For you, Miss Kathy.

sigh, i wish that i could say this post will be 100% positive. but it starts from a real dark place.

a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.

but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.

FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.

nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.

ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.

but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.

so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.

im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.

this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.

additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.

for you miss Kathy.

im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.

bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.

thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.


much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.


RachelMay.

blarga blarga blarga.

im not happy wth how things are going really.

ill update with pictures later but im disheartened.

i had an appt today and i got weighed.

28 lbs is gone. i know thats great. 28lbs 7 weeks. thats 4 lbs a week average. but lets face it...most of it came off in the first few weeks because i POPPED OUT A BABY. so its not steady. im grateful its gone. but my body is not changing.

i keep trying to tell myself GIVE IT the 44 weeks you planned.

but i WANT IT GONE. :(

additionally i wont go into detail, but i had some issues and basically they stem from taking on too much so far.

my body isnt ready.

mannnnn.

im trying.

180.

thats 80 lbs away.

it feels SO FAR.

RAWR.

i know i know.

drink your waters. (havent been so good about that.)

dont give in to sad eating (i did today and i regret it).

and WAIT. be PATIENT. (im not).

it WILL be gone.

it IS coming off.

just WORK, WAIT, and RELaX.

khljaknmsdjkvbnalskdjfn.

okay. im done for now.

one of those days.

i put on a shirt today.

i do every day. but i never look in the mirror.

today i put on a shirt AND looked in the mirror.

it was a maternity shirt, so it flowed under the breasts and gave ample room for the breasts.

im swollen up top from the breastfeeding issues we are having, and i needed a roomy shirt.

i walked past the mirror and glanced in. i really couldnt stop the tears in my eyes.

how something so beautiful could exit my body and leave nothing but insecurities and jelly around, i dont know. im wiggly, joggly and basically feeling horrible.

i know these things take time, and i know it didnt come on overnight and my goals are reasonable. but it doesnt stop me from being PISSED that im wearing maternity pants, and still fitting only into hanes t shirts, MENS mind you, in a XL and 2x. im just feeling defeated. it happens frequently but my mind is able to tell the insecurities to Eff Off and give me space and time to work with. today it just overpowered me.

here is almost 5 weeks postpartum.

the only reason im posting is because ive already cried my fair share, and hopefully ill be able to come back from this and say "see, told you it wouldnt last forever."

and yes my friends, this last one is what a mother of two looks like who doesnt sleep through the night, has a colicky crying baby who is likely allergic to milk protein, has swollen sore and blistered boobs and crazy hair and who is forcing a smile though is feeling pretty bummed.

its just one of those days., itll get better. i know it.

it just helps to bitch in its entirety.

p.s. this whole "going dairy free to see if baby is allergic" while WORTH IT for my daughter really is biting my butt. it seems there are very few breakfasts you can enjoy without milk, and forget about pb&j or birthday cake....theres just no having it!

its been having me eating lots of granola, oatmeal and sandwiches which is nice. but seriously.

hoping this has pleasant side effects.

jfksadjksjfnalkjsfnlakujhenfkls,n!!

okay. im done. for now. :)

nearly 4 weeks.

i have not weighed myself since i was weighed at the doctor a couple weeks ago and i was 269.

i believe i had mentioned that was about 20 lbs down.

i feel like ive made further progress.

i did put myself in a pair of jeans that didnt have elastic in the waistband :)

they were a size 18 (barf) and my stomach is definitely shaped differently than it was prior to baby number 2. but im okay with it. i have no desire to weigh myself yet. 4 weeks may seem like a long time, but in terms of healing from having a baby? heck no! your body spends 40 weeks GROWING the baby, why shouldnt i allow more than 4 to recover? the paijn has basically subsided, im just trying to find balance and energy. trying to breastfeed and find sleep and balance two children. its not hard, just different, and intentionally trying to lose weight while trying to maintain and grow a milk supply is not feasible. im going to be smart about my foods (no fast food in the last 4 weeks!) drink my water (liquids are more important than ever now). ill worry about trying to get in more exercise and counting calories when im not trying to grow a thriving supply of food for my baby with my body :) in a couple weeks it should level out, and i plan on incorporating walking into my routine to jumpstart things and get back into it.

just some thoughts about the whole weight loss thing. im excited to see it happen eventually to be real honest. yesterday i went out in the blustery oregon weather and grabbed an old sweater i wore about 16 months ago. it was a Medium. yeah, can you say "fat girl in a little coat?" :) noooo i dont consider myself fat, but it wouldnt even close enough to try to zip it. it will be nice to wear it comfortably again! also, i had to have J put all my "skinny" clothes in the garage for now since there is no room in our house for them.

i WILL bust those out sooner than later.

Weight you WILL NOT DEFEAT ME :)