Food poisoning.

I've done fairly well with the whole not gaining 70 lbs thing. (I'm at slightly less than 40 so far). My body gains...I have accepted it. However after a really rough food poison I'm amazed at what my body can take. I won't be TOO graphic....but let's just say it started at 6am, and when I went to the doc for fluids for the baby, I had lost over 5lbs. They gave me some imodium (I bet you can figure out the problem) and some fluids and checked on my girl...she is all right. 3 days in and I've been able to eat toast, crackers, bad idea to eat cereal, and I ate some soup. Looking up now but it was pretty bad for awhile. Grateful for my body's resilience, strength, beauty in my baby, and great doctors.

:) in 12 weeks ill be resuming weight loss posts. :) here's hoping I only gain 1lb a week as I'm supposed to! Water isn't piling on yet! :)

Stay healthy friends!

Muchas.

Soooooo I've been trying to be healthy. Ate cereal for breakfast, subway for lunch and soup and greens beans for dinner. And a skinny cow. All in all I didn't even hit the 2k I'm allotted for the day to be responsible. Jamie brought home muchas. I'm still munchie hungry. And jamie brings home MUCHAS. Sigh. Tests are all around...I refuse it!

without realizing it...

i have drank almost 2 gallons of water today.

holy crap.

i feel good, i feel energized. i did have to take a vicodin or pain...maybe thats why i didnt notice my intake. but its been helping my digestion and my mood. i feel good. still fatigued...but dude...im pregnant :] im excited to stay strong on a topic of committing to making healthier choices for my baby. after all, everything my body does runs of water...including the fact that my baby swims in it....water can only be INCREDIBLE for her :] im a boss :]

love you baby girl!

motivation.

hard work.

determination.

Damn he's hot.

those are the things runnign through my mind when i see these pictures.

and then i remember...

if he were here he would tell me

STOP making excuses.

do what you can do REALISTICALLY without harming yourself or your child.

dont lose weight. its not all about being skinny. its about HEALTHY CHOICES that CHANGE MY LIFE. that MAKE ME the BEST MOM and allow me to grow a HEALTHY girl.

:]

i love you bobbo. (i miss you jillian...)

Explain later.

okay. its later.

this was me in december of 2005.

this was 2 months before my friend Shane passed away.

that is when i gained the real weight.

in this photo i was probably about 180? maybe 170?

the angle isnt the best but there are a few pictures throughout this blog from the same era.

i have finally identified that it was that event that catapulted me. i couldnt heal physically because in 2007, Jesse died. in 2009, Andy died.

it did nothing but perpetuated it.

i was able to get to 195 from dec 2008 to feb 2010 and im GOING to do it with this one. ill need prayer and willpower and strength. ill need my family there with me. ill need a lot to get through and not falter. but i wil. with my love and with my beautiful kids. i can get through it.

:]

food for the day

to keep myself accountable...im gonna jot down my foods.

breakfast was frosted mini wheats.

lunch was a breakfast sammich with eggs and ham on a bagel (shouldve gotten egg whites for the protein...but i did need it for other things lol)

dinner, i realized that i somehow now have an aversion to cheese and i ate a sammich and a half, lettuce tomato and turkey :]

it was SO good. i eat only a little extra (300 extra calories are all thats needed per day in a healthy pregnancy) and i use them mostly for snacks and a little larger dinner to get me through the night that im not eating but my baby still needs nutrients.

its hard for people to understand that im not dieting. i eat plenty of calories, all healthy...okay MOST healthy, and im been working on drinking waters, up to a gallon a day.

they think because im pregnant its stupid of me to watch these kinds of things.

but i find it all the more reason.

i shouldnt just eat whatever i want. my daughter does NOT benefit more from a dinner high in fat and calories as opposed to a balanced meal without the additives.

yes i drink soda, but i drink whole soda, so im not putting aspartame in my body.

i drink coffee, usually black, and i try to limit it most days.

i dont eat copious amounts of desserts or sweets. and i try to eat sensibly.

i wish people understood.

i didnt wanna gain 70 lbs with jude.

i dont wanna gain a ton with this one.

i wont diet, i wont go crazy exercising. but pregnancy doesnt give me a pass to be irresponsible...after all...i gained 70 lbs with jude...and he was less than 8. the rest of those lbs were full of water and accountability. for sure :]

i love my little girl. and im giving her healthy and nutrient rich foods to be proud of :]

motivation.

The Biggest Loser on Hulu AND ON netflix? LOVE IT! now i have ALL THE SEASONS!

so im tryign to be healthier. i want it so badly.

today my love and my son and i went on a 25 or so mijnute walk around the neighborhood to be healthy and then i played with my resistance bands!

i need to keep up with my waters.

water water water.

i need it.

Maya bean needs it.

and my future self needs it.

i feel her rolling around in there, and knowing ive kept her healthy the last 23 weeks is SO rewarding.

at this point knowing she could come and have a chance, even a slim one, of being healthy. but im being responsible with this precious life.

also, on our walk with the boys today, i tried to jog, tried to run...the intense pain and pressure on my pelvic bone was too much.

i wont lie, ive never been a runner, but i can watch TBL every day?! my own history shows that i am much more successful of leading a healthy lifestyle during TBL seasons :]

i can do this.

and you know what...you can too.

after i showed a friend of mine the blog, i got motivated to read back. i was reading feelings i havent touched on in 10-16-18 months even...and it motivated me. i WILL NOT be sad. my life is incredible and my weight does NOT impact my mood that much. im motivcated, im happy. im gonna be successful damnit.

Piece de resistance.

Resistance bands.
10 on ebay for 5 with 4 handles.
10 for shipping.

Used em 20 minutes today and felt the burn. :)
LOVE it!

I can still tone and work it without losing.
Love you baby.
Love you body.
:)

baby fat

So as ive mentioned before i have gained mroe weight than i have wanted, and i have been eating a LOT healthier.

ive been keeping myh eye on the prize, a healthy baby girl come february, and then a plan of attack to get rid of whatever i gain.

i acknowledge that it is not put on overnight, but over 40 weeks, and so whatever i gain, i resolve to lose in 40 weeks. i know that my baby eats what i eat, and am trying to fill it with good stuff. i refuse to be sad that i am feeding myself, my body and my baby with greens and wheats.

i know where i can improve. its my beverages for sure. i crave drinks! juices and mt dew (i know i know i can hear jillian michaels getting pissed at me from here) and the fact that while my body doesnt agree with warm cheap low calorie at home coffee...its totally in agreeane with frappuccinos. ive been doing no whip and non fat but still...i need to cut down. so i will.

my body is telling me what it is going to do for my baby. im going to trust nature and not my confused brain.

as long as im giving it good fuel and being more active...and making sure to get in my water, i know i will be successful. the goal is keeping this little precious girl in there for longer, so she can grow.

ive made it through almost 23 weeks, and i feel SO good knowing that if i can make it through another 1-5 weeks...heaven forbid she comes early...there is a chance. it may eb one in a million, but there is a chance she will be all right.

the longer the better. i dont have any reason as of yet to think that she will not stay until 37 weeks. but a friend of mine recently delivered, for no good reason, at 27 weeks...and i need to be prepared for the unpredictable.

today i do Yoga.

i should have been doing it more in the last 23 weeks, instead of only once. but i have 17 weeks left until my due date.

17 weeks left until Feb 14th 2012.

i have 17 weeks of yoga and healthy eating and good choices to make to impact my daughter and change my life to give her the best shot possible.

love this positivity.

i have had to take vicodin for some torn muscles and muscle spasms for the last 1.5 weeks. i havent even taken one today and i feel cloudy and slightly out of it. time to wean myself off and see how im feeling.

i dont like this foggy haze im in.

im keeping my head int he game, watching biggest loser and talking to people, making healthy choices.

i need some Green Giant Steamers...those things are awesome. great, thanks Bob Harper, now im freaking craving cheesy broccoli.

watching season 7 and seeing Tara Costa, knowing that in 2008 i believe, she was on this show at 294 and she JUST completed an Ironman...this is so incredibly motivating, she won 8 challenges and never fell below the yellow line. she lost double digits almost every single week. she worked HARD. Kristin from this season lost all this weight, at over 300 lbs down to a healthy enough weight to get pregnant and have the baby she wanted so badly.

the winner of this season was Helen, a woman in her 50s! how incredible all of this is.

eeeesh!

okay so its been awhile. sue me, im pregnant.

no joke ive been eating pretty healthily. i have no desire for ice cream or chocolate, and have only had sweets like that maybe a handful of times in this pregnancy. ive craved salads and tomatoes yet still ive gained more than my share. i truly believe, without any excuses, that this is how my body reacts to pregnancy. i will also admit that i have not exercised much. with back pain and nausea and now a holy moly head cold, it sucks balls to do anything exercisey.

but im keeping my mind on the goal...growing a healthy baby. after that the plan is establish a good milk supply, and after i know ill have milk to nurse with, then i will be working towards losing the weight.

i have a lot of plans in place and accountability...ive joined a weight loss board online to mingle with people on their journeys so that i can keep my eye on the goal for the next 6 months, and ive got buy in from Jamie to work out with me and really get dedicated. since ill have put on a majority of the weight in the 10 months of pregnancy and the 3 months before that when i emotionally ate, im going to work my butt off and keep a realistic goal. if it took 13 months to put it on...i should expect it to take that long to remove it. of course though, i will be working out as if it wont take that long ;]

also ive got my sister on board, though we live miles and miles apart, a whole state even, i love how excited she is to do this with me! she even said that she would start now and work on this until i could.

jamie and i agreed to take Before photos the day we officially start. ill take one a week after i have the baby (to allow for reduction of swelling) and then another 4 weeks later when we start really getting on it as my official before picture, and then one a month until i reach either 175lbs or a size 10-12 whichever comes first. i know where i look good, im not focusing on a number specifically but that range is where i feel best. i like curves and meat on my bones.

and to whoever created the BMI calculator that says my ass should be 145lbs at 5'9" screw.you.

im beautiful and healthy heavier than that. and i love me :]

ill keep posting my foods and holding myself accountable over the next 18 weeks of pregnancy.

fo now imma go back to watching episodes of biggest loser (miss you jillian!) and making plans and healthy choices for me and my baby :]

chow fo now.

ew

not gonna lie...

ive been eating pretty healthily...sometimes a few food indiscretions. but no ice cream cravings or anything, matter o fact my baby hates chocolate and ice cream! and ive been craving salads.

but im gaining, just as fast as i did with Jude.

im not worried. im beautiful, i have a loving man who loves my soul, and i knw itll come off after. i really need to get better at drinking water.

bottoms up!

:)

sooo

im pregnant. yes, this is true.

this means i will not actively try to lose weight.

however, i will try to eat healthy.

since i have been pregnant i have lost about 9 lbs due to the sickness, and no i can keep most meals down with nausea, but am craving sourness. :]

trying to be smart.

need waters. its hard.

im not proud of this.

but hey, im pregnant.

ive been craving Muchas Gracias. Greasy ole Mexican food.

also Symphony Bars by the pound.

it sucks not wanting fruits and veggies.

but with the nausea ive had. i may as well eat when i can.

its nervewrackign that im bloating already, and i am not sure how i feel about it.

but if bebe is growing well. i dont mind :]

lets NOT shoot for 65 lbs this time though, body.

Peeing on Sticks....

here i am, smack dab in the middle of trying to teach my son to pee on the toilet, and i am peeing on sticks; capturing urine for scientific analysis that happens in two minutes.

those commercials of women pacing with the urine soaked stick on the counter are false.

in reality, regardless of the nature of your trying to concieve or lack there of, you sit, pants around ankles, unknowingly holding your breath, and you watch. watch as the peepee makes its way across the little window, and wait...is that the first line? or the second? is that a real line? is it my imagination?

our minds play tricks on us as we watch, imagining for a split second what we do, or do not, want to see appear.

in my case, though i wanted so much for that little line to appear, it left me paralyzed, standing as if that would show my urgency to the first response life changer in my hands. i stood there, pants and underthings around my ankles, belly hanging every which way, still not quite in tact from the first set of lines i saw 3 years ago. and i waited.

and then i took another test...same expectation, this time sitting bare bottomed on the bathtub.

then a few hours later another...

thats right...i dont believe it the first time.

but it didnt lie. it delivered what it promised.

and in about 9 months, i will deliver what was promised to me.

please keep me in your thoughts for a smooth pregnancy.

this little firefly is so beautiful to me.

on a weight related note...back to vegetarian after this baby is born, and cutting out a lot of meat while in utero.

picked up SKINNY BITCH: BUN IN THE OVEN and it is an eye opener. strongly recommended, but prepare to get offended.

loves!

Poutine...

soooo J came to take me to a late night date in portland and told me to prepare to break the diet. we dont have cheat days so i thought it would be okay...

he took me to poutine.

dont know what poutine is?

i wont even tell you.

go google it.

and by the way...it IS possible to have a hangover for your belly. i woke up feelin horrible, meat sweats and all.

sigh.

but its a good feeling. its like i know that my body doesnt like those things that years ago wouild have been AMAZING.

:]

progress!

biggest loser finale

oh man oh man. im so tired of seeing finale after finale.

because i wonder "how do they lose 100 lbs!? ive been working on the same hundred since 12/27/2008!" oh yeah thats right...they exercise all the freakin time.

i really need to be less lazy :]

maybe boxing....

oh yeah, next monday im thinking bowling and batting cages. fun hmmmm?

i need to make it fun. i like having fun. dont you?

by the way, jillian...im going to miss you.

oooh, i think i might do yoga during Bugs nap.

Strategic side photo...heyoh!

Chin?

I see a thinner person in there...I will find you woman!

Walkin On lunch

To spur more calorie burnin. Walked to subway, ate half mah sammich and the other for later...and walked back stopping only for a sugar free coffee :)

J has lost 4 lbs!

excellent for him! i dont weigh in. im not going to until the end me thinks. thats a lie we know i have no willpower for the number palate we call a scale.

but im going to hold out for awhile to avoid being disheartened.

im excited for him and incredibnly proud. he is doing great!

foooooods

subway 6 inch for lunch and then the rest a couple hours later, banana in the morning, lots of coffee, a glass of champagne and then dinner of fish tacos. heyoh!

i can hardly "weight" to see my new svelte figure.

i be sexy!

vacation

you know what that means.

the recent epiphany of acceptance still holds true. am i sad that i gave in to ice cream today, yesterday and pizza on this trip? yes. only because i have a goal and its gonna get there later and later with each passing meal that i cheat on.

but im still me.

a mother of one, a lover of one, a daughter and a sister.

im me. im beautiful even while gorging on pizza.

also...i think my new ice cream alternative will be bananas with either caramel or chocolate syrup, it tastes like ice cream, i know im eating calories and im not eating a full bowl of ice cream. itd be about 300 calories depending on amount of syrup and banana size, and still cheating but healthier :]

also gonna try and think of ways to coupon and get healthyish things. i can do this business.

i ate like 10 fajitas.

sigh. sometimes i have no self control.

and no it wasnt ten. but it was a LOT. shoooot.

luckily tomorrow is a new day. so i dont care much :]

damn cereal.

not much else to eat...except for oatmeal. but i needed a break from oatmeal :]

but now to find a cheap slow cooker recipe :]

thinking about using this site for it.

http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2009/01/30/the-frugal-magic-of-the-five-ingredient-crock-pot-meal/

also...huluplus has like the old seasons of the biggest loser...HEYOH!

Yesterday...

I ended the day with 3 tortillas with egg whites and a little cheese and some pea soup.

Today...started off with apples and oatmeal with just a little syrup and brown sugar. Quaker oats ftw! Probably gonna do bananas and peanut butter for a snack and some strawberries with splenda for a second snack and some more oatmeal later before I finish the night off with something for dinner I haven't yet decided. :)

Oh and I'm still broke...but picked up a tube of quaker oatmeal for 3 bucks strawberries for 4$, apples for 1$ a lb and some quick things for the bebe. As well as bananas for .59c a lb. :)

I spent 21$ this morning and got enough oatmeal to last me a week as well as enough fruit for healthy snacks to last me 3 days or so. I can do this. Just takes some planning. :)

Back on up

Back at 217 ish.

So going back to mostly raw depending on availability.

Yesterday had all fruits and veggies with some peanut butter on some as a snack.

Today fruit for breakfast and oatmeal for lunch.

Upping my water and just having fun with it. So far this is proven to be a struggle for me which will no doubt be a sweet success story. But I still maintain I love myself...
Lol I'm too broke to buy new clothes!additionally there is much more serious matters to focus on than weight and calories. Its a priority but never again will I let it consume me. I'm grateful for the insight this journey has provided that I may love me for who I am and know I deserve utter happiness.

The person has been repaired, the focus has been redirected and I live for me and my son...not for my weight.

feeling beautiful

went to a game last night with my best friend.

and i bought a slinky new dress that clung to my curves. this picture actually makes me look decievingly small. in reality im not that tiny lol but i am fitter and feeling great.

i felt beautiful and it made me feel amazing.

it always has made me feel good, to dress nicely.

i felt beautiful, sexy.

dont get me wrong, my tights were tight, the dress was a little short, and it rode up and sometimes i felt a little exposed...but its because im getting used to it. this body is relatively new for me.

i have work to go...but i work it in the right clothes and i feel great. :]

holllaaaa

sometimes it gets me down

im not gonna embellish. because it doesnt matter.

im beautiful.

and these days when i feel bloaty and a little less than beautiful...

thats when i must remember...if THIS is me unbeaustiful...how gorgeous am i :]

life is good. im so so blessed.

210

Fit back in my fourteens after a little bit on the "I'm broke" diet. And the scale says 210? Numbers are bitches. But I'm alive and well. Who gives a shit? :)

sigh.

yeah, according to my records that has been my headline a lot.

but its one huge sigh.

id like to say weight loss and accountability are easy but they arent.

heres hoping that certain situations change and things change for the better.

kinda proud of myself

wanted a burger...chose subway instead.

baby steps right?

yes.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1whZxv/ransom.sytes.org/%253Fr%253DbmV2ZXIgZG91YnQgZm9yIGEgc2Vjb25kIGhvdyB0cnVseSBiZWF1dGlmdWwgeW91IGFyZSrL3Yc

Pneumonia pffffft

to celebrate a friends birthday...even if i couldnt be there.

i got all dolled up and put on makeup...and then hacked my brains out.

on a weight loss or lack thereof related note...

turkey chili for dinner

quesadillas for lunch

oatmeal and EW omelette for breakfast

i think i did all right.

should likely consume more water.

Happy Birthday Lady J!

i do pneumonia wrong

i swear...

i hhave had pneumonia for 9 days....and most of those with no apetite. and i still and the same shape.

i was smart ad ate each day anyway, to make sure i wasnt depriving my body, but nothing changed. i dont even know.

im feeling better, thank goodness.

im so so thankful for my health.

those doctors knew what they were doing and are taking good car eof me.

im blessed.

but seriously.

LOSE SOME WEIGHT BODY!

i dont think it helps that i have been a little depressed over a few things. i wish that i could just see where everything is going to end up so that i knew i could get through a lot of my feelings right now.

when it comes to break ups...sometimes i dont think you ever realy break up.

:(

i wish it were different. and its been eating at me the last few days. on top of being sick and holed up for a few days, i just am getting emotional and physical cabin fever.

since ive been home i swear ive been so jazzed just to be here that ive cleaned and cooked and built fires...all of which are not awesome for recovery thats for damn sure.

i wish i could say that the best part of pneumonia is the weight loss like some people...for me though, its the hot doctor and the feeling of recovery. im so so blessed that its almost over!

Pneumonia.

Sickness. No appetite yet I still eat....

thank goodness that there is no nausea or vomiting.

hideous fever half the time. body aches. coughing and chest pain.

but what hurts the most is myh little boy coming up to me wanting to cuddle and make mahmee better, and i cant...because i dont wish this on anyone...especially my baby.

missed lots of work which means lots of monies.

and i havent been the best about my food. but i cant even think. and its not important.

its times like this, when i feel this horrible, tat things are put in perspective.

this beautiful body of mine is fighting an illness that used to kill people.

this beautiful body of mine is fighting and infection that is invading my core.

this beautiful body of mine is fighting, to get better. and its crazy beautiful!

sure i have flaws, but im healthy (for the most part) and im alive. alive!

Intervention

i watched an episode of Intervention with a sweet girl named Amy.

who was bulemic. is bulemic.

some of the stats they showed blew my mind.

for example.

a girl of her height should consume about 2300 calories a day....she consumes over 24,000 and then purges. TWENTYFOUR THOUSAND!

a girl of her age and height should be anywhere from 115-154 lbs (thankfully they used reasonable ranges). this girl is 92 lbs.

they showed her working out, and binging and i was in awe.

how can you not know youre beautiful Amy?

how can you not see the look of pain and love on your family's faces?

how can you reject their longing to help?

you are beautiful.

but this is unhealthy.

man alive i wish people didnt think so low of themselves, that they feel the need to do such things.

we are beautiful.

yeah i have stretch marks.

yeah i have a mom pooch.

yeah im overweight according to other people.

yeah i dont have an ideal bikini body.

yeah ive got "more cushion...."

yeah im chubby.

but fuckitall im BEAUTIFUL : ]

just like you.

please know this.

you're beautiful.

simply beautiful.

Hmmm

Working on myself.

Today I didn't sleep a lot. Have had a handful of chips and 2 six inches from subway.

Water water water.

And have been doing core exercises for days working on my belly.

More to come when I'm home on the laptop.

I lost progress but its coming back baby. Yayah!

:) too many rockstars...or not enough?

day 2...98 days left...jkjk 28 days left

of some basic strength being worked into my day.

just making simple changes....incorporating Plank, Pushups, Squats and stretches to feel a change in my flexibility and work on the ab muscles that i used to work on with my old PT.

gonna workmy way up again to doing more!

gonna do some simple changes for 100 days and see to it that i maintain upward movements.

but in the interest of me sucking at keeping the energy up. i think im gonna change it to 30 days : ] easier time frame? maybe. its like reverse psychology.

what an amazing and incredible feat...

to be at the point, where even before im done losing all the weight i want to lose....

i can say out loud "i feel beautiful" because i truly do. instead of saying it just to be "confident" when inside i cried.

i sure love being me.

this whole thing is transformation.

seriously.

im still about 205 maybe more with recent binging.

and toggling between size 14 and 16.

not much has changed.

but i can say i feel and i am beautiful.

how cool how just growing emotionally and mentally can do wonders on what you think you look like.

: ]

chubby bunny

so heres the sitch.

while watching "i used to be fat" i realized something...

aside from a plateau that i cant seem to break through sometimes....i have an easy time losing weight.

i eat well, i do moderate exercise, i lose weight. my body is accepting. the reason i plateau is because sometimes bodies resist change....but the reason i KEEP the same is because i get angry at my change resistant body and dont keep up on the good behaviors.

the kid on tv lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks.

is this standard? NO.

the girl on the episode before him lost 0 lbs in one week and only like 13 in the first 4 weeks.

is that typical? NO.

but lets be real...each body is different. how can there be a standarD?

all i know is...my body does NOT lose weight when i dont drink all the wateri should, and when i eat sugary foods all the time and when i dont rest.

and yes im acknowledging this on a day where ive had 0 oz of water and a shit ton of rockstar, a rather large bag of reeses and am up til 530 am.

but yknow...realizations are half the battle.

i want something, and i dont want to be complacent and settle or feel okay with making bad choices. ive been craving sweets so badly lately and i give in because i know i dont gain it all right away. and im blessed. but its time to treat my body right, for the things it has done for me.

my body has kept up with me for 24 years.

my body has grown a child.

my body has birthed a child!

my body has kept up with a child.

my body has been healthy and forgiving.

the first 80 lbs came off quite easily...and ive toggled back and forth with about a 7 lb wiggle room since last year round June.

i want to treat my body right.

i want to eat better and do strength and just feel fit.

im obsessed with these shows about weight loss, and while i dont sit there watching them while eating a pint of ice cream...i am violating the point of them when i dont make changes.

tomorrow i need to grab some things from the grocery store....

stuff for my turkey chili

zucchini

sweet corn on the cob maybe?

get those colors back into my diet.

it always felt good to eat healthy and i never had to worry that when i ingulged that it was "cheating".

man i wish i had a week with bob and jillian just to whip me into shape.

but you know, Bob and Jillian are only the next best thing...to doing it myself...without help...for ME.

i love you body and im gonna show you.

thanks for all you've done.

reached out today

to a friend...for some advice.

he also has lost about 80 lbs...

and i was getting a little discouraged.

heres how it played out....im posting this only because i had a temporary weakness...and i needed someone who understood. thats why you guys peruse my silly blog anyway right?

anyway. i like showing weakness...i think it shows strength.

Me:

Losing motivation. Fallen off the wagon a bit the last 3 weeks. And just wanna get these last 25 lbs gone. Its taken so long and it should have been gone already. How do I push through this ridiculous plateau of both mind and body? :( not that 80lbs isn't good enough, but I'm just getting mentally exhausted from the whole damn thing. Ever feel that way?

Him:

Felt that way nearly every day. Its hard when we wired ourselves a certain way for so long to completely change who we are. Try changing something up with your workout and food so its somewhat new. Not easier or harder, just different. But to be frank that you reached out and asked shows you your determination is already there. Run harder walk farther keep pushing. You can do it. Realize how long it took to gain the weight and how fast comparatively you've lost it. The difference is probably years.

its important to have someone something tangible to show that its possible.

because it is.

be beautiful.

be you.

be love.

talk soon interwebs.

yes ive binged

but its okay. ive fallen off the wagon the past few days....er weeks. but ive been stressed and havent cared to cook.

usually an excuse....

this time...valid reason.

but im okay with the slide back ive made. i know it wont be like that forever. :)

Feeling purdy

RESPECT the PROCESS

it IS a process.

i ate a sensible breakfast, minus the fact i used the whole egg for my egg sammich instead of just the whites.

but i had garlic bread, and a lot of it, with dinner.

but i did drink 64 ounces so far today.

and im on vacation with a sick kid....that has to count for something.

the thing that i wanted to pass along today...was that my hope is that everyone RESPECTS the PROCESS.

respect that you will try and sometimes fail.

respect that some weeks youll lose little.

respect the process to not binge when you have a chance.

respect the process to know you will, ladies, bloat when its your period. dont freak out.

respect the process not to freak.

respect the process to feel a little stab of guilt but not freak out with guilt. you can cheat. its okay.

respect the process and drink your water. im horrible at this. but there is MUCH proof your body needs it.

respect the process by respecting yourself.

youll be a lot happier that way. :)

love you.

Honesty...

im going to be honest. i havent been good.

been craving sweets, and given in to them.

im not sad about it.

i can tell you that im averaging around 203 right now, still in my plateau, even when i cave into the temptations. i dont gain much, or lose much. but today im probably packing on at least 5 lbs in water weight.

the pictures below show it all. this isnt my normal stomach anymore. this is concentrated bloat. not from "Aunt Agnus" that i can tell. i feel like i look moderately pregnant from the side. Im NOT fyi :)

it goes to show that the caving in is not the problem. cheating or giving in to temptation will not cause crazy weight gain if done every once in awhile, but your body may have an adverse reaction...also if you havent drank much water in the recent days. i just had about 32 ounces of water, likely more than i had drank in the last 2 days combined. THIS is why its important. because if your external body has such a drastic effect from not having much water, what is happening on the inside?

bodies are beautiful. i feel good. i know i havent progressed much, and i have fallen off the wagon. but still, im me. and ive maintained this "i feel beautiful" outlook, and plan on doing so.

um.

i forgot what i was going to say.

thats all.

This is beautiful me...

i see fat people

yes

i do.

because it helps.

seeing fat people making a change, it helps. fat is looked at to be a vulgar word.

and it is.

but lets just be raw and real and not sugar coat it.

some people are fat. and i love the fat people who dont let themselves stay fat.

Biggest Loser, Tuesdays 8-10pm NBC: a GREAT show. i swear, studies have shown i lose more weight during the 16 weeks of each season than when its on hiatus. these people really sweat and bust their ass, and even if i just stretch during it, you wont catch me sitting there with ice cream. but maybe a carb or two. oh and Bob...you are my soul mate...just saying. im gonna miss you Jillian.

I Used To Be Fat: New show, on MTV. people who are overweight commit to themselves to work out hardcore for about 3 months to make a huge change. they get up early before work, they have a personal trainer, but they DO it. and they are young people! 17, 18, 20. These kids know that they are unhappy and they FIX it. no we cant all have a reality show, but these kids....if they can do it...so can we!

Too Fat for 15, available ondemand under Life & Home>>Style. im sure its available on regular listings, but ive yet to find it : ) /

these kids, ages 11-18, are enrolled at a rather expensive (think 32k a SEMESTER) boarding school called WellSpring Academy where they live, learn eat and breathe a new life in the Carolinas.

There are behavioral coaches to help with the emotional obstacles of these kids, and there are trainers and there are teachers. everything is taken care of, and there are challenges, they let these kids choose to make mistakes so they learn. and these kids get up and exercise, DAILY.

its incredible to watch these transformations of real people before your eyes, and to be motivated by them.

do something.

even if its following JillianMichaels and slash or Bob harper on twitter.

like them on facebook

find someone, something thats you can focus on to inspire you. because you are your number one inspiration, but when you have a down day where you are down in the dumps...youll need a pick me up.

you CAN do this. acknowledge you can and then you will. and know that you CAN finish the race, regardless of how long. you may be able to commit and lose it all in 3 months, or like me you can be facing this labor of love for 2 years and not be done. just be happy and proud of YOU!

as Jillian Michaels said once to one of the contestants: I dont care if you crawl over the finish line, i dont care if its tomorrow, just finish it.

love you guys.

Checking in

been doing eh.

what do i mean by that?

ive had a couple times where ive gotten a little crazy and binged a little, not gonna lie because lets face it, who reads this? and wat do i gain by lying to strangers anyway.

i reread the blog a lot, and its almost reassuring that i have my ups and downs because it means there is always an end to a lull i get myself into but also its a little sad that i dont seem to have the willpower to maintain positive progress.

ive met someone.

and i spend a lot of time with him.

he is a wonderful man, and he thinks im beautiful, and i feel beautiful. i love who i am, and how i look.

its nice to feel myself around someone. i feel like a lady. not that i didnt in previous relationships, ive always felt beautiful and believed them when they said it. but i feel comfortable in my own skin as ive grown this past few months since ending my engagement with my sons father.

but i see myself differently. i feel beautiful, flawed, but beautiful.

no makeup, in sweats.

i just feel beautiful.

but ive been eating sensibly. when i go to subway, lets face it, i DO eat there a lot, i can actually put aside my 6 inches thats left and just let it sit until a couple hours later when i will finish it.

:) i have willpower and confidence. my body hasnt changed much since last time i posted, and seeing as how i spend a lot of time with this wonderful man, i havent worked out or gone to the gym to use that free membership which is gonna expire in 2 weeks, or even done my power walk around the waterfront. but im being more sensible. water, lots of it. i picked up a water bottle from WinCo that has a dial for how many bottles ive drank, and i fill it a couple times a day and try to get my water in. aside from a few binging indiscretions i have learned more about my abilities with portion control.

i drink coffee, but cut out the liquid creamers, and though i still do go to dutch brothers a little too much and even opt for the full fat full flavors every once in awhile, im sensible.

i like feeling in control of this. i know if i had just ate my pride and boredom and maintained my strength and consistency i could have lost at least 10 lbs in the last 2 months, but im okay with that. i havent stepped on a scale since my doctors appt on dec 7th, because its not about numbers. its about how i feel.

and i feel sexy, i feel beautiful. i feel flawed but just right, and thats a huge growing piece on my part.

im still a work in progress. i DO still want to lose the full 100 lbs.

it was hard to reread an earlier entry and see that my goal to lose that 100 was supposed to be done by May or June of last year. but my resolution for 2011 has nothing to do with weight.

its to do more for others than i do for myself.

its to be happy in any and all things.

its to love myself and love others with wreckless abandon.

love isnt about acceptance of who you are, its embracing who you are and loving yourself because youre you.

its not saying "im okay with how i look" its saying "im beautiful" without adding a "but" or an "in spite of" at the end of it.

i love myself. im beautiful. with no strings attached and no catches.

:)

im going to be more responsible, but in all things i just need to know its okay no matter how i look.

and you too.

be healthy.

if youre overweight, work on it. but dont be hard on yourself.

biggest loser is back thank goodness. i love when they have seasons back to back because i feel stronger and motivated.

today i have eaten 8 inches of a footlong for lunch and then the other 4 a few hours later and im going to eat a turkey sammich for dinner.

i was tempted to get something sweet like ice cream or cookies, or fulfill my craving for a whole loaf of french bread with butter. i resisted! im living life, and life doesnt revolve around food. food is the energy for life, and it doesnt rule mine. its just for sustenance and not just for enjoyment anymore.

life is good friends.

LOVE it.