wasnt depriving my body, but nothing changed. i dont even know.

im feeling better, thank goodness.

im so so thankful for my health.

those doctors knew what they were doing and are taking good car eof me.

im blessed.

but seriously.

LOSE SOME WEIGHT BODY!

i dont think it helps that i have been a little depressed over a few things. i wish that i could just see where everything is going to end up so that i knew i could get through a lot of my feelings right now.

when it comes to break ups...sometimes i dont think you ever realy break up.

:(

i wish it were different. and its been eating at me the last few days. on top of being sick and holed up for a few days, i just am getting emotional and physical cabin fever.

since ive been home i swear ive been so jazzed just to be here that ive cleaned and cooked and built fires...all of which are not awesome for recovery thats for damn sure.

i wish i could say that the best part of pneumonia is the weight loss like some people...for me though, its the hot doctor and the feeling of recovery. im so so blessed that its almost over!

Honesty...

im going to be honest. i havent been good.

been craving sweets, and given in to them.

im not sad about it.

i can tell you that im averaging around 203 right now, still in my plateau, even when i cave into the temptations. i dont gain much, or lose much. but today im probably packing on at least 5 lbs in water weight.

the pictures below show it all. this isnt my normal stomach anymore. this is concentrated bloat. not from "Aunt Agnus" that i can tell. i feel like i look moderately pregnant from the side. Im NOT fyi :)

it goes to show that the caving in is not the problem. cheating or giving in to temptation will not cause crazy weight gain if done every once in awhile, but your body may have an adverse reaction...also if you havent drank much water in the recent days. i just had about 32 ounces of water, likely more than i had drank in the last 2 days combined. THIS is why its important. because if your external body has such a drastic effect from not having much water, what is happening on the inside?

bodies are beautiful. i feel good. i know i havent progressed much, and i have fallen off the wagon. but still, im me. and ive maintained this "i feel beautiful" outlook, and plan on doing so.

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.

oh my.

i.hate.having.a.period.

yeah yeah, if you're a guy reading this, get over it. its the elephant in the room. Girls Have Periods. and it sucks...but it guarantees you arent pregnant for another month...and that you are still somewhat of a fertile myrtle.

after having a baby i wont turn my nose up at having a period, for i know what my body is capable of.

but then there are the months, especially when Endo rears her UGLY head, that id rather be in labor. because though it hurts a helluva lot worse...my labor lasted only 27 hours rather than 7 days (or longer...gasp) and they give you the good stuff for the pain, not like my gyno who believes endo wont go away and pain management best be natural. it makes sense the other 3 weeks of the month; you don;t want someone to be addicted to painkillers for a lifelong condition. but then that one week comes up and i want to rip out my uterus and give it to him so he can feel the pain.

ugh.

needless to say, im NOT exercising.
the closest thing i did to good decisions was i ate only ONE bowl of cereal, though my PMS-ey self wanted another. i had a handful of hershey kisses in the throes of the pain. i took a vicodin and then ate some sugarfree jello to settle my stomach followed by cucumbers and pickles as a snack. not too bad of a day. i think im still under 700 calories.

For The Love Of God! (or for the abbreviationally minded...FTLOG!)Para el Amor de Dios! thats definitely not right, but you DONT argue with a woman on the rag. (that, by the way, is a HORRIBLE figure of speech. i dont care the origin its stupid).

im cranky, im bitter, im in PAIN. and im not a peach right now.

my new years resolution is not a resolution. because resolutions are broken. its an agreement.

get some kind of cardio 3x a week until at least May.
supporting a friend of mine will help, as she is working out at work and i should do the same, and making sure im staying true to the Blogger world. (who actually reads this anyway? doesnt matter im pretending i have throngs of fans awaiting to hear my next overweight confession).
now cardio is not just gym work (truth be told i cancelled my 24 hour membership, and once my club privileges run out in march am joining the Kroc Center so i can workout with my baby J.)
but my definition of cardio could be even as simple as mine and A's game of "walk 2 miles in wal mart" during a late night visit.


i have a somewhat desk job.
rarely on my feet unless i need to be...and my whole "i should be clocking in 10,000 steps a day" rarely rings in over 5k.
speaking of which, i should petition for a 5k to be turned into just a race to hit 5000 steps. then id be in a 5k every day : ]

im miserable right now.

appreciate anyone who is out there in the web reading my monthly woes.
send me love and chocolate and let me know if you're reading.
for now. im going to drink the waters (another part of the agreement between 2010 and i) and go cuddle with my sick bebe while the man watches football.

make good decisions and talk to 2010...make an agreement for your wellbeing.

later friends.

Before and current Pictures.

oh my word.

oh my word.


while doing some looking into a christmas present for a friend, i found myself going into old photos. and found some i had never seen before. my friends took them, the day i had my son.

i was nearly 300 lbs.
dont believe me?
take a gander.





i dont think i ever truly realized what i looked like at the end.

since this time, i have lost 76 lbs.
holy crap.

i have been sick for a couple days, literally, not leaving the house curled up on the couch, and feeling miserable. not just because of my ailment but also because that means im being sedentary. ive been staying within my calories, sometimes eating things i shouldnt. we all resort to comfort at times like this.
but im working on it.

my scale is my wii balance board.
i use it with the biggest loser game.
i use the same scale each time. and do it the same time, first thing in the a.m.
3rd day sick i was down to 206.
im sure that has gone up and i havent been doing as well with the waters as id like.
but still.
im proud of this.
i went from clearly obese to not obese : ].

will be excited when i can start working out again.
thats a lie. but im excited for weight loss.

here are some current photos. just took them.
please forgive the messy bathroom.
the blue shirt is one i made after my friend Shane passed, and i havent worn it comfortably since he died in Feb 2006. its been nearky 4 years. its evident to me the weight piled on after i lost him and also a couple others.
anyhow. my bathroom slash laundry room is messy.
and keep in mind i am rather excellent with cameras at making myself look awesome. (i think any fat girl is).
but this is me.

im overweight now...wooo!

only time i can joke about that.

i weighted myself last night after about 80 oz of water and a big dinner.

of course, it showed 211. i got discouraged until i remembered, first thing in the morning. and i was right. first thing this mornign before coffee, breakfast oir water i weighed myself.
207-208.
for my height, that makes my BMI 29.8 which is just at the very tip of the OVERWEIGHT category and not the OBESE category.

im working on it. slowly but surely.

just by may, thats all i need. thats 28 lbs in the next 23 weeks.

1.21 lbs per week.

i can do this. i CAN do this!

05.27.2010

on May 27th 2010 Julian will be 17 months old.

i am going to be 180 lbs on 05.27.2010.

im 211 now.

i bought a kettlebell today.
i have been using my yoga ball for back extensions and for torso turns with a medicine ball.
im using the kettlebells and small 5 lb hand weights for basic strength training and exercises.

i need to lose about 1.25 lbs per week to reach my goal.

i can do this.

i have a healthy weight coach from my insurance calling me biweekly.

she wants me to hit 3500 cals burned per week ( 1 lb worth) and eat 1600 calories or less.

do i think this is reasonable? yes, but i can tell you i am probably not going to reach it.

i hate giving up time with J to work out.
but its time to step it up. i have to meet this. to show me, to show big J to show little j that i care about them and i love them and for me. i need this. this closure.

i want energy, stamina. i want to be able to run.

i have of course like always flaked out on my exercising i was once so gung ho about. but i am going to do this. somehow some way healthy like.


i love my life. i love my sons life. i want to make it the best for him that i can, and i need to get healthy. my BMI as of last week was 30.3. im 3 lbs away from crossing from the OBESE mark to the OVERWEIGHT mark.
when im 180 i will be lbs away from being Normal Healthy Weight BMI.

support, comments, flattery...offer me what you can.


i love my life.

GOOOOOAOAAAAALLLL!

i entered the hospital on 12.27.2008 at 281 lbs.
that doesnt count the weight i gained while in there.
i have managed to lose and maintain 69 lbs of that weight loss.
in 32 lbs i will have exceeded 100 lbs of weight loss.
181.
i cant even remember the last time i crossed from the 100s to the 200s.

i want it back.
i did 3 hours of weights yesterday.
im 212 lbs.
i want to be 180 lbs. and then set another goal.

i have personal motivation lately, and it certainly helps to have JBug.
and nanny. she has been a superior motivator : ].

wish me luck and extend some support; im going to need it.


21 lbs to go!

beautiful.

im aware of my curves today, in a good way.

work up, took a shower.

wearing sweats and a t shirt, laying on the couch watching a court room drama with the handsome John Travolta.

JudeBug is sleeping.

Im tired. but its a GOOD day.

going to cancel 24 hour membership and sign up at Kroc this week.

gonna swim with my boy a lot!

how blessed i am.

i really should blog daily...

it holds me accountable.


i ate muchas gracias last night.
and vanilla wafers.

i was balls tired, and was keeping myself awake. i went to pick up food for A on the way home, and ended up buying myself something.

im going to keep going. one night wont stop me.


Tara Costa you are a powerhouse. i adore you and i want to have the willpower and strength that you do.

http://www.okmagazine.com/2009/11/biggest-losers-tara-costa-i-let-go-of-my-past/tara-costa-nov-5-5/

i also need to drink more water and maybe get a natural laxative or something.
it seems workign out has done a number on me.
yeah yeah TMI i know, but you're reading this because you're in the same boat right?
let me tell you, maybe i should invest in one of those procedures to clean out my body of waste or detox things and just get rid of 30 lbs of crap...literally lol.


i've been trying to do well.
i'm going through relationship problems...or lack thereof i guess, and havent had the energy to work out. still trying to eat within my calories. i stopped buying skinny cow. because i was eating 2 a night which is still 300 calories.
i have kept myself within the limits of 1600 most days. we'll see.

i COOKED! I cooked!
homemmade chicken noodle soup with chicken broth, chicken breast, celery, carrots, and onion and noodles. perfection!


i'm feeling blessed.

oh yeah, and i'm dragging my size 16 to see BB King tonight. gonna have a few drinks but ill be good : ]

ugh

man. its been a rough coupla days.

after a few days off cardio, i went back on. kept eating healthy every day (cept one because i had a craving for those tiny deep fried burritos...yum. but despite it all, i still gained 3 lbs?

how?

so i stopped looking. i need to get my water intake back up. i also just got off of miss lady thing. so maybe im bloated?

we are deciding on meal plans and better eating habits. we spent WAYY too much money on food last month outside of grocery shopping. time to tighten the budget and make sure to save some cash.

i ran yesterday! i ran! for 5 minutes. not a full on sprint...but folks. I. Dont. Run.

and i ran!!!!

:] i look like a bear havign a seizure when i run, but i RAN!

:]


talk about success.



heres hoping my work still gets me there.

holy cats.

been a tiring past couple days. cardio resumed. 30 mins per day.

eating fairly well. we took a date out to cinnebarre last night. i was smart and ate subway prior so i wouldnt eat their food.

i did munch on a couple deep fried pickle chips...how can you NOT?!

a week without biggest loser sucks. it really motivates. local channel aired the blazer game and preempted Bl and they didnt reschedule an airing.

this better not happen again :(

im TIRED. work has been exhausting. coupled with cardio...oy.

although some things i like for some snacks.


Progresso Light soups are under 200 cals a can and a great lunch with some wheat saltines...easy on the sodium! make sure you nail the water intake. i've been bad about that.

also, some pizza flavored pasta sauce is around 30 cals per serving. i take a serving of that and put it on a couple servings of wheat saltines for some pizza flavoring without eating pizza : ]

i am about 210 now at last weigh in 2 nights ago.

still eatin my skinny cow for my sweet craving or really small tastes of foods i want. :]

this could be good. just wishing 7 lbs lost was more than it actually is.

motivation.

whats my motivation?


today it is ryan reynolds.

yes.

today. my motivation is ryan reynolds.


this may or may not carry over until tomorrow.

and slash or the end of time.


why?

aside from the obvious attraction. there is something deeper.

he is HILARIOUS. and attractive. and FIT.

I. am hilarious.

i have a pretty face.

now for the whole fit thing to come into play.


on that note. lets add scarlett johansson to the list.
she's a babe.
AND she has ryan reynolds for a husband. :]

on that note

im going to go cuddle in bed and think about grocery shopping for GOOD foods tomorrow (not going on an empty stomach, going to JUST stick to the list), working out, my goals, and read up on the new issue of HEALTH magazine with Jillian Michaels on the cover.

im thinking also about a small detox. just from the random crap i put in my body sometimes. no fast food. no energy drinks (i rely on them too much for bad days and skip the water without thinking...ill admit to you random strangers, i had 3 THREE! sugar free rockstars. they are awesome, but not good for you :[ sigh), i will drink a LOT of water with NO artificial sweeteners, and work on mostly veggies while still creating properly balanced meals.

im going to try that for a week and see how i feel.

any ideas? tips...tricks?

let me know.

i need help.

that burp tasted of guilt...

yeah the subject is a little grosser than anyone would imagine.

here's how today went.

woke up went to work, ate a single serving of total whole grain with lowfat milk.

good choice. about 235 calories.

for lunch had a ream of wheat saltines with healthy choice 200 calorie per can chicken noodle soup.

still not too bad. about 550 calories. good choice.

on my lunch today, when i normally work out if the plan isnt going to the gym after work, i didnt work out. the past 5 days have left me exhausted. a day off isnt bad. its not a bad choice. rest is good, even when you arent doing hardcore workouts. it was 5 days of at least 30 mins cardio elliptical or bike. and i needed a break. good choice. i wasnt going tot he gym tonight anyway; i had a team outing planned for my team at work.

dinner came the tough part. the team outing was at red robin.

i was smart; as per my wonderful inspiration in Bob and Jillian from The Biggest Loser, i checked out the menu ahead of time by my trusty friend:

www.dwlz.com (short for dottis weight loss zone, thats how i remember the acronym. this website is awesome, on top of just finding tips n tricks and support up the arse, you will find a nearly completely and regularly updated restaurant list with their menu and meals caloried out for ya with fat and protein grams also provided. also this includes weight watchers points for almost every item...if you are a weight watchers points member.)

i checked out...red robin.

HOLY CREPES! i had NO idea my typical meal there was like this.

im a predictable person. i will fidn a good meal at a restaurant and get the same thing almost every time i go. routine is nice.

here is what my OLD usual meal would be: (courtesy of dwlz.com)

Teriyaki Chicken Burger (900 cal/47g fat/3g fiber/65g carbs/55g protein)

not to mention the steak fries that come with the gourmet burgers at around 400 calories a SERVING.

today i decided to be better. i like garden burgers, being a former vegetarian, so i opted for this choice:

The Garden Burger (578 cal/18g fat/10g fiber/63g carbs/22g protein

it was still keeping me within my recommended calories and not depriving me of a good burger.

i wish i had stopped there.

sometimes God (or whichever belief you believe in) gives you an :out" prior to making bad decisions. mine came in the form of being offered veggies as a side, veggies that i dont really like. i opted for the fries intending to stick with the small serving with the burgers, about 6 fries.

i didnt. i proactively asked for more, and the waiter came back stating the fries were just getting cooked and would be right out. i COULD have said no thanks.

i didnt.

when they came out STEAMIGN hot. i COULD have decided not to eat them. they werent any additional cost.

i didnt choose to forgo them.

so i ate about at least 500 calories in fries...If. Not. More.

i still try to not feel bad. i declined the alcoholic drink i was planning on having.

but i know i need to buckle down. i drank only about 32 oz of water today.

im going to bloat.

i need to get this right and get it right now.

i cant afford this in my life. i want to be healthy. i want to be 167 lbs.

i dont need to be rail thin. and if come 185 lbs i feel awesome, ill tone down the workouts and just work at maintaining my weight loss. but im not happy at 215. and after the past couple days...i bet i gained a little. im going to work at this. im GOING to get it right.

i think i'm going to set the goal of at least 185 by June 2010.

God Help me.

I'm going to need it.

october 16th, 2009.

workout partner was not coming to workout, but i pressed on. i was a bit worried i wouldnt push myself as hard without her there. but i took some music and some motivation.

it all started witht he elliptical again. it has become my friend. i have a really hard time running. (ive tried to eliminate CANT from my vocab, but its the way i really feel about running).

but today i made it further than even yesterday. i covered the time and just went. went until i started to feel the burn and then kept going.

i uncovered the time and saw i was at 34 minutes; this is longer than even yesterdays. but i noticed i was nearly at 300 calories...so that became my new goal: to get to 300 calories burned. then i acheived calories burned and decided...hey im SO close to 40 minutes...lets get to 40...once i hit forty i noticed i was at 2.93 miles...so i pressed on to 3 miles...and stayed until after 40 minutes had passed. i almost didnt want to get off of it. instant gratification on that machine, and after 20 minutes i seem to catch a second wind. but i knew i needed to mix it up a bit.

so i went to the leg machines. pushed a little further and did more, by distracting myself with a magazine.

i headed to the free weights and did a few reps of 12 lbers. then headed to the bike where i spent a few minutes cycling.

i stopped off at the stairmaster...instant;y felt a burn and wasnt feeling renewed enough for the challenge on that one, so i worked my upper body a bit and then rowed.

the rowing machine is crazy.

even my neck hurt. How Does it Do That?

holy cats.

but it was good. i tried to work the remnants or beginnings of my abs. not sure how that turned out.

ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast,

a granola bar for a snack.

a couple pieces of jerky for some protein.

then another bowl of cereal for my lunchish (i woke up late and my schedule was off, but, i knew that i needed the extra energy. fat free milk doesnt do me wrong.

i had another granola bar before going to the gym and topped off my workout with 2 turkey wraps. totalling under 300 calories the protein immediately gave me energy...holy crepes, how will i sleep?

the shower after felt awesome. at some points in the workout i think i felt my muscles actually breaking down.

but i feel awesome. i almost was too exhausted today from a twacky sleep schedule that i nearly didnt go, but its amazing how much energy you GET from expending what little energy you might have.

i know its a long journey, and i think ive decided to not weigh myself for awhile.

it could lead to disheartened feelings and crushed emotions.

i want to keep going. i cant keep giving up.

im now paying for this pain, and also the pride that comes with it.

the gym is a place where you are succeeding if you sweat all over yourself; where you dont matter if you are big and bulky.

it doesnt feel uncomfortable.

ive been there before, but always a bit self conscious, but its just a group of people wanting to be healthy, but at different stages. its nice to watch the tiny butt of a woman whos been working her tail off and knowing i can get that too.

its like a high, an addiction.

but after that shower...my muscles are on fire. THIS part i dont know how i feel about.

i do love the feeling of this though. the inner emotional "i'm actually Doing it" feeling.

i weighed myself the other day: the scale i think was way off.

september twenty ninth i went to the doctor and they had me at 218.

the scale at work showed like 8 lbs more. probably just the water weight.

but thats why im not weighing myself. im not going to let it dictate how hard i work out. im gonna give it my all every day i go there.

i wont let it dictate my food; i need to make good choices anyway.

a number isnt what you look.

ill tell you that right now.

i dont look 218 lbs.

what matters is how i feel. and if i dont lose weight but i lose inches and i look healthy at even 250 lbs...i need to accept that i am healthy...and i am me.

someone remind me of that when im having a fat day please.