Barf.

okay.

so im not seeing progress.

for some reason i keep thinkign the weight should FALL off simply because my baby is 2 months old.

NO.

its been 8 weeks since i had a baby. i PUSHED a HUMAN from my PERSONS.

come on M!

thats a HUGE thing! my body has been through that trauma TWICE. and while its natural...it takes some adjusting.

ive still not quite mastered breastfeeding.

im still adjusting to a sleep schedule.

im tired.

and ill be blunt, im still bleeding from the recovery period, which MUST mean my body is NOT DONE RECOVERING.

give yourself a break woman!!!!

these pics were taken April 5th.

here are some from last night: April 9th.

youre beautiful if you think you are.

please. think you are, people!

thats all. i need to rest!

ciao for niao!

motivation.

The Biggest Loser on Hulu AND ON netflix? LOVE IT! now i have ALL THE SEASONS!

so im tryign to be healthier. i want it so badly.

today my love and my son and i went on a 25 or so mijnute walk around the neighborhood to be healthy and then i played with my resistance bands!

i need to keep up with my waters.

water water water.

i need it.

Maya bean needs it.

and my future self needs it.

i feel her rolling around in there, and knowing ive kept her healthy the last 23 weeks is SO rewarding.

at this point knowing she could come and have a chance, even a slim one, of being healthy. but im being responsible with this precious life.

also, on our walk with the boys today, i tried to jog, tried to run...the intense pain and pressure on my pelvic bone was too much.

i wont lie, ive never been a runner, but i can watch TBL every day?! my own history shows that i am much more successful of leading a healthy lifestyle during TBL seasons :]

i can do this.

and you know what...you can too.

after i showed a friend of mine the blog, i got motivated to read back. i was reading feelings i havent touched on in 10-16-18 months even...and it motivated me. i WILL NOT be sad. my life is incredible and my weight does NOT impact my mood that much. im motivcated, im happy. im gonna be successful damnit.

eeeesh!

okay so its been awhile. sue me, im pregnant.

no joke ive been eating pretty healthily. i have no desire for ice cream or chocolate, and have only had sweets like that maybe a handful of times in this pregnancy. ive craved salads and tomatoes yet still ive gained more than my share. i truly believe, without any excuses, that this is how my body reacts to pregnancy. i will also admit that i have not exercised much. with back pain and nausea and now a holy moly head cold, it sucks balls to do anything exercisey.

but im keeping my mind on the goal...growing a healthy baby. after that the plan is establish a good milk supply, and after i know ill have milk to nurse with, then i will be working towards losing the weight.

i have a lot of plans in place and accountability...ive joined a weight loss board online to mingle with people on their journeys so that i can keep my eye on the goal for the next 6 months, and ive got buy in from Jamie to work out with me and really get dedicated. since ill have put on a majority of the weight in the 10 months of pregnancy and the 3 months before that when i emotionally ate, im going to work my butt off and keep a realistic goal. if it took 13 months to put it on...i should expect it to take that long to remove it. of course though, i will be working out as if it wont take that long ;]

also ive got my sister on board, though we live miles and miles apart, a whole state even, i love how excited she is to do this with me! she even said that she would start now and work on this until i could.

jamie and i agreed to take Before photos the day we officially start. ill take one a week after i have the baby (to allow for reduction of swelling) and then another 4 weeks later when we start really getting on it as my official before picture, and then one a month until i reach either 175lbs or a size 10-12 whichever comes first. i know where i look good, im not focusing on a number specifically but that range is where i feel best. i like curves and meat on my bones.

and to whoever created the BMI calculator that says my ass should be 145lbs at 5'9" screw.you.

im beautiful and healthy heavier than that. and i love me :]

ill keep posting my foods and holding myself accountable over the next 18 weeks of pregnancy.

fo now imma go back to watching episodes of biggest loser (miss you jillian!) and making plans and healthy choices for me and my baby :]

chow fo now.

Peeing on Sticks....

here i am, smack dab in the middle of trying to teach my son to pee on the toilet, and i am peeing on sticks; capturing urine for scientific analysis that happens in two minutes.

those commercials of women pacing with the urine soaked stick on the counter are false.

in reality, regardless of the nature of your trying to concieve or lack there of, you sit, pants around ankles, unknowingly holding your breath, and you watch. watch as the peepee makes its way across the little window, and wait...is that the first line? or the second? is that a real line? is it my imagination?

our minds play tricks on us as we watch, imagining for a split second what we do, or do not, want to see appear.

in my case, though i wanted so much for that little line to appear, it left me paralyzed, standing as if that would show my urgency to the first response life changer in my hands. i stood there, pants and underthings around my ankles, belly hanging every which way, still not quite in tact from the first set of lines i saw 3 years ago. and i waited.

and then i took another test...same expectation, this time sitting bare bottomed on the bathtub.

then a few hours later another...

thats right...i dont believe it the first time.

but it didnt lie. it delivered what it promised.

and in about 9 months, i will deliver what was promised to me.

please keep me in your thoughts for a smooth pregnancy.

this little firefly is so beautiful to me.

on a weight related note...back to vegetarian after this baby is born, and cutting out a lot of meat while in utero.

picked up SKINNY BITCH: BUN IN THE OVEN and it is an eye opener. strongly recommended, but prepare to get offended.

loves!

damn cereal.

not much else to eat...except for oatmeal. but i needed a break from oatmeal :]

but now to find a cheap slow cooker recipe :]

thinking about using this site for it.

http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/01/30/the-frugal-magic-of-the-five-ingredient-crock-pot-meal/

also...huluplus has like the old seasons of the biggest loser...HEYOH!

feeling beautiful

went to a game last night with my best friend.

and i bought a slinky new dress that clung to my curves. this picture actually makes me look decievingly small. in reality im not that tiny lol but i am fitter and feeling great.

i felt beautiful and it made me feel amazing.

it always has made me feel good, to dress nicely.

i felt beautiful, sexy.

dont get me wrong, my tights were tight, the dress was a little short, and it rode up and sometimes i felt a little exposed...but its because im getting used to it. this body is relatively new for me.

i have work to go...but i work it in the right clothes and i feel great. :]

holllaaaa

yes.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1whZxv/ransom.sytes.org/%253Fr%253DbmV2ZXIgZG91YnQgZm9yIGEgc2Vjb25kIGhvdyB0cnVseSBiZWF1dGlmdWwgeW91IGFyZSrL3Yc

Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

day 2...98 days left...jkjk 28 days left

of some basic strength being worked into my day.

just making simple changes....incorporating Plank, Pushups, Squats and stretches to feel a change in my flexibility and work on the ab muscles that i used to work on with my old PT.

gonna workmy way up again to doing more!

gonna do some simple changes for 100 days and see to it that i maintain upward movements.

but in the interest of me sucking at keeping the energy up. i think im gonna change it to 30 days : ] easier time frame? maybe. its like reverse psychology.

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

reached out today

to a friend...for some advice.

he also has lost about 80 lbs...

and i was getting a little discouraged.

heres how it played out....im posting this only because i had a temporary weakness...and i needed someone who understood. thats why you guys peruse my silly blog anyway right?

anyway. i like showing weakness...i think it shows strength.

Me:

Losing motivation. Fallen off the wagon a bit the last 3 weeks. And just wanna get these last 25 lbs gone. Its taken so long and it should have been gone already. How do I push through this ridiculous plateau of both mind and body? :( not that 80lbs isn't good enough, but I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the whole damn thing. Ever feel that way?

Him:

Felt that way nearly every day. Its hard when we wired ourselves a certain way for so long to completely change who we are. Try changing something up with your workout and food so its somewhat new. Not easier or harder, just different. But to be frank that you reached out and asked shows you your determination is already there. Run harder walk farther keep pushing. You can do it. Realize how long it took to gain the weight and how fast comparatively you've lost it. The difference is probably years.

its important to have someone something tangible to show that its possible.

because it is.

be beautiful.

be you.

be love.

talk soon interwebs.

RESPECT the PROCESS

it IS a process.

i ate a sensible breakfast, minus the fact i used the whole egg for my egg sammich instead of just the whites.

but i had garlic bread, and a lot of it, with dinner.

but i did drink 64 ounces so far today.

and im on vacation with a sick kid....that has to count for something.

the thing that i wanted to pass along today...was that my hope is that everyone RESPECTS the PROCESS.

respect that you will try and sometimes fail.

respect that some weeks youll lose little.

respect the process to not binge when you have a chance.

respect the process to know you will, ladies, bloat when its your period. dont freak out.

respect the process not to freak.

respect the process to feel a little stab of guilt but not freak out with guilt. you can cheat. its okay.

respect the process and drink your water. im horrible at this. but there is MUCH proof your body needs it.

respect the process by respecting yourself.

youll be a lot happier that way. :)

love you.

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.

Checking in

been doing eh.

what do i mean by that?

ive had a couple times where ive gotten a little crazy and binged a little, not gonna lie because lets face it, who reads this? and wat do i gain by lying to strangers anyway.

i reread the blog a lot, and its almost reassuring that i have my ups and downs because it means there is always an end to a lull i get myself into but also its a little sad that i dont seem to have the willpower to maintain positive progress.

ive met someone.

and i spend a lot of time with him.

he is a wonderful man, and he thinks im beautiful, and i feel beautiful. i love who i am, and how i look.

its nice to feel myself around someone. i feel like a lady. not that i didnt in previous relationships, ive always felt beautiful and believed them when they said it. but i feel comfortable in my own skin as ive grown this past few months since ending my engagement with my sons father.

but i see myself differently. i feel beautiful, flawed, but beautiful.

no makeup, in sweats.

i just feel beautiful.

but ive been eating sensibly. when i go to subway, lets face it, i DO eat there a lot, i can actually put aside my 6 inches thats left and just let it sit until a couple hours later when i will finish it.

:) i have willpower and confidence. my body hasnt changed much since last time i posted, and seeing as how i spend a lot of time with this wonderful man, i havent worked out or gone to the gym to use that free membership which is gonna expire in 2 weeks, or even done my power walk around the waterfront. but im being more sensible. water, lots of it. i picked up a water bottle from WinCo that has a dial for how many bottles ive drank, and i fill it a couple times a day and try to get my water in. aside from a few binging indiscretions i have learned more about my abilities with portion control.

i drink coffee, but cut out the liquid creamers, and though i still do go to dutch brothers a little too much and even opt for the full fat full flavors every once in awhile, im sensible.

i like feeling in control of this. i know if i had just ate my pride and boredom and maintained my strength and consistency i could have lost at least 10 lbs in the last 2 months, but im okay with that. i havent stepped on a scale since my doctors appt on dec 7th, because its not about numbers. its about how i feel.

and i feel sexy, i feel beautiful. i feel flawed but just right, and thats a huge growing piece on my part.

im still a work in progress. i DO still want to lose the full 100 lbs.

it was hard to reread an earlier entry and see that my goal to lose that 100 was supposed to be done by May or June of last year. but my resolution for 2011 has nothing to do with weight.

its to do more for others than i do for myself.

its to be happy in any and all things.

its to love myself and love others with wreckless abandon.

love isnt about acceptance of who you are, its embracing who you are and loving yourself because youre you.

its not saying "im okay with how i look" its saying "im beautiful" without adding a "but" or an "in spite of" at the end of it.

i love myself. im beautiful. with no strings attached and no catches.

:)

im going to be more responsible, but in all things i just need to know its okay no matter how i look.

and you too.

be healthy.

if youre overweight, work on it. but dont be hard on yourself.

biggest loser is back thank goodness. i love when they have seasons back to back because i feel stronger and motivated.

today i have eaten 8 inches of a footlong for lunch and then the other 4 a few hours later and im going to eat a turkey sammich for dinner.

i was tempted to get something sweet like ice cream or cookies, or fulfill my craving for a whole loaf of french bread with butter. i resisted! im living life, and life doesnt revolve around food. food is the energy for life, and it doesnt rule mine. its just for sustenance and not just for enjoyment anymore.

life is good friends.

LOVE it.

26.2 in 26.2

Friday Dec 10th: 3.0

Sat Dec 11th: 2.5

Wednesday Dec 15th: 3.5

Thursday: Dec 16th: 3.5

Friday Dec 17: 1.5

total: 14 miles. 1 week.

total remaining: 12.2 miles with 19 days remaining.

what have i been listening to during my workouts?

Adam Lambert "whattaya want from me"

Hanson "Wasting Time"

Hanson "My Own Sweet Time"

The Script "Break Even"

Lifehouse "Whatever It Takes"

OutKast "Hey Ya"

Matisyahu "One Day"

: )

feeling good. getting lots of water in by holding someone else accountable for the same thing.

long night of debauchery and sinning had me up til 630 and up again at 830 for the day. so i cheated with a sugar free rockstar and a nonfat annihilator. but im allowing it. :)

lets goooooooooooooooooooo.

:) for funsies....

A reminder I'm beautiful in my own skin...no make up and some chub underneath...

Doing it.

Bout 3 miles in tonight. :) lip synching...loudly. I hope people are watching. :) tonight on repeat is break even by the script. But there has been some adam lamber "whattaya want from me" and some neon trees "animal".

Go get em tiger.

I swear it looks different in person...

fuck me running...

i have worked out hardcore, at least an hour of cardio 4x a week for about 2 weeks. more than i have in the last ever.

and the scale didnt budge.

i was so distraught that i ate a bit of candy (lets face it...24 years ive waited to be the mom that raids the candy instead of the child who wakes up to the good stuff gone...)

and i maybe had a krispy kreme doughnut..it had sprinkles...and a few cookies.

sometimes i have a childs mentality..."well if youre gonna stay fat im gonna make it worth your while..."

im such an adult.

i want to beat this! this should be easy! come on now!

the world is being a bit cruel to me.

lots of things to get repaired on the car and an insurance debaucle.

i wish i werent so flaky.

and i wish it were easy.

ah well...feet first right?

just a couple cool websites.

http://www.highproteinfoods.net/
this site talks about exactly what it claims...high protein foods.

according to a book im reading (eat this not that) those who ate high protein diets lost twice as much fat than those eating the same amount of calories as those on a low protein diet.

thats not too shabby. :] by the way

Eat This, Not That is AMAZING.

www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm
for the calorie calculator...tellign you what you need based on your age, sex, exercise level, etc.

caloriecount.about.com
this does what it claims also...counts the calories.

Sparkpeople.com is like the social networking for those who want to or have lost weight already : ]

love all of these.

today is starting off good.
i found myself, forgive me for being blunt, a little backed up. feelign sluggish and heavy.
had some coffee and some water, and am feelign great.

gotta watch those bananas kids, they will back you up if you eat one day even, after a few days you stop with the loss! yet in moderation they are great for you : ]

as i mentioned in the last posts, i gained 2 lbs back. im at 205. im determined to get under 200 by february 14th.
then i will have less than 20 lbs to go to my ultimate goal - 101 lbs lost.
its hard to keep motivation when you just want to stop. for example it was such a hard day mentally yesterday that i have in to about 250 calories in chocolate...sometimes we need to give in to temptation...but thats only sometimes.

im staying strong. ive started the day with black coffee adding some water and fat free creamer and a bowl of rice krisipies with splenda that i shared with my son. again i didnt drink the extra milk (though maybe i should to get more protein)
and im about to go for a workout at the Kroc Center.
bummed there is no swimming, but im going to make the most of it. last chance workout....Biggest Loser on tonight!


oh yes, and im going dress shopping for the game tomorrow night.


gotta be as sexy as i can be : ]


loves all.

have a healthy and happy day, and be thankful for it.

M.