motivation.

The Biggest Loser on Hulu AND ON netflix? LOVE IT! now i have ALL THE SEASONS!

so im tryign to be healthier. i want it so badly.

today my love and my son and i went on a 25 or so mijnute walk around the neighborhood to be healthy and then i played with my resistance bands!

i need to keep up with my waters.

water water water.

i need it.

Maya bean needs it.

and my future self needs it.

i feel her rolling around in there, and knowing ive kept her healthy the last 23 weeks is SO rewarding.

at this point knowing she could come and have a chance, even a slim one, of being healthy. but im being responsible with this precious life.

also, on our walk with the boys today, i tried to jog, tried to run...the intense pain and pressure on my pelvic bone was too much.

i wont lie, ive never been a runner, but i can watch TBL every day?! my own history shows that i am much more successful of leading a healthy lifestyle during TBL seasons :]

i can do this.

and you know what...you can too.

after i showed a friend of mine the blog, i got motivated to read back. i was reading feelings i havent touched on in 10-16-18 months even...and it motivated me. i WILL NOT be sad. my life is incredible and my weight does NOT impact my mood that much. im motivcated, im happy. im gonna be successful damnit.

Poutine...

soooo J came to take me to a late night date in portland and told me to prepare to break the diet. we dont have cheat days so i thought it would be okay...

he took me to poutine.

dont know what poutine is?

i wont even tell you.

go google it.

and by the way...it IS possible to have a hangover for your belly. i woke up feelin horrible, meat sweats and all.

sigh.

but its a good feeling. its like i know that my body doesnt like those things that years ago wouild have been AMAZING.

:]

progress!

biggest loser finale

oh man oh man. im so tired of seeing finale after finale.

because i wonder "how do they lose 100 lbs!? ive been working on the same hundred since 12/27/2008!" oh yeah thats right...they exercise all the freakin time.

i really need to be less lazy :]

maybe boxing....

oh yeah, next monday im thinking bowling and batting cages. fun hmmmm?

i need to make it fun. i like having fun. dont you?

by the way, jillian...im going to miss you.

oooh, i think i might do yoga during Bugs nap.

feeling beautiful

went to a game last night with my best friend.

and i bought a slinky new dress that clung to my curves. this picture actually makes me look decievingly small. in reality im not that tiny lol but i am fitter and feeling great.

i felt beautiful and it made me feel amazing.

it always has made me feel good, to dress nicely.

i felt beautiful, sexy.

dont get me wrong, my tights were tight, the dress was a little short, and it rode up and sometimes i felt a little exposed...but its because im getting used to it. this body is relatively new for me.

i have work to go...but i work it in the right clothes and i feel great. :]

holllaaaa

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

RESPECT the PROCESS

it IS a process.

i ate a sensible breakfast, minus the fact i used the whole egg for my egg sammich instead of just the whites.

but i had garlic bread, and a lot of it, with dinner.

but i did drink 64 ounces so far today.

and im on vacation with a sick kid....that has to count for something.

the thing that i wanted to pass along today...was that my hope is that everyone RESPECTS the PROCESS.

respect that you will try and sometimes fail.

respect that some weeks youll lose little.

respect the process to not binge when you have a chance.

respect the process to know you will, ladies, bloat when its your period. dont freak out.

respect the process not to freak.

respect the process to feel a little stab of guilt but not freak out with guilt. you can cheat. its okay.

respect the process and drink your water. im horrible at this. but there is MUCH proof your body needs it.

respect the process by respecting yourself.

youll be a lot happier that way. :)

love you.

Checking in

been doing eh.

what do i mean by that?

ive had a couple times where ive gotten a little crazy and binged a little, not gonna lie because lets face it, who reads this? and wat do i gain by lying to strangers anyway.

i reread the blog a lot, and its almost reassuring that i have my ups and downs because it means there is always an end to a lull i get myself into but also its a little sad that i dont seem to have the willpower to maintain positive progress.

ive met someone.

and i spend a lot of time with him.

he is a wonderful man, and he thinks im beautiful, and i feel beautiful. i love who i am, and how i look.

its nice to feel myself around someone. i feel like a lady. not that i didnt in previous relationships, ive always felt beautiful and believed them when they said it. but i feel comfortable in my own skin as ive grown this past few months since ending my engagement with my sons father.

but i see myself differently. i feel beautiful, flawed, but beautiful.

no makeup, in sweats.

i just feel beautiful.

but ive been eating sensibly. when i go to subway, lets face it, i DO eat there a lot, i can actually put aside my 6 inches thats left and just let it sit until a couple hours later when i will finish it.

:) i have willpower and confidence. my body hasnt changed much since last time i posted, and seeing as how i spend a lot of time with this wonderful man, i havent worked out or gone to the gym to use that free membership which is gonna expire in 2 weeks, or even done my power walk around the waterfront. but im being more sensible. water, lots of it. i picked up a water bottle from WinCo that has a dial for how many bottles ive drank, and i fill it a couple times a day and try to get my water in. aside from a few binging indiscretions i have learned more about my abilities with portion control.

i drink coffee, but cut out the liquid creamers, and though i still do go to dutch brothers a little too much and even opt for the full fat full flavors every once in awhile, im sensible.

i like feeling in control of this. i know if i had just ate my pride and boredom and maintained my strength and consistency i could have lost at least 10 lbs in the last 2 months, but im okay with that. i havent stepped on a scale since my doctors appt on dec 7th, because its not about numbers. its about how i feel.

and i feel sexy, i feel beautiful. i feel flawed but just right, and thats a huge growing piece on my part.

im still a work in progress. i DO still want to lose the full 100 lbs.

it was hard to reread an earlier entry and see that my goal to lose that 100 was supposed to be done by May or June of last year. but my resolution for 2011 has nothing to do with weight.

its to do more for others than i do for myself.

its to be happy in any and all things.

its to love myself and love others with wreckless abandon.

love isnt about acceptance of who you are, its embracing who you are and loving yourself because youre you.

its not saying "im okay with how i look" its saying "im beautiful" without adding a "but" or an "in spite of" at the end of it.

i love myself. im beautiful. with no strings attached and no catches.

:)

im going to be more responsible, but in all things i just need to know its okay no matter how i look.

and you too.

be healthy.

if youre overweight, work on it. but dont be hard on yourself.

biggest loser is back thank goodness. i love when they have seasons back to back because i feel stronger and motivated.

today i have eaten 8 inches of a footlong for lunch and then the other 4 a few hours later and im going to eat a turkey sammich for dinner.

i was tempted to get something sweet like ice cream or cookies, or fulfill my craving for a whole loaf of french bread with butter. i resisted! im living life, and life doesnt revolve around food. food is the energy for life, and it doesnt rule mine. its just for sustenance and not just for enjoyment anymore.

life is good friends.

LOVE it.

fuck me running...

i have worked out hardcore, at least an hour of cardio 4x a week for about 2 weeks. more than i have in the last ever.

and the scale didnt budge.

i was so distraught that i ate a bit of candy (lets face it...24 years ive waited to be the mom that raids the candy instead of the child who wakes up to the good stuff gone...)

and i maybe had a krispy kreme doughnut..it had sprinkles...and a few cookies.

sometimes i have a childs mentality..."well if youre gonna stay fat im gonna make it worth your while..."

im such an adult.

i want to beat this! this should be easy! come on now!

the world is being a bit cruel to me.

lots of things to get repaired on the car and an insurance debaucle.

i wish i werent so flaky.

and i wish it were easy.

ah well...feet first right?

measurements part 2...

something must be wrong with me.

either i have measured wrong and ive lost an inch everywhere...or i havent lost any inches anywhere....im confused.

for now, i wont be sad...im just going to accept my body and work towards my goals.



screw "accepting" it...im going to EMBRACE it!


i lead a blessed life.

just a couple cool websites.

http://www.highproteinfoods.net/
this site talks about exactly what it claims...high protein foods.

according to a book im reading (eat this not that) those who ate high protein diets lost twice as much fat than those eating the same amount of calories as those on a low protein diet.

thats not too shabby. :] by the way

Eat This, Not That is AMAZING.

www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm
for the calorie calculator...tellign you what you need based on your age, sex, exercise level, etc.

caloriecount.about.com
this does what it claims also...counts the calories.

Sparkpeople.com is like the social networking for those who want to or have lost weight already : ]

love all of these.

today is starting off good.
i found myself, forgive me for being blunt, a little backed up. feelign sluggish and heavy.
had some coffee and some water, and am feelign great.

gotta watch those bananas kids, they will back you up if you eat one day even, after a few days you stop with the loss! yet in moderation they are great for you : ]

as i mentioned in the last posts, i gained 2 lbs back. im at 205. im determined to get under 200 by february 14th.
then i will have less than 20 lbs to go to my ultimate goal - 101 lbs lost.
its hard to keep motivation when you just want to stop. for example it was such a hard day mentally yesterday that i have in to about 250 calories in chocolate...sometimes we need to give in to temptation...but thats only sometimes.

im staying strong. ive started the day with black coffee adding some water and fat free creamer and a bowl of rice krisipies with splenda that i shared with my son. again i didnt drink the extra milk (though maybe i should to get more protein)
and im about to go for a workout at the Kroc Center.
bummed there is no swimming, but im going to make the most of it. last chance workout....Biggest Loser on tonight!


oh yes, and im going dress shopping for the game tomorrow night.


gotta be as sexy as i can be : ]


loves all.

have a healthy and happy day, and be thankful for it.

M.

when i get tinier.

im saving my taxes...or some of them...and i have plans for when i am where i wanna be.

im going to buy all new underthings...the nice ones that you WANT people to see : ]

im going to buy leggings...like 5 pair.

im going to buy a sexy rexy new dress. something tighter, suggestive, but classy.

im going to buy a 50s style bathing suit and get dressed for a fun retro photoshoot with a friend.

im going to get a badass new haircut, choppy layers and something to frame the face.

Im going to buy some black skirts and adorable coverall dresses.

im going to get a new tattoo.

im going to get a mani pedi...and take my man out on the town, showing off my babe, my body, my confidence.


its going to be a good day. this mis my motivation...what is yours? what are YOU going to do?

hmmm

today i wasnt bad.

rice krispies for breakfast...didnt drink the milk.

banana and orange for first snack

veggie sub for lunch

banana for second snack

(yesterday i had m&ms i know im a rebel...but i promised myself i wouldnt let myself regret it. my tummy isnt used to it anymore:] good thing!)

had a low calorie tortilla and cheese quesadilla (mozarella is lower calorie than the rest i guess) and some leftover spaghetti we made low cal last night.

i did succumb to a few too many otter pops...i have myself a gnarly gnarly sore throat. it helps. i dont feel bad. 25 calories each. wee high in sugar but the sacrifices we make when we feel icky :]

was a good day.

hoping in 5 weeks im under 200...lets go weight loss!!!

went grocery shopping last night to get supplies to make a low cal crockpot veggie and beef stew. found the recipe on sparkpeople.com.


excited to try my hand at it!

eeesh.

im not going to lie.


i was bad today.

i did very minimal workout. as in some small exercises that did not make up for the graham cracker and chocolate snacking i did.


its so much easier, ive realized, to eat better once your on a streak.

any sparkpeople member would know thats when youve been eating well for days...you dont want to ruin the streak...so saying no is easier.

its not...when youve been bad already.


tomorrow im going to do the workout. #1 of 60.

jillian michaels. you better kick my ass.

i have a lot of it that needs your kicking.


why cant i just say no?

or rather...why do i choose to say yes instead?

lord, give me strength. if i cant say no to bad foods, how strong am i really?

goodness

im not going to use it as a crutch but i hate agnes.
i didnt exercise today.
no, instead i stayed home with a sick bub except for 4 hours of the day i worked.
cereal for breakfast. coffee (half a pot with some creamer sugar free) a chicken breast sub sammich and chicken enchiladas for dindin.

j tries to cook healthy but bless his heart he loves good food. we're working on it. as i try to shed these last 30 lbs for now, j has a goal of 40 ish. he is in a smaller pants size i think. dratted men and their weight loss abilities.

i decided to skip dessert.

now i have a friend in the weight loss business, a colleague if you will, we have agreed to text in temptation. i didnt feel the need tonight. i just skipped dessert. truth be told i half forgot, since we were trying to feed the babe while teaching him to say please more.

i made agreement with the nanny that we will do jillian michaels thirty day shred at least thrice a week.

see i figured it out, i want my goal weight to be reached by the end of may, if i work out a minimum of 3x a week thats 60 workouts. i have seen success and i will reach my goals, and i wont be disappointed if not at the goal point. i think the huge key to success is being happy with any goal, and being happy with any progress achieved. if im seeing the lbs fall off...then i will keep with it...unless i falter like i did in december.

my short term goal, the first of many is to see the 100s again. i havent weighed myself, but im pretending i went back up to 212. thats allowing myself an unseen 6 lbs gained back. im hoping thats not the case. after another steady week or two of good decisions, including all my waters drank for the day, i will weigh myself and post it here. im too scared, and i sent myself up that creek on my own.

having a friend do it, while not working out together or counting calories together will prove successful. people see success in numbers, and seeing a friend do it will help loads.

portions remain a big obstacle. im learning my body wont fall sick if i dont have that second bowl of cereal...and i dont need the milk in it either at the end of the bowl.

i need to ration my creamer, and not go for seconds.

i need to fill the smaller plates, and go back to my soups for lunch or veggie subs and save my calories for snacks and dinner.

i need to be drinking my 94 oz of water a day and compensate for any other beverages such as coffee or rockstars that work as a diuretic.

how easy it all is on paper, or blog as it is. more importantly, i need to remember all the time how happy and gratifying it is to see the weight come off, and realize once i am at my goals, each of them, that i will no longer loathe those skinny girls who work out.

they are not your enemies M, they are your comrades in this battle. they however, are the smart proactive ones, who never let themselves get to my point.

200s you are going to be gone soon., i promise you. its been a long relationship, but its time to cut ties, we'll be friends, but no more. we'll talk on the phone, but this face to face daily relationship has got to stop.


i love you, self. and i respect all you are.


i really do love me. and im proud of me dammit. :]

oh my.

i.hate.having.a.period.

yeah yeah, if you're a guy reading this, get over it. its the elephant in the room. Girls Have Periods. and it sucks...but it guarantees you arent pregnant for another month...and that you are still somewhat of a fertile myrtle.

after having a baby i wont turn my nose up at having a period, for i know what my body is capable of.

but then there are the months, especially when Endo rears her UGLY head, that id rather be in labor. because though it hurts a helluva lot worse...my labor lasted only 27 hours rather than 7 days (or longer...gasp) and they give you the good stuff for the pain, not like my gyno who believes endo wont go away and pain management best be natural. it makes sense the other 3 weeks of the month; you don;t want someone to be addicted to painkillers for a lifelong condition. but then that one week comes up and i want to rip out my uterus and give it to him so he can feel the pain.

ugh.

needless to say, im NOT exercising.
the closest thing i did to good decisions was i ate only ONE bowl of cereal, though my PMS-ey self wanted another. i had a handful of hershey kisses in the throes of the pain. i took a vicodin and then ate some sugarfree jello to settle my stomach followed by cucumbers and pickles as a snack. not too bad of a day. i think im still under 700 calories.

For The Love Of God! (or for the abbreviationally minded...FTLOG!)Para el Amor de Dios! thats definitely not right, but you DONT argue with a woman on the rag. (that, by the way, is a HORRIBLE figure of speech. i dont care the origin its stupid).

im cranky, im bitter, im in PAIN. and im not a peach right now.

my new years resolution is not a resolution. because resolutions are broken. its an agreement.

get some kind of cardio 3x a week until at least May.
supporting a friend of mine will help, as she is working out at work and i should do the same, and making sure im staying true to the Blogger world. (who actually reads this anyway? doesnt matter im pretending i have throngs of fans awaiting to hear my next overweight confession).
now cardio is not just gym work (truth be told i cancelled my 24 hour membership, and once my club privileges run out in march am joining the Kroc Center so i can workout with my baby J.)
but my definition of cardio could be even as simple as mine and A's game of "walk 2 miles in wal mart" during a late night visit.


i have a somewhat desk job.
rarely on my feet unless i need to be...and my whole "i should be clocking in 10,000 steps a day" rarely rings in over 5k.
speaking of which, i should petition for a 5k to be turned into just a race to hit 5000 steps. then id be in a 5k every day : ]

im miserable right now.

appreciate anyone who is out there in the web reading my monthly woes.
send me love and chocolate and let me know if you're reading.
for now. im going to drink the waters (another part of the agreement between 2010 and i) and go cuddle with my sick bebe while the man watches football.

make good decisions and talk to 2010...make an agreement for your wellbeing.

later friends.

im overweight now...wooo!

only time i can joke about that.

i weighted myself last night after about 80 oz of water and a big dinner.

of course, it showed 211. i got discouraged until i remembered, first thing in the morning. and i was right. first thing this mornign before coffee, breakfast oir water i weighed myself.
207-208.
for my height, that makes my BMI 29.8 which is just at the very tip of the OVERWEIGHT category and not the OBESE category.

im working on it. slowly but surely.

just by may, thats all i need. thats 28 lbs in the next 23 weeks.

1.21 lbs per week.

i can do this. i CAN do this!

ugh

man. its been a rough coupla days.

after a few days off cardio, i went back on. kept eating healthy every day (cept one because i had a craving for those tiny deep fried burritos...yum. but despite it all, i still gained 3 lbs?

how?

so i stopped looking. i need to get my water intake back up. i also just got off of miss lady thing. so maybe im bloated?

we are deciding on meal plans and better eating habits. we spent WAYY too much money on food last month outside of grocery shopping. time to tighten the budget and make sure to save some cash.

i ran yesterday! i ran! for 5 minutes. not a full on sprint...but folks. I. Dont. Run.

and i ran!!!!

:] i look like a bear havign a seizure when i run, but i RAN!

:]


talk about success.



heres hoping my work still gets me there.