this is getting old...lets try something new....

im not a fan of this whole ordeal.

i weighed myself today.

either my last weigh in of 28#s lost was wrong, and it was actually only 18#s lost...or ive gained 10 lbs. i really want to believe that it was the former. but really is either of them a positive story? regardless the reason, i have 90 lbs to lose to my real goal.
i just feel defeated sometimes.
im 270 lbs.
EW!!!!!

i NURSE EXCLUSIVELY!!! I CUT OUT ALL DAIRY!!!
 i should be getting some help with this shit man!
im concerned my post partum thyroiditis has returned. im also concerned it hasnt.

J bought me the biggest loser game. ill be starting it on a day that ISNT 80 degrees out. (hey oregon. i LOVE the rain!)
i also made a good choice tonight.
i had a sammich (no cheese) and a banana for dinner.


the most disgusting part would have to be the walking.yesterday we went on a walk to the fire station for a birthday party. i carried Ms carseat the whole way, so i was walking with about 15lbs in my arms, and wearing flip flops. not a good choice. but today, my legs HURT.
i feel lame that my legs hurt.
short stupid walk.
stupid legs.

GET IN SHAPE!
without me trying hard dammit.
yeah its irrational. but what do you expect?
ive already fought this fight once. i hate that i have to start over.

but you know what? i have the CUTEST excuse for starting over again.


i love my maya narae.

i ate chocolate.

i shared some of a pb and chocolate bunny with my son.

it tasted horrible and i felt horrible (physically not emo or anything).

i dont plan on doing anything like that again.

what a great feelign that ive been eating so well my body doesnt like crap :)

also...new rule...

NO TWO.

no 2 of anything on my plate, no 2 burgers or hot dogs or garlic breads or sodas or treats. no seconds unless im truly hungry.

One.

i remember the truly simple days of raw food eating. i cant do that now by any means since im trying to hold on to any supply at all (trying to increase it in fact and im losing steam!). but i felt so REFRESHED. mentally clear. healthy. and just so clean and pure.

i miss that! i know it didnt provide enough to healthily feed myself and the mammaries...so i choose my daughter first and then ill get back on the raw lifestyle later.

anyhow. just updating.

be free and be healthy friends.

today

cereal for breakfast with soy milk that i didnt drink.

a fiber one bar. yummmm.

too many handfuls of jelly beans. (i know i know.)

dinner was subway, chicken breast on wheat no cheese lots of veggies.

a few more unneeded jellybeans. (i KNOW i KNOW.)

i was still hungry so i ate a canteloupe. YUM.

we went shopping today. healthy choices (save for Js peanut butter cups, that i cant eat anyway because of no dairy...so im off the hook).

i tried to make easter a candy free one. little js basket was candy free from us, but was spoiled by grandparents. sigh. now its here everywhere! tomorrow he gets a couple more pieces, and then its getting tossed!

anyhow. i forgot to submit this. so it was still open. youll be pleased to know i tossed most of the candy. i did have a slight issue today. upong hearing bad news about my daughter at the doctor (more on that later) i was in a HURRY to grab food for the company we had and pick up my husband. so i bought burger king. DAMMIT!

yeah i made a bad choice.

but being pissed wont change it. only changhing tomorrow will help.

be accountable.

be strong.

be happy.

be loved.

blarga blarga blarga.

im not happy wth how things are going really.

ill update with pictures later but im disheartened.

i had an appt today and i got weighed.

28 lbs is gone. i know thats great. 28lbs 7 weeks. thats 4 lbs a week average. but lets face it...most of it came off in the first few weeks because i POPPED OUT A BABY. so its not steady. im grateful its gone. but my body is not changing.

i keep trying to tell myself GIVE IT the 44 weeks you planned.

but i WANT IT GONE. :(

additionally i wont go into detail, but i had some issues and basically they stem from taking on too much so far.

my body isnt ready.

mannnnn.

im trying.

180.

thats 80 lbs away.

it feels SO FAR.

RAWR.

i know i know.

drink your waters. (havent been so good about that.)

dont give in to sad eating (i did today and i regret it).

and WAIT. be PATIENT. (im not).

it WILL be gone.

it IS coming off.

just WORK, WAIT, and RELaX.

khljaknmsdjkvbnalskdjfn.

okay. im done for now.

one of those days.

i put on a shirt today.

i do every day. but i never look in the mirror.

today i put on a shirt AND looked in the mirror.

it was a maternity shirt, so it flowed under the breasts and gave ample room for the breasts.

im swollen up top from the breastfeeding issues we are having, and i needed a roomy shirt.

i walked past the mirror and glanced in. i really couldnt stop the tears in my eyes.

how something so beautiful could exit my body and leave nothing but insecurities and jelly around, i dont know. im wiggly, joggly and basically feeling horrible.

i know these things take time, and i know it didnt come on overnight and my goals are reasonable. but it doesnt stop me from being PISSED that im wearing maternity pants, and still fitting only into hanes t shirts, MENS mind you, in a XL and 2x. im just feeling defeated. it happens frequently but my mind is able to tell the insecurities to Eff Off and give me space and time to work with. today it just overpowered me.

here is almost 5 weeks postpartum.

the only reason im posting is because ive already cried my fair share, and hopefully ill be able to come back from this and say "see, told you it wouldnt last forever."

and yes my friends, this last one is what a mother of two looks like who doesnt sleep through the night, has a colicky crying baby who is likely allergic to milk protein, has swollen sore and blistered boobs and crazy hair and who is forcing a smile though is feeling pretty bummed.

its just one of those days., itll get better. i know it.

it just helps to bitch in its entirety.

p.s. this whole "going dairy free to see if baby is allergic" while WORTH IT for my daughter really is biting my butt. it seems there are very few breakfasts you can enjoy without milk, and forget about pb&j or birthday cake....theres just no having it!

its been having me eating lots of granola, oatmeal and sandwiches which is nice. but seriously.

hoping this has pleasant side effects.

jfksadjksjfnalkjsfnlakujhenfkls,n!!

okay. im done. for now. :)

A New Way #1: the first MONTH postpartum

instead of weighing in, and seeing numbers change (or worse...not change) but still looking in the mirror and feeling fat panda, i am thinking of trying a new approach....NO weigh ins. (whats helpful is i have to go out of my way to weigh myself since i refuse to own a scale and havent had one since this blog began.)

im contemplating that since im looking for the weight loss to happen gradually, over the next 42 weeks (the goal was 86 lbs in 46 weeks because i figured it took 40 weeks to pile on the weight so it should also to lose it, and 6 weeks of postpartum recovery), i should just do something like pictures. just like pregnancy baby bump photos. its funny how we are so willing to show every week our bellies getting rounder as pregnancy progresses but not during the weight loss process itself!

(why cameras are more forgiving to pregnant ladies, i do not know.)

i might give in and step on a scale...or get weighed at the doctor...but i want my real success to be in what i see when i look in a mirror.

ill still have a goal weight, right now 180 is the goal still.

first goal being 194 so i can beat that damn 195 curse ive had on myself for so long.

but i also want to SEE it. because even when i looked thinner...i saw fatter.

and i dont want that. i always want to be real with myself.

so here goes nothing....

im glad im choosing to do this....because as i sorted through photos to choose the ones to upload i started thinking "i dont see a difference." and i do NOT want to let myself get in that train of thought! my body is changing, in its own way, naturally. and im not screwing with nature :)

im still not exercising since im not cleared by the doctor. this is regular, but conscious eating. and breastfeeding.

this is 10 days postpartum

this is mah face 10 days pp.

this is 14 days postpartum.

so is this one:

here are some randoms from the first 2 weeks after delivering a babe...

this is 29 days post partum.

such a weird shape, my belly. its very...squishy. i know from experience it goes away...but at the same time..its super weird to look at and touch it.

im gonna go burn some calories playing the kinect with J.

update in a week or so with more pictures!