revelation. and big changes.

im in a bit of a rut. a lot of things really. 

a weeklong plateau. 

learning to be consistent with food. 

taking a nutrition class and learnign things id rather not know.

and personal things causing big impacts. 

first off. im 219.6

ive lost about 68.6 lbs. 

ive got 39.4 to go to my "goal" of 180. 

ive decided to change it. 

i dont want a goal number. i just want to be healthy and work on my body until it decides that it is where it should be. my body knows best, not i. 

im using the information im learning and i am going to be healthier. 

eating MUCH more fruits and vegetables. 

a friend of mine is going through a crazy time. his wife, who is 26, has cancer. there is no easy way to say it, any not horrible way to say it. but she doesnt have much longer. as of rigt now, they are estimating that she has days. its super hard to watch him go through this from afar. 

(side note, i was recently just given word my own biopsy came back benign. so i feel very re-evaluate-y)

she is 26. pretty healthy looking (prior to her treatments) and she didnt have any reason to worry. any reason to believe at 25 she would be diagnosed with cancer that would basically be the end of her life. shes beautiful. she married the love of her life last year, and shortly after was diagnosed, with a wonderful partner at her side. 

she had everything goign for her, and then disease took that away. ive spent a lot of time reflecting for her, for her husband. 

and also for myself. 

i keep putting myself where she is at and it is heartbreaking. it just makes me appreciate my health. appreciate my body. appreciate nutrition and doctors and options. 

i have choices i can make, every day. 

i can CHOOSE to drink a lot of water. 

i can CHOOSE to have veggies instead of chips. 

i can CHOOSE to have a smoothie instead of a burger. 

i can CHOOSE to walk, even when i dont want to. 

i can CHOOSE to take my bike instead of the car. 

and i can CHOOSE to make this my life, and the example i set for my children. my Maya. my Julian. they deserve to grow up KNOWING about how to treat their bodies. and how to love it. and love themselves and take care of themselves.

not that there was anything K could have done to prevent her cancer. it defied all the odds and statistics and still afflicted her. but i can take charge of what i CAN control. 

and i CAN control how I treat MY body. 

and im GOING to treat it WELL. 

and this transformation will be mental too. 

negative thoughts are another type of disease. having compalints all the time is exhausting and tiring and hurtful. it brings nothing constructive. 

im going to give, more than i ever have before. it doesnt take money to be a giver. it takes compassion and doing WHATEVER YOU CAN with WHAT YOU HAVE. 

im going to continue to pump for my daughter. it gets TIRING. it gets exhausting.  i have school full time, and volunteering and work study. and sometimes i just want to quit. i am 100% pumping, and she doesnt nurse. sometimes i just dont feel like its fair! but its important. its a way i can do as much as i can to protect her from cancers, obesity and childhood illnesses. and it protects ME. by nourishing my girl, i lower MY risks of certain cancers too. 

im going to keep at it. itll be worth it.

im going to walk. bike. crawl. anything to be active. 

yesterday i walked 6.1 miles. 

and i felt pain in my chest. how scary! nothing serious, 

i could just tell my body wasnt used to it. 

but its a harsh reality. 

my body was made for moving and for living. and its not moving efficiently. 

dang it. 

im fixing this. 

i was given this beautiful body, and its broken. 

so im fixing it. 

more on this later. :)

fdklashjifjnasfilghl

so...

quick recap. 

imagine my happiness to find that i was able to lose a couple more lbs before i could really get back to exercising. the past few days have been awesome: i walked on wednesday for over an hour. biked today for nearly 10 miles, and biked last night for 3. ive been eating well. 

(ive been loading up on fiber and its not helping much...ahem!!! so im feeling a little bogged down, bloated. icky.)

then last night. we had sushi. i ate veggies rolls and some salmon. nothing bad. but of course the sodium wasnt healthy. and all day i have felt so effing uncomfortable...and today im packing on much more daily weight than normal. WTF.

im just feeling so irritated. WHY is it always one step forward, 2 steps back? i know it will eventually come off. but it really makes me wish i could throw in the towel when it does this shit. 

sklafnklajnksbjfvnsknrg. 

(mental note. i weighed in at 220 on Thursday. i weighed in at 228 today. i KNOW its water. there is NO way its anything else. but still. FUCKIT.

that is all. 

kbye.

RESTLESS.

just walking by and i couldnt help. my periphery saw this...and it cringed.

omg.this is oddly reminiscent of the immediately post partum pictures.

shudder.

lookit that epic side roll!

so before you say anything let me start by saying im UNBELIEVABLY gracious for the doctor i have, and that i am confident the result will be benign. i just have a feeling (one i hope is right!). the tumor that was in me is now NOT in me, sitting in some biohazard box somewhere rotting and dead. 

but lets be honest, i feel gross. i feel chubby and thick and big. its hard, because this was an internal procedure. there is no external incision to speak of. but the bottom line is the doctor artificially opened me up, took a camera, a hook, and a torch and removed a tumor and cauterized the lining.  the INSIDE of my organ took a beating. and my entire body is reacting. hey, rachel. remember when you had a BABY? and your FACE swelled and your FEET swelled? its all connected.even if it doesnt seem right, your body is doing what it feels is the best defense, and it WILL get better!

i KNOW its the surgery. but what part of trying to better your health doesnt want to be in tip top shappe at all times? bottom line is my HEAD looks at this and says...DONT COMPLAIN IF YOU ARENT GONNA GET UP AND FIX IT! but then i know i CANT get up and fix it. its a horribly vicious cycle. one which i am aware of, but i have to wait it out and trust the process. 

another side of me thinks...maybe this ISNT swelling and THIS is what i REALLY look like. and Who was i kidding when i thought i looked thinner? 

its just this devil side, the fat side, that doesnt allow me to see the thin. 

im going to beat this inner demon. 

i CAN do this. 

this IS temporary. 

i AM stronger. 

i am HEALTHIER. 

poofy swelly floofy belly

gah. 

so im trying to keep a level head, but i want it to be on the record that my post surgery weight skyrocketed to 239.8. on thursday 09.13.2012 i was 225 (226 as of my appt time) so i gained a total of 14.8 lbs. 

i was so worried about this that it put a real damper on mine and my sweets anniversary. 5 years, yesterday! 

and he looked SO handsome in his date outfit, i was just smitten. 

but i felt so beneath him, you know i felt so fat and unattractive and like my word was undone. and in that moment it is VERY hard to tell yourself it will go down. its hard to tell yourself its TEMPORARY and its hard to believe you wont have to do it all over again. its amazing how different i think i looked. 

                                               here is a picture from last Sunday 09.9

 here are some from our 5 year, Sunday September sixteenth 2012 :]

look how AMAZING my partner looks! he has lost 35 lbs!

i was recovering from surgery, and still nursing, and it was our anniversary, so we didnt track. we had small indulgences, we dont regret it. i spent a lot of the day internalizing my feelings. i was so uncomfortable in my skin. i felt so...unhealthy! i felt as though i looked pregnant. i was wearing a cute maxi dress, that just seemed to fall at the wrong spots. its such a beautiful dress otherwise.

i know itll go away. i know it. whether it falls off like it should or i have to rework off those 14.8 lbs, i will make them go away. 

i cried inside, and had to hide my insecurities until they simmered down long enough for me to overcome them and have a great time with him. he is wonderful, and im so grateful we are going from fat to healthy together. 

this is just my proof. this will be one entry i look back on and say "ha. it went away!"

:) 

237?!

Yes, friends. 237. That's an increase of 12 lbs. How? You ask?
Surgery.
Friday morning at 9am I underwent a surgery to remove a (likely benign) tumor from my uterus.
The result? A thumb sized tumor out...and 12 lbs of fluids and swelling in. I won't lie, its hard to see. Because as those numbers don't move, I feel defeated, set back, sad. But the rational part of me says NO. These lbs WEREN'T there before. They are NOT mine and I WONT be keeping them.

Ill keep you posted. This just goes to show you that those fluctuations are normal and can happen, and bodies react to trauma in different ways. Be that trauma a period or a surgery. Keep in mind also, this was MINOR surgery. From admitting to discharging I was there for 5 hours.
Ill let myself freak if these lbs haven't left in two weeks.
For now...I'm celebrating my health, and a tumor I'm NOT gonna miss.

L'chaim.

90Day JustMove UpDate :]

so to update from a previous entry from 11 days ago:

90Day JustMove Challenge

soooo where am i at now?

ohhh no big deal. just 66.70 miles into my 180 mile challenge. 1/3 down, and only 11 days in!!!! hory mory!!!

i SO underestimated myself. im learning my abilities and it is AWESOME.

also...down to 227.

i LOVE bicycling!!!! :)

:) NEKKID.

to what do you owe this wonderful display of partial nekkidness? 

oh...you know...just a milestone. 

my towel goes all the way around. and doesnt leave a little slit where my body is visible. 

and here is a clothed one. :)

its a "thin day". 

how often can we say that?! 

after a WHOLE week, in which i didnt update and you should be HAPPY i didnt, i lost a little. 

my last good weigh in i was 228. along with scale troubles (exchanged it) and an illness causing a grip of water retention and stomach distension, i had actually, in the course of the last week, seen 239 pop up on the scale. 

anyhow. weigh in this morning, and voila! 227! 

hopefully we see more downward movement!

for now...no towel nekkies!