fuck me running...

i have worked out hardcore, at least an hour of cardio 4x a week for about 2 weeks. more than i have in the last ever.

and the scale didnt budge.

i was so distraught that i ate a bit of candy (lets face it...24 years ive waited to be the mom that raids the candy instead of the child who wakes up to the good stuff gone...)

and i maybe had a krispy kreme doughnut..it had sprinkles...and a few cookies.

sometimes i have a childs mentality..."well if youre gonna stay fat im gonna make it worth your while..."

im such an adult.

i want to beat this! this should be easy! come on now!

the world is being a bit cruel to me.

lots of things to get repaired on the car and an insurance debaucle.

i wish i werent so flaky.

and i wish it were easy.

ah well...feet first right?

ugh

man. its been a rough coupla days.

after a few days off cardio, i went back on. kept eating healthy every day (cept one because i had a craving for those tiny deep fried burritos...yum. but despite it all, i still gained 3 lbs?

how?

so i stopped looking. i need to get my water intake back up. i also just got off of miss lady thing. so maybe im bloated?

we are deciding on meal plans and better eating habits. we spent WAYY too much money on food last month outside of grocery shopping. time to tighten the budget and make sure to save some cash.

i ran yesterday! i ran! for 5 minutes. not a full on sprint...but folks. I. Dont. Run.

and i ran!!!!

:] i look like a bear havign a seizure when i run, but i RAN!

:]


talk about success.



heres hoping my work still gets me there.

thigh sighs.

its a hard day today.

ive done about 30 mins of cardio every day for 5 days straight. havent gone to 24 hour fitness recently because of wanting to be at home with j, i have been exercising at work.

last night for some random reason i binged a little lotta bit.

well i tried to not make myself feel guilty.

ive been doing well!

its so hard to keep going because i feel im not losing anything.

people make the statements "oh you've lost weight" but when you see yourself in the mirror every day...you dont notice the small changes.

but im trying to keep my chin up.

30 more minutes of cardio and some lighter weight lifting today.

had a couple hershey kisses today to give me smiles through the tough day at work.

but when i went to sit down earlier...i realized how big my thighs are. they are HUGE. its hard to notice their true girth when im standing. but oh my word. its going to be hard to notice the differences. because lets face it...im no size two.

i gotta admit, im rather embarrassed about how i let myself get here.

its hard to focus on the good things sometimes.

i've lost nearly 80 lbs total since the day i actually had my son, 12.27.2009.

EIGHTY!

by working out and eating better (thank you breastfeeding also!) i lost EIGHTY POUNDS in about 10 months.

when you look at it that way, im really just about 30% from my goal.

but damn.

50 lbs is harder than it looks.

50 lbs is a lot more than it looks.

im not aiming for a size 2. heck im not even aiming for a size 10.

its just difficult.

my heart is hopeful; my brain is just getting down today.

i want comfort snacks.

pirates booty for the win!

im going to post pictures soon.

i feel i should wait until there is more progress.

HOW DO PEOPLE KEEP IT UP?

i'm the lowest weight ive been in about 2 or 3 years i wanna say?

its incredibly hard to not just give up.

but i am GOING to do this.

oh my.

im SO tired.

worked out on lunch (27 mins of cardio and light weights).

worked out at work instead of 24 hour so i could be home with jude tonight instead of the gym. glad i did. he is already asleep.

sleepy sleepy guy.

im right there with him.

im amazing how much not working out at a gym can make you feel unaccomplished.

i used to go months without 30 mins of cardio. here i do 30 mins and i feel like i slacked.

im gonna like feeling this way. :]

J checked out the new Kroc community center and wants me to switch gyms.

i'm unsure. i like my 24 hour. :]

im beat.

but love this new energy!

feelin good.

love my life.

october 16th, 2009.

workout partner was not coming to workout, but i pressed on. i was a bit worried i wouldnt push myself as hard without her there. but i took some music and some motivation.

it all started witht he elliptical again. it has become my friend. i have a really hard time running. (ive tried to eliminate CANT from my vocab, but its the way i really feel about running).

but today i made it further than even yesterday. i covered the time and just went. went until i started to feel the burn and then kept going.

i uncovered the time and saw i was at 34 minutes; this is longer than even yesterdays. but i noticed i was nearly at 300 calories...so that became my new goal: to get to 300 calories burned. then i acheived calories burned and decided...hey im SO close to 40 minutes...lets get to 40...once i hit forty i noticed i was at 2.93 miles...so i pressed on to 3 miles...and stayed until after 40 minutes had passed. i almost didnt want to get off of it. instant gratification on that machine, and after 20 minutes i seem to catch a second wind. but i knew i needed to mix it up a bit.

so i went to the leg machines. pushed a little further and did more, by distracting myself with a magazine.

i headed to the free weights and did a few reps of 12 lbers. then headed to the bike where i spent a few minutes cycling.

i stopped off at the stairmaster...instant;y felt a burn and wasnt feeling renewed enough for the challenge on that one, so i worked my upper body a bit and then rowed.

the rowing machine is crazy.

even my neck hurt. How Does it Do That?

holy cats.

but it was good. i tried to work the remnants or beginnings of my abs. not sure how that turned out.

ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast,

a granola bar for a snack.

a couple pieces of jerky for some protein.

then another bowl of cereal for my lunchish (i woke up late and my schedule was off, but, i knew that i needed the extra energy. fat free milk doesnt do me wrong.

i had another granola bar before going to the gym and topped off my workout with 2 turkey wraps. totalling under 300 calories the protein immediately gave me energy...holy crepes, how will i sleep?

the shower after felt awesome. at some points in the workout i think i felt my muscles actually breaking down.

but i feel awesome. i almost was too exhausted today from a twacky sleep schedule that i nearly didnt go, but its amazing how much energy you GET from expending what little energy you might have.

i know its a long journey, and i think ive decided to not weigh myself for awhile.

it could lead to disheartened feelings and crushed emotions.

i want to keep going. i cant keep giving up.

im now paying for this pain, and also the pride that comes with it.

the gym is a place where you are succeeding if you sweat all over yourself; where you dont matter if you are big and bulky.

it doesnt feel uncomfortable.

ive been there before, but always a bit self conscious, but its just a group of people wanting to be healthy, but at different stages. its nice to watch the tiny butt of a woman whos been working her tail off and knowing i can get that too.

its like a high, an addiction.

but after that shower...my muscles are on fire. THIS part i dont know how i feel about.

i do love the feeling of this though. the inner emotional "i'm actually Doing it" feeling.

i weighed myself the other day: the scale i think was way off.

september twenty ninth i went to the doctor and they had me at 218.

the scale at work showed like 8 lbs more. probably just the water weight.

but thats why im not weighing myself. im not going to let it dictate how hard i work out. im gonna give it my all every day i go there.

i wont let it dictate my food; i need to make good choices anyway.

a number isnt what you look.

ill tell you that right now.

i dont look 218 lbs.

what matters is how i feel. and if i dont lose weight but i lose inches and i look healthy at even 250 lbs...i need to accept that i am healthy...and i am me.

someone remind me of that when im having a fat day please.