um oops?

i drank.

a lot.

rockstar, cranberry juice, cherry rum and pineapple juice.

nothing really "low cal".

oh well.

it was a good relaxing night.

im not gonna hate on it.

besides, its not ONE night that got me this way....it was a LOT of One Nights.

remember that.

and dont hate on yourself.

blarga blarga blarga.

im not happy wth how things are going really.

ill update with pictures later but im disheartened.

i had an appt today and i got weighed.

28 lbs is gone. i know thats great. 28lbs 7 weeks. thats 4 lbs a week average. but lets face it...most of it came off in the first few weeks because i POPPED OUT A BABY. so its not steady. im grateful its gone. but my body is not changing.

i keep trying to tell myself GIVE IT the 44 weeks you planned.

but i WANT IT GONE. :(

additionally i wont go into detail, but i had some issues and basically they stem from taking on too much so far.

my body isnt ready.

mannnnn.

im trying.

180.

thats 80 lbs away.

it feels SO FAR.

RAWR.

i know i know.

drink your waters. (havent been so good about that.)

dont give in to sad eating (i did today and i regret it).

and WAIT. be PATIENT. (im not).

it WILL be gone.

it IS coming off.

just WORK, WAIT, and RELaX.

khljaknmsdjkvbnalskdjfn.

okay. im done for now.

Body is so not changin.

I don't see a difference. Is 6 weeks not enough time? I dunno. Maybe it is. I don't FEEL like its changing. My stomach is in this weird limbo. Having a baby in there doesn't go easy on ya! Its hard with my other friends from my february 2012 mom board having lost all their baby weight. And in my opinion, I've got a colicky girl...I deserve to lose the baby weight dammit :)

Oh well I'm in a good mood about it.

I cut out cafffeine 3 days ago and the fatigue is unreal. I went to bed at 2am. woke at 1pm today (was uup every few hours though to nurse) and I took a. 90 minute nap at 6pm. I'm STILL exhausted. Oh well hopefully my decaf coffee tricks my brain well enough. :)

one of those days.

i put on a shirt today.

i do every day. but i never look in the mirror.

today i put on a shirt AND looked in the mirror.

it was a maternity shirt, so it flowed under the breasts and gave ample room for the breasts.

im swollen up top from the breastfeeding issues we are having, and i needed a roomy shirt.

i walked past the mirror and glanced in. i really couldnt stop the tears in my eyes.

how something so beautiful could exit my body and leave nothing but insecurities and jelly around, i dont know. im wiggly, joggly and basically feeling horrible.

i know these things take time, and i know it didnt come on overnight and my goals are reasonable. but it doesnt stop me from being PISSED that im wearing maternity pants, and still fitting only into hanes t shirts, MENS mind you, in a XL and 2x. im just feeling defeated. it happens frequently but my mind is able to tell the insecurities to Eff Off and give me space and time to work with. today it just overpowered me.

here is almost 5 weeks postpartum.

the only reason im posting is because ive already cried my fair share, and hopefully ill be able to come back from this and say "see, told you it wouldnt last forever."

and yes my friends, this last one is what a mother of two looks like who doesnt sleep through the night, has a colicky crying baby who is likely allergic to milk protein, has swollen sore and blistered boobs and crazy hair and who is forcing a smile though is feeling pretty bummed.

its just one of those days., itll get better. i know it.

it just helps to bitch in its entirety.

p.s. this whole "going dairy free to see if baby is allergic" while WORTH IT for my daughter really is biting my butt. it seems there are very few breakfasts you can enjoy without milk, and forget about pb&j or birthday cake....theres just no having it!

its been having me eating lots of granola, oatmeal and sandwiches which is nice. but seriously.

hoping this has pleasant side effects.

jfksadjksjfnalkjsfnlakujhenfkls,n!!

okay. im done. for now. :)

A New Way #1: the first MONTH postpartum

instead of weighing in, and seeing numbers change (or worse...not change) but still looking in the mirror and feeling fat panda, i am thinking of trying a new approach....NO weigh ins. (whats helpful is i have to go out of my way to weigh myself since i refuse to own a scale and havent had one since this blog began.)

im contemplating that since im looking for the weight loss to happen gradually, over the next 42 weeks (the goal was 86 lbs in 46 weeks because i figured it took 40 weeks to pile on the weight so it should also to lose it, and 6 weeks of postpartum recovery), i should just do something like pictures. just like pregnancy baby bump photos. its funny how we are so willing to show every week our bellies getting rounder as pregnancy progresses but not during the weight loss process itself!

(why cameras are more forgiving to pregnant ladies, i do not know.)

i might give in and step on a scale...or get weighed at the doctor...but i want my real success to be in what i see when i look in a mirror.

ill still have a goal weight, right now 180 is the goal still.

first goal being 194 so i can beat that damn 195 curse ive had on myself for so long.

but i also want to SEE it. because even when i looked thinner...i saw fatter.

and i dont want that. i always want to be real with myself.

so here goes nothing....

im glad im choosing to do this....because as i sorted through photos to choose the ones to upload i started thinking "i dont see a difference." and i do NOT want to let myself get in that train of thought! my body is changing, in its own way, naturally. and im not screwing with nature :)

im still not exercising since im not cleared by the doctor. this is regular, but conscious eating. and breastfeeding.

this is 10 days postpartum

this is mah face 10 days pp.

this is 14 days postpartum.

so is this one:

here are some randoms from the first 2 weeks after delivering a babe...

this is 29 days post partum.

such a weird shape, my belly. its very...squishy. i know from experience it goes away...but at the same time..its super weird to look at and touch it.

im gonna go burn some calories playing the kinect with J.

update in a week or so with more pictures!

nearly 4 weeks.

i have not weighed myself since i was weighed at the doctor a couple weeks ago and i was 269.

i believe i had mentioned that was about 20 lbs down.

i feel like ive made further progress.

i did put myself in a pair of jeans that didnt have elastic in the waistband :)

they were a size 18 (barf) and my stomach is definitely shaped differently than it was prior to baby number 2. but im okay with it. i have no desire to weigh myself yet. 4 weeks may seem like a long time, but in terms of healing from having a baby? heck no! your body spends 40 weeks GROWING the baby, why shouldnt i allow more than 4 to recover? the paijn has basically subsided, im just trying to find balance and energy. trying to breastfeed and find sleep and balance two children. its not hard, just different, and intentionally trying to lose weight while trying to maintain and grow a milk supply is not feasible. im going to be smart about my foods (no fast food in the last 4 weeks!) drink my water (liquids are more important than ever now). ill worry about trying to get in more exercise and counting calories when im not trying to grow a thriving supply of food for my baby with my body :) in a couple weeks it should level out, and i plan on incorporating walking into my routine to jumpstart things and get back into it.

just some thoughts about the whole weight loss thing. im excited to see it happen eventually to be real honest. yesterday i went out in the blustery oregon weather and grabbed an old sweater i wore about 16 months ago. it was a Medium. yeah, can you say "fat girl in a little coat?" :) noooo i dont consider myself fat, but it wouldnt even close enough to try to zip it. it will be nice to wear it comfortably again! also, i had to have J put all my "skinny" clothes in the garage for now since there is no room in our house for them.

i WILL bust those out sooner than later.

Weight you WILL NOT DEFEAT ME :)

2 weeks.

I told myself after m was born id wait 6 weeks to start exercising and counting calories. I need to build milk supply and really bond with my family. I made an agreement that I would allow 46 weeks. (40 weeks it takes to pile it on, it should take the same tok lose! plus the 6 weeks that I'm not trying anything)
But I wish it still just fell off.

Topped weight at delivery was 288. Ewwwwww. Admitting it sucks.
At my doc appt today I weighed in at 269.
Improvement yes. But justt hard. I'm weirdly shaped, can't wear normal clothes. Other postpartum friends are already prepregnancy weights. I'm gonna do this. I know I will.

Just gonna be a process. But hey, gives me something to blog about!