just a reminder....for me...and for you

an updateish thingyy

sooooo i wish i could say a LOT has changed and ive suddenly been dropping weight like flies (odd thing to say, this i know and subsequently dont care:] )but NO.

i can say i have lost a little, and damn straight too! today is monday June 25th. as of tomorrow i will have been sick for 2 weeks. one week with a flu, the next with a head cold. lots of chicken soup lies in my recent past, and lots of expulsion of nutrients. lots of clear liquids and lots of fruits and veggies when i could eat.

i lost about 4.5lbs in the last 4 weeks ish. im trying to tell myself to not get too excited because some of that s water weight, but some is me. i HAVE made smart choices (i now start my day with a fruit smoothie, and we're talking fruit. iwill start adding some nonfat yogurt to get some calcium and probiotics in there, but its very fresh and very filling! this said, if i am hungry, i eat a little after). until i got sick i was walking/jogging (okay who am i kidding it was VERY little jogging and MOSTLY walking) about 5/6 days a week.

I carry my 15 lb baby everywhere, and wear her when i can. Ive got 3 new pairs of shoes over the last 4months aimed at optimal fitness impact.

i still technically breastfeed exclusively, even if that excusivity comes by way of my medela.but with an output of 35-50oz a day depending, id say it should still count dammit.

i make exercise wherever i go. i dont want it to get boring, so if i dont wanna walk my nightly walk...damn it im walkign around walmart for an hour. SOMETHING.


MOVE may MOVE.

so as it stands as of last wednesday, i weighed myself (right after the flu as the head cold started) at 257.something. which is 31 lbs lost since the day i had my girl. the original plan was 88lbs in 44 weeks. i figured it would be reasonable. im way behind this by about 13ish lbs, right now. so instead lets go by the old adage "it takes 40 weeks to put it on, give it forty weeks to come off". this should mean that in 40 weeks i should lose 60 lbs. so 4.5 months in im halfway to my smaller goal.

i DO get discouraged. but i still hold my ability to accept and embrace the challenge. kind of. :) i want to see results, i understand that some things i do wont get me there, or they will set me back (like when my throat hurt so bad my dinner was a pint of ben and jerrys pb and banana frozen yogurt....in record time mind you). but i accept these things. its not over til its over, and every decision i make is just part of it. that pint set me back 3 days in my mind. i dont beat myself up. i really only beat myself up when i am being good and nothing happens....but if i had the choice, id rather beat up someone else. you feel me?

ill post pictures later. when im in a better mood. although...its about time to pump, and the ladies look great! when its time to pump, my waist always looks smaller :)

be real, accept your reality, and change it if you dont like it. its up to you.
until next time.

Shut up skinny may

oh what a horrible week.

imma keep it short. 

this week was fucking depressing. 

why? oh...LET ME TELL YOU. 

so a friend came over. someone who hadnt seen me in months. (this statement alone had me doubting my importance in her life. best friends dont go 12 weeks between visits.)

when mentioning i had an appt to check and see what was wrong with my reproductive organs since delivery she asked, with her foot in her mouth mind you, "would that be why your belly is still swollen?"

i was so taken aback i couldnt retort the many thoughts in my head "no im just fat." or "no...i just had a baby a few months ago." or "what.the.hell."

see...ive cut out most dairy since my girl is sensitive. i eat relatively healthy. no fast food or lots of processed crap. i walk/jog/run every day. even when i DONT wanna go walking or running, i make myself...even if its to the mailbox or walking around walmart. i DO it. i was NOT happy to hear that basically my body hasnt changed since she saw me 12 weeks prior. it was hard to not break down while she was there. after she left...i bawled. 

to add insult to injury the appt with the OB was today to check on why i was having problems. 

i stepped on the scale. 

ONE lb. in EIGHT weeks. 

thats it. 

all my sacrifices and work. 

for ONE LB. 

stupid. 

i cried. a LOT. 

then broke down and went to buy something to wear. all i have is nursing tanks and yoga pants. 

i had busted out my fat clothes box....nothing in it fit me :(

to my surprise i was NOT going to fit in an 18 like i suspected. 

(keep in mind i was a size 12 in January 2011.)

i was NOT even a TWENTY. 

a twenty two. 

from 12-22 in a year and some change. 

how disheartening. how irritating. how mind numbing. 

everyone says "you did it once you can do it again"

no shit i did it once. i remember. it sucked. most people dont have to do the whole routine twice. 

why do i have to? because my body sucks at being pregnant? it cant just grow with the baby it has to grow around it?

as quickly as my fetuses cells multiply...so do mine? its dumb. 

im mad. 

im pissed.

im bummed. 

but i STILL exercised today. 

SCREW YOU DOUCHEBAG BODY!!!!!

I am BETTER than YOU!!!!

im NOT a fat girl. 

this BODY is NOT who i AM!

i heard once the quote "you do not have a soul. you are a soul. you have a body."

this makes sense. i am not a fat girl. 

i am a beautiful person that got fucked over with a shitty body. it has been beautiful and amazing many a time. and it will be again. 

years ago on my sons blog 

(www.dear-julian.blogspot.com)

i promised him by the time he was two he would have a slim, svelte, healthy mamma. 

i followed through. 

fortunately the following year gave him a sister!

unfortunately the following year also gave his mom all her weight back. 

so i commit the same to my daighter. my beautiful girl. the most perfect thing that could come from this wretched weighted body. 

my soul will prevail, Maya. 

and i will be healthyf or you and brother. i will show you soul has more determination than body. 

and i will be me all around. 

much love.