The Wall

This post is very scary for me to write, simply because im terrified ill have to eat my own words later. but it needs to be written, a reminder in the future of where Im at now.

I hit my wall. that wall where everything ive wanted but made excuses for really just ran over me.


for days, weeks, months, years ive been making excuses for not going creazy over this health journey.
I didnt eat organic and clean because "it's too expensive".
I didnt work out because "I dont have time, I just CANT run, I dont have the money for a gym membership, I bet if I eat healthy Ill lose the weight."


I looked for the way to lose weight without the work and made excuses for when my body didnt comply.

"I plateaued! I dont know what happened!" (what happened? I didnt work HARD ENOUGH.)

"I weaned, and I gained a lot of weight back." (this is true, but its because nursing was burning about 500 calories a day, so when i weaned and didnt burn those 500 calories elsewhere, i gained 3500 extra calories in a week if i ate the exact same amount.)

"Ive been eating healthy and I just am not losing weight. I dont get it." (I get it now, I NEED exercise.)

Its hard to admit when im wrong, as it is for most im sure.

But i hit the wall. the wall that says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH."

Ive hit a smaller version of this wall before; defeated in dressing room stalls crying over ill fitting clothes i would get this determination that would last a week only to wane. When I stepped on the scale and saw a gain, Id hit a tiny wall and say "im done!" when I would look at pictures taken of me, without my keen eye for specific thinning angles, i would say "no more!" but those walls were so tiny, and my love for life and doing things outside of working out prevailed. but there comes a time in many peoples lives when you hit THE WALL.
this wall is where you look at yourself, call your own bluff and say "Its Time." you change your eating habits, you buck up and get it done.

Now I will say last year I hit an only slightly smaller wall. I had this tiny precious baby girl who needed a role model. needed an example of what a healthy, happy and beautiful woman looked like. and that was all on me! J and I worked out and consistently and i lost 82 lbs. Somewhere along the time, im guessing in the winter when I couldnt bike ride as much, I lost the momentum and fell into other habits. Add in hormonal fluctuations from nursing, and then the somewhat of a depression i fell into over the weight gain and the weaning this May at 15 months (nursing is a mess of hormones, albeit the most wonderful thing, and when you wean, especially before youre ready it can cause a jumble of emotional highs and lows. next baby I know so much more now, and will be able to accomplish all of my nursing goals).

But this time, its a more powerful, all encompassing wall. My baby girl is getting older, appreciating and embracing a love of food, and she needs to see these things early on. my boy is 4, and at an age where i can teach him why exercise is good. he values time with his learning toys, and playing inside (ive never been much of an outdoorsy girl either so i can appreciate it) and i need to instill in him healthy habits and also show him what a hardworking woman looks like. He needs to see dedication, determination and following through.

So i buckled down and got a gym membership.
Theres a gym in town that offers a really cheap monthly rate (20$ a month) and allows for 1 guest every time you work out. they dont offer things like concessions/juice bar or child care, its just a big room with motivational quotes and workout equipment. no swimming pool, no sauna, no basketball courts. just treadmills, ellipticals, free weights and weight machines, stair masters and stair glider climber devil things. there are stationary bikes and different areas you can go for abs and for circuit training. its just simple. and i knew that if i was going to do it, it HAD to be simple. it HAD to be something I could do WITH someone. SO i recruited a few of my friends to go with me, and have a list and a backup list. A couple people have chosen not to come, and thats fine. they didnt hit a wall, I did. this is MY wall.

But i have worked out. 8 days in a row. I intended on only 3 days a week, maybe 4 or 5. but no, ive gone 8. I feel good there. I have refrained from showing too much excitement for this newfound energy and excitement, because to be honest im scared ill fail myself again. that ill make excuses. that ill be on a high for a week or 3 weeks and then make excuses. even though im making progress and am paying fora membership for a year.

Also, ive set different goals. After watchign Chris Powell on Extreme Weight Loss, specifically an episode with a gal named Jami, I decided to say "SCREW THE SCALE." and not weigh in for at least a month. on that episode Chris fixed Jami up with fitness goals, not weight goals. and she worked hard, pushing her mile time, pushing her weight lifting limits, running faster and farther, and jumping higher and going longer.

so i decided i would too. If i am brutally honest with myself I will admit i am one to say "I cant run. I dont run." when in all honesty, I just HATE it and am not conditioned for it. so ive started it. its my "get me in line" workout. i HATE IT. but i want to see what this body can do. it gave me 2 beautiful babies. it grew them, delivered them, recovered from them. there is no reason it cant run for longer than 30 seconds simply because it makes me breathe harder and it doesnt feel great.

after just 8 days I can PROUDLY tell you I jogged for 22 minutes straight yesterday. TWENTY TWO. I can tell you with certainty I have never run longer than maybe 5 minutes before hand. I just kept myself going by reminding myself that my body was NOT giving out. I WASNT getting Dizzy or lightheaded. my legfs were FINE they were just being WORKED. I wasnt dying, i was living. Have you ever said that during a rough workout? "I feel like im dying". its melodramatic for sure. and its false. we are LIVING when we do these healthy things.


additionally, after that long jog (which ended up being 26 minutes out of 33 being jogged) I got onto a stationary bike and rode for 13.72 miles, the equivalent of a half marathon. Im really thinking a small inner goal of mine will be to do a "gym marathon" where i bust out over 26.2 miles on different equipment. Ive gotten to about 16 so far in a day so thats a start!

Im also setting a couple other attainable goals.
100 workouts. I need to get to 100. if i work out 100 times in the next i dunno 6 months or so, Ill be in good shape. even if i get there and only do 20 minutes, its still going.
another goal? Id like to actually get the body ive been talking about. not at 185 either. because lets be honest, ive made excuses for holding myself back "i could NEVER be 150." I COULD if i wanted to and worked hard enough. instead, im setting no weight goals. I think im just going to get this body healthy.

My husband has been WONDERFUL in letting me out every day. i remind him "i know im sacrificing hours in our weeks together but im trading them in for more years in our days."
its hard, but im hopeful.
I am scared ill peter out, but Im working towards a goal.
and im not going to let it slip away without a fight.

WHen yuou hit YOUR wall, let me know. I want to hear your stories, and trake your burdens. even if you dont find this for YEARS down the road. show me your wall.

be healthy and well!

For you, Miss Kathy.

sigh, i wish that i could say this post will be 100% positive. but it starts from a real dark place.

a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.

but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.

FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.

nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.

ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.

but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.

so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.

im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.

this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.

additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.

for you miss Kathy.

im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.

bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.

thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.


much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.


RachelMay.

today

cereal for breakfast with soy milk that i didnt drink.

a fiber one bar. yummmm.

too many handfuls of jelly beans. (i know i know.)

dinner was subway, chicken breast on wheat no cheese lots of veggies.

a few more unneeded jellybeans. (i KNOW i KNOW.)

i was still hungry so i ate a canteloupe. YUM.

we went shopping today. healthy choices (save for Js peanut butter cups, that i cant eat anyway because of no dairy...so im off the hook).

i tried to make easter a candy free one. little js basket was candy free from us, but was spoiled by grandparents. sigh. now its here everywhere! tomorrow he gets a couple more pieces, and then its getting tossed!

anyhow. i forgot to submit this. so it was still open. youll be pleased to know i tossed most of the candy. i did have a slight issue today. upong hearing bad news about my daughter at the doctor (more on that later) i was in a HURRY to grab food for the company we had and pick up my husband. so i bought burger king. DAMMIT!

yeah i made a bad choice.

but being pissed wont change it. only changhing tomorrow will help.

be accountable.

be strong.

be happy.

be loved.

Barf.

okay.

so im not seeing progress.

for some reason i keep thinkign the weight should FALL off simply because my baby is 2 months old.

NO.

its been 8 weeks since i had a baby. i PUSHED a HUMAN from my PERSONS.

come on M!

thats a HUGE thing! my body has been through that trauma TWICE. and while its natural...it takes some adjusting.

ive still not quite mastered breastfeeding.

im still adjusting to a sleep schedule.

im tired.

and ill be blunt, im still bleeding from the recovery period, which MUST mean my body is NOT DONE RECOVERING.

give yourself a break woman!!!!

these pics were taken April 5th.

here are some from last night: April 9th.

youre beautiful if you think you are.

please. think you are, people!

thats all. i need to rest!

ciao for niao!

blarga blarga blarga.

im not happy wth how things are going really.

ill update with pictures later but im disheartened.

i had an appt today and i got weighed.

28 lbs is gone. i know thats great. 28lbs 7 weeks. thats 4 lbs a week average. but lets face it...most of it came off in the first few weeks because i POPPED OUT A BABY. so its not steady. im grateful its gone. but my body is not changing.

i keep trying to tell myself GIVE IT the 44 weeks you planned.

but i WANT IT GONE. :(

additionally i wont go into detail, but i had some issues and basically they stem from taking on too much so far.

my body isnt ready.

mannnnn.

im trying.

180.

thats 80 lbs away.

it feels SO FAR.

RAWR.

i know i know.

drink your waters. (havent been so good about that.)

dont give in to sad eating (i did today and i regret it).

and WAIT. be PATIENT. (im not).

it WILL be gone.

it IS coming off.

just WORK, WAIT, and RELaX.

khljaknmsdjkvbnalskdjfn.

okay. im done for now.

eeeesh!

okay so its been awhile. sue me, im pregnant.

no joke ive been eating pretty healthily. i have no desire for ice cream or chocolate, and have only had sweets like that maybe a handful of times in this pregnancy. ive craved salads and tomatoes yet still ive gained more than my share. i truly believe, without any excuses, that this is how my body reacts to pregnancy. i will also admit that i have not exercised much. with back pain and nausea and now a holy moly head cold, it sucks balls to do anything exercisey.

but im keeping my mind on the goal...growing a healthy baby. after that the plan is establish a good milk supply, and after i know ill have milk to nurse with, then i will be working towards losing the weight.

i have a lot of plans in place and accountability...ive joined a weight loss board online to mingle with people on their journeys so that i can keep my eye on the goal for the next 6 months, and ive got buy in from Jamie to work out with me and really get dedicated. since ill have put on a majority of the weight in the 10 months of pregnancy and the 3 months before that when i emotionally ate, im going to work my butt off and keep a realistic goal. if it took 13 months to put it on...i should expect it to take that long to remove it. of course though, i will be working out as if it wont take that long ;]

also ive got my sister on board, though we live miles and miles apart, a whole state even, i love how excited she is to do this with me! she even said that she would start now and work on this until i could.

jamie and i agreed to take Before photos the day we officially start. ill take one a week after i have the baby (to allow for reduction of swelling) and then another 4 weeks later when we start really getting on it as my official before picture, and then one a month until i reach either 175lbs or a size 10-12 whichever comes first. i know where i look good, im not focusing on a number specifically but that range is where i feel best. i like curves and meat on my bones.

and to whoever created the BMI calculator that says my ass should be 145lbs at 5'9" screw.you.

im beautiful and healthy heavier than that. and i love me :]

ill keep posting my foods and holding myself accountable over the next 18 weeks of pregnancy.

fo now imma go back to watching episodes of biggest loser (miss you jillian!) and making plans and healthy choices for me and my baby :]

chow fo now.

Poutine...

soooo J came to take me to a late night date in portland and told me to prepare to break the diet. we dont have cheat days so i thought it would be okay...

he took me to poutine.

dont know what poutine is?

i wont even tell you.

go google it.

and by the way...it IS possible to have a hangover for your belly. i woke up feelin horrible, meat sweats and all.

sigh.

but its a good feeling. its like i know that my body doesnt like those things that years ago wouild have been AMAZING.

:]

progress!

feeling beautiful

went to a game last night with my best friend.

and i bought a slinky new dress that clung to my curves. this picture actually makes me look decievingly small. in reality im not that tiny lol but i am fitter and feeling great.

i felt beautiful and it made me feel amazing.

it always has made me feel good, to dress nicely.

i felt beautiful, sexy.

dont get me wrong, my tights were tight, the dress was a little short, and it rode up and sometimes i felt a little exposed...but its because im getting used to it. this body is relatively new for me.

i have work to go...but i work it in the right clothes and i feel great. :]

holllaaaa

yes.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1whZxv/ransom.sytes.org/%253Fr%253DbmV2ZXIgZG91YnQgZm9yIGEgc2Vjb25kIGhvdyB0cnVseSBiZWF1dGlmdWwgeW91IGFyZSrL3Yc

Pneumonia pffffft

to celebrate a friends birthday...even if i couldnt be there.

i got all dolled up and put on makeup...and then hacked my brains out.

on a weight loss or lack thereof related note...

turkey chili for dinner

quesadillas for lunch

oatmeal and EW omelette for breakfast

i think i did all right.

should likely consume more water.

Happy Birthday Lady J!

Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

day 2...98 days left...jkjk 28 days left

of some basic strength being worked into my day.

just making simple changes....incorporating Plank, Pushups, Squats and stretches to feel a change in my flexibility and work on the ab muscles that i used to work on with my old PT.

gonna workmy way up again to doing more!

gonna do some simple changes for 100 days and see to it that i maintain upward movements.

but in the interest of me sucking at keeping the energy up. i think im gonna change it to 30 days : ] easier time frame? maybe. its like reverse psychology.

what an amazing and incredible feat...

to be at the point, where even before im done losing all the weight i want to lose....

i can say out loud "i feel beautiful" because i truly do. instead of saying it just to be "confident" when inside i cried.

i sure love being me.

this whole thing is transformation.

seriously.

im still about 205 maybe more with recent binging.

and toggling between size 14 and 16.

not much has changed.

but i can say i feel and i am beautiful.

how cool how just growing emotionally and mentally can do wonders on what you think you look like.

: ]

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

reached out today

to a friend...for some advice.

he also has lost about 80 lbs...

and i was getting a little discouraged.

heres how it played out....im posting this only because i had a temporary weakness...and i needed someone who understood. thats why you guys peruse my silly blog anyway right?

anyway. i like showing weakness...i think it shows strength.

Me:

Losing motivation. Fallen off the wagon a bit the last 3 weeks. And just wanna get these last 25 lbs gone. Its taken so long and it should have been gone already. How do I push through this ridiculous plateau of both mind and body? :( not that 80lbs isn't good enough, but I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the whole damn thing. Ever feel that way?

Him:

Felt that way nearly every day. Its hard when we wired ourselves a certain way for so long to completely change who we are. Try changing something up with your workout and food so its somewhat new. Not easier or harder, just different. But to be frank that you reached out and asked shows you your determination is already there. Run harder walk farther keep pushing. You can do it. Realize how long it took to gain the weight and how fast comparatively you've lost it. The difference is probably years.

its important to have someone something tangible to show that its possible.

because it is.

be beautiful.

be you.

be love.

talk soon interwebs.

RESPECT the PROCESS

it IS a process.

i ate a sensible breakfast, minus the fact i used the whole egg for my egg sammich instead of just the whites.

but i had garlic bread, and a lot of it, with dinner.

but i did drink 64 ounces so far today.

and im on vacation with a sick kid....that has to count for something.

the thing that i wanted to pass along today...was that my hope is that everyone RESPECTS the PROCESS.

respect that you will try and sometimes fail.

respect that some weeks youll lose little.

respect the process to not binge when you have a chance.

respect the process to know you will, ladies, bloat when its your period. dont freak out.

respect the process not to freak.

respect the process to feel a little stab of guilt but not freak out with guilt. you can cheat. its okay.

respect the process and drink your water. im horrible at this. but there is MUCH proof your body needs it.

respect the process by respecting yourself.

youll be a lot happier that way. :)

love you.

Honesty...

im going to be honest. i havent been good.

been craving sweets, and given in to them.

im not sad about it.

i can tell you that im averaging around 203 right now, still in my plateau, even when i cave into the temptations. i dont gain much, or lose much. but today im probably packing on at least 5 lbs in water weight.

the pictures below show it all. this isnt my normal stomach anymore. this is concentrated bloat. not from "Aunt Agnus" that i can tell. i feel like i look moderately pregnant from the side. Im NOT fyi :)

it goes to show that the caving in is not the problem. cheating or giving in to temptation will not cause crazy weight gain if done every once in awhile, but your body may have an adverse reaction...also if you havent drank much water in the recent days. i just had about 32 ounces of water, likely more than i had drank in the last 2 days combined. THIS is why its important. because if your external body has such a drastic effect from not having much water, what is happening on the inside?

bodies are beautiful. i feel good. i know i havent progressed much, and i have fallen off the wagon. but still, im me. and ive maintained this "i feel beautiful" outlook, and plan on doing so.

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.

Checking in

been doing eh.

what do i mean by that?

ive had a couple times where ive gotten a little crazy and binged a little, not gonna lie because lets face it, who reads this? and wat do i gain by lying to strangers anyway.

i reread the blog a lot, and its almost reassuring that i have my ups and downs because it means there is always an end to a lull i get myself into but also its a little sad that i dont seem to have the willpower to maintain positive progress.

ive met someone.

and i spend a lot of time with him.

he is a wonderful man, and he thinks im beautiful, and i feel beautiful. i love who i am, and how i look.

its nice to feel myself around someone. i feel like a lady. not that i didnt in previous relationships, ive always felt beautiful and believed them when they said it. but i feel comfortable in my own skin as ive grown this past few months since ending my engagement with my sons father.

but i see myself differently. i feel beautiful, flawed, but beautiful.

no makeup, in sweats.

i just feel beautiful.

but ive been eating sensibly. when i go to subway, lets face it, i DO eat there a lot, i can actually put aside my 6 inches thats left and just let it sit until a couple hours later when i will finish it.

:) i have willpower and confidence. my body hasnt changed much since last time i posted, and seeing as how i spend a lot of time with this wonderful man, i havent worked out or gone to the gym to use that free membership which is gonna expire in 2 weeks, or even done my power walk around the waterfront. but im being more sensible. water, lots of it. i picked up a water bottle from WinCo that has a dial for how many bottles ive drank, and i fill it a couple times a day and try to get my water in. aside from a few binging indiscretions i have learned more about my abilities with portion control.

i drink coffee, but cut out the liquid creamers, and though i still do go to dutch brothers a little too much and even opt for the full fat full flavors every once in awhile, im sensible.

i like feeling in control of this. i know if i had just ate my pride and boredom and maintained my strength and consistency i could have lost at least 10 lbs in the last 2 months, but im okay with that. i havent stepped on a scale since my doctors appt on dec 7th, because its not about numbers. its about how i feel.

and i feel sexy, i feel beautiful. i feel flawed but just right, and thats a huge growing piece on my part.

im still a work in progress. i DO still want to lose the full 100 lbs.

it was hard to reread an earlier entry and see that my goal to lose that 100 was supposed to be done by May or June of last year. but my resolution for 2011 has nothing to do with weight.

its to do more for others than i do for myself.

its to be happy in any and all things.

its to love myself and love others with wreckless abandon.

love isnt about acceptance of who you are, its embracing who you are and loving yourself because youre you.

its not saying "im okay with how i look" its saying "im beautiful" without adding a "but" or an "in spite of" at the end of it.

i love myself. im beautiful. with no strings attached and no catches.

:)

im going to be more responsible, but in all things i just need to know its okay no matter how i look.

and you too.

be healthy.

if youre overweight, work on it. but dont be hard on yourself.

biggest loser is back thank goodness. i love when they have seasons back to back because i feel stronger and motivated.

today i have eaten 8 inches of a footlong for lunch and then the other 4 a few hours later and im going to eat a turkey sammich for dinner.

i was tempted to get something sweet like ice cream or cookies, or fulfill my craving for a whole loaf of french bread with butter. i resisted! im living life, and life doesnt revolve around food. food is the energy for life, and it doesnt rule mine. its just for sustenance and not just for enjoyment anymore.

life is good friends.

LOVE it.

26.2 in 26.2

Friday Dec 10th: 3.0

Sat Dec 11th: 2.5

Wednesday Dec 15th: 3.5

Thursday: Dec 16th: 3.5

Friday Dec 17: 1.5

total: 14 miles. 1 week.

total remaining: 12.2 miles with 19 days remaining.

what have i been listening to during my workouts?

Adam Lambert "whattaya want from me"

Hanson "Wasting Time"

Hanson "My Own Sweet Time"

The Script "Break Even"

Lifehouse "Whatever It Takes"

OutKast "Hey Ya"

Matisyahu "One Day"

: )

feeling good. getting lots of water in by holding someone else accountable for the same thing.

long night of debauchery and sinning had me up til 630 and up again at 830 for the day. so i cheated with a sugar free rockstar and a nonfat annihilator. but im allowing it. :)

lets goooooooooooooooooooo.