sigh.

yeah, according to my records that has been my headline a lot.

but its one huge sigh.

id like to say weight loss and accountability are easy but they arent.

heres hoping that certain situations change and things change for the better.

kinda proud of myself

wanted a burger...chose subway instead.

baby steps right?

yes.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1whZxv/ransom.sytes.org/%253Fr%253DbmV2ZXIgZG91YnQgZm9yIGEgc2Vjb25kIGhvdyB0cnVseSBiZWF1dGlmdWwgeW91IGFyZSrL3Yc

Pneumonia pffffft

to celebrate a friends birthday...even if i couldnt be there.

i got all dolled up and put on makeup...and then hacked my brains out.

on a weight loss or lack thereof related note...

turkey chili for dinner

quesadillas for lunch

oatmeal and EW omelette for breakfast

i think i did all right.

should likely consume more water.

Happy Birthday Lady J!

i do pneumonia wrong

i swear...

i hhave had pneumonia for 9 days....and most of those with no apetite. and i still and the same shape.

i was smart ad ate each day anyway, to make sure i wasnt depriving my body, but nothing changed. i dont even know.

im feeling better, thank goodness.

im so so thankful for my health.

those doctors knew what they were doing and are taking good car eof me.

im blessed.

but seriously.

LOSE SOME WEIGHT BODY!

i dont think it helps that i have been a little depressed over a few things. i wish that i could just see where everything is going to end up so that i knew i could get through a lot of my feelings right now.

when it comes to break ups...sometimes i dont think you ever realy break up.

:(

i wish it were different. and its been eating at me the last few days. on top of being sick and holed up for a few days, i just am getting emotional and physical cabin fever.

since ive been home i swear ive been so jazzed just to be here that ive cleaned and cooked and built fires...all of which are not awesome for recovery thats for damn sure.

i wish i could say that the best part of pneumonia is the weight loss like some people...for me though, its the hot doctor and the feeling of recovery. im so so blessed that its almost over!

Pneumonia.

Sickness. No appetite yet I still eat....

thank goodness that there is no nausea or vomiting.

hideous fever half the time. body aches. coughing and chest pain.

but what hurts the most is myh little boy coming up to me wanting to cuddle and make mahmee better, and i cant...because i dont wish this on anyone...especially my baby.

missed lots of work which means lots of monies.

and i havent been the best about my food. but i cant even think. and its not important.

its times like this, when i feel this horrible, tat things are put in perspective.

this beautiful body of mine is fighting an illness that used to kill people.

this beautiful body of mine is fighting and infection that is invading my core.

this beautiful body of mine is fighting, to get better. and its crazy beautiful!

sure i have flaws, but im healthy (for the most part) and im alive. alive!

Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

Hmmm

Working on myself.

Today I didn't sleep a lot. Have had a handful of chips and 2 six inches from subway.

Water water water.

And have been doing core exercises for days working on my belly.

More to come when I'm home on the laptop.

I lost progress but its coming back baby. Yayah!

:) too many rockstars...or not enough?

day 2...98 days left...jkjk 28 days left

of some basic strength being worked into my day.

just making simple changes....incorporating Plank, Pushups, Squats and stretches to feel a change in my flexibility and work on the ab muscles that i used to work on with my old PT.

gonna workmy way up again to doing more!

gonna do some simple changes for 100 days and see to it that i maintain upward movements.

but in the interest of me sucking at keeping the energy up. i think im gonna change it to 30 days : ] easier time frame? maybe. its like reverse psychology.

what an amazing and incredible feat...

to be at the point, where even before im done losing all the weight i want to lose....

i can say out loud "i feel beautiful" because i truly do. instead of saying it just to be "confident" when inside i cried.

i sure love being me.

this whole thing is transformation.

seriously.

im still about 205 maybe more with recent binging.

and toggling between size 14 and 16.

not much has changed.

but i can say i feel and i am beautiful.

how cool how just growing emotionally and mentally can do wonders on what you think you look like.

: ]

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

reached out today

to a friend...for some advice.

he also has lost about 80 lbs...

and i was getting a little discouraged.

heres how it played out....im posting this only because i had a temporary weakness...and i needed someone who understood. thats why you guys peruse my silly blog anyway right?

anyway. i like showing weakness...i think it shows strength.

Me:

Losing motivation. Fallen off the wagon a bit the last 3 weeks. And just wanna get these last 25 lbs gone. Its taken so long and it should have been gone already. How do I push through this ridiculous plateau of both mind and body? :( not that 80lbs isn't good enough, but I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the whole damn thing. Ever feel that way?

Him:

Felt that way nearly every day. Its hard when we wired ourselves a certain way for so long to completely change who we are. Try changing something up with your workout and food so its somewhat new. Not easier or harder, just different. But to be frank that you reached out and asked shows you your determination is already there. Run harder walk farther keep pushing. You can do it. Realize how long it took to gain the weight and how fast comparatively you've lost it. The difference is probably years.

its important to have someone something tangible to show that its possible.

because it is.

be beautiful.

be you.

be love.

talk soon interwebs.