After a friends reaction to seeing me (not positive) and my pants not fitting, I weighed myself and it was bad.
I gained 6lbsish.
I'm just defeated.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
discouraged again?
so i tried on yet another pair of jeans today, and was very upset when the button wouldnt even reach its holey counterpart.
is my body betraying me? Who knows.
for the first time im really doing it right, giving myself great workouts and really good nutrition and im still having trouble.
I also had some stomach pain today, had just worked out my core real good 2 days prior and I have a gnarly shin splint that might be causing some water retention. So we shall see.
i felt defeated today but instead i sucked it up, went to the gym, and burned about 1200 calories and did some strength training.
My feet are ACHING!
is my body betraying me? Who knows.
for the first time im really doing it right, giving myself great workouts and really good nutrition and im still having trouble.
I also had some stomach pain today, had just worked out my core real good 2 days prior and I have a gnarly shin splint that might be causing some water retention. So we shall see.
i felt defeated today but instead i sucked it up, went to the gym, and burned about 1200 calories and did some strength training.
My feet are ACHING!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Discouraged?
Im not weighing in. (not for lack of temptation!)
Im not measuring (not for lack of trying; i just cant find my tape!)
Im trying to see just fitness goals and how my fitness is evolving.
In 15 working out days (of the last 17 days) Ive been able to bring my mile time from around a 15 minute mile (probably just prior laziness) to a 12:17 mile.
I can run a little, jog a little, and finish 3.1 miles (a 5k for all you who are wondering) in under 45 minutes.
So why am i discouraged?
While trying to avoid seeing something negative and just focus on how my body is behaving, I have accidently found a bump. I needed to run anerrand today and i reached for the nearest pair of jeans. Now its been warm here, so I havent worn jeans in about 30 days. I have worn tights or dresses or skirts or shorts, no jeans. so I expected them to fit the same, maybe even a little looser, right?
WRONG.
they felt tight with my very own very familiar muffin top.
i immediately felt discouraged. they were so uncomfortable I had to take them off and find another outfit to wearand its been on my mind all day. My fingers feel swollen and my legs too. They feel stretched and uncomfortable.
I KNOW i need to keep at it.
thanks for my Accountability Partner Adam (even long distance friends can help weight loss!) he sent me this: http://blog.shareitfitness.
and I feel a bit better. so much so that even though I was ANGRY at Gym. I stillwent and did some good cardio before coming home. I didnt do even a full 60 today, but I figure, i came, i went, i saw, i mini conquered, and i will defeat this defeat.
its only been 17 days.
theres plenty of time to see the new body emerge. :)
Thursday, July 18, 2013
changing my mind and not just my body.
i have a lot to work on.
not just the concept of changing my body, but also my mind. largely, the mind is getting worked on every day because of The Wall. Hitting it and going past it really helped.
but here i am, 12 days in, and i have to take a day off because of my foot. I must have overextended it or something during a tall incline or to my run yesterday when i ran my first timed mile (normally i dont care about timing that much).
but i KNOW i need a break. and because I have this complex that says that if im not doing cardio, its not progress, i feel like i need to be raising my heart rate at all times. I NEED to get past it.
days off are okay.
just because i take ONE DAY off to let my body recover, does not mean ill undo any progress or fall off the wagon. i need rest.
I havent been the best mother today due to lack of sleep, and while the alone time to recover and get my patience back might be helpful, i think that working out and not getting enough sleep has hurt me in my mental clarity and effectveness. time for a break, but it wont defeat me.
just a reminder.
something i put on fb about my postpartum body and outlook on its appearance:
Im 17 months pp my second child, my beautiful girl. Im grateful for her, because of her i started truly looking at my body in a different light. While i do currently push towards a more fit body, i no longer look at the scale, no longer have a goal weight, and no longer allow myself to put myself down. how disparaging it is to say negative things, which does nothing to hurt the body in which they are aimed at, only the mind inside. I truly do embrace the parts of my body that wont change no matter how fit i get, the new breasts that nourished both her and my older son and their younger sibling when we expand our family, and these stretch marks that cover the midsection, little marks to remind myself of the incredible bond we got to share, 40 weeks prior to anyone else. i LOVE this body. Im working on making it stronger, but no longer do i focus on how much it weighs only what it can do. because ive seen it do some downright AMAZING things, and I am excited to see more. I want my girl to look at me in awe and wonder and see someone strong and dedicated to myself as well as her and her brother and father. that starts in me and has nothing to do with my body so much as it does my heart, my words, and my effort.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Name Change for the Game Changer
I decided to change the name. after a few years it seems silly, not that i have a roving list of followers.
but if im to expect this is real, i must treat it like this is the final chapter of weight loss and health and fitness and entering a new chapter of "life as it should be."
so here onward it shall be called Hitting My Wall!
this is a new focus. a new life. a new hope. a new dream. a new dedication.
i wont let me down!
but if im to expect this is real, i must treat it like this is the final chapter of weight loss and health and fitness and entering a new chapter of "life as it should be."
so here onward it shall be called Hitting My Wall!
this is a new focus. a new life. a new hope. a new dream. a new dedication.
i wont let me down!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
some starting numbers
even though my buddy and i arent counting numbers, not weighing it, and really striving for fitness, i wanted a restarting point.
so here are some :)
ReStarting weight: 230
BMI Results:
so here are some :)
ReStarting weight: 230
BMI Results:
| The result of your BMI calculation is: 34.0 | |||||||||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||||||||
just something to reflect on later :)
Monday, July 15, 2013
The Wall
This post is very scary for me to write, simply because im terrified ill have to eat my own words later. but it needs to be written, a reminder in the future of where Im at now.
I hit my wall. that wall where everything ive wanted but made excuses for really just ran over me.
for days, weeks, months, years ive been making excuses for not going creazy over this health journey.
I didnt eat organic and clean because "it's too expensive".
I didnt work out because "I dont have time, I just CANT run, I dont have the money for a gym membership, I bet if I eat healthy Ill lose the weight."
I looked for the way to lose weight without the work and made excuses for when my body didnt comply.
"I plateaued! I dont know what happened!" (what happened? I didnt work HARD ENOUGH.)
"I weaned, and I gained a lot of weight back." (this is true, but its because nursing was burning about 500 calories a day, so when i weaned and didnt burn those 500 calories elsewhere, i gained 3500 extra calories in a week if i ate the exact same amount.)
"Ive been eating healthy and I just am not losing weight. I dont get it." (I get it now, I NEED exercise.)
Its hard to admit when im wrong, as it is for most im sure.
But i hit the wall. the wall that says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH."
Ive hit a smaller version of this wall before; defeated in dressing room stalls crying over ill fitting clothes i would get this determination that would last a week only to wane. When I stepped on the scale and saw a gain, Id hit a tiny wall and say "im done!" when I would look at pictures taken of me, without my keen eye for specific thinning angles, i would say "no more!" but those walls were so tiny, and my love for life and doing things outside of working out prevailed. but there comes a time in many peoples lives when you hit THE WALL.
this wall is where you look at yourself, call your own bluff and say "Its Time." you change your eating habits, you buck up and get it done.
Now I will say last year I hit an only slightly smaller wall. I had this tiny precious baby girl who needed a role model. needed an example of what a healthy, happy and beautiful woman looked like. and that was all on me! J and I worked out and consistently and i lost 82 lbs. Somewhere along the time, im guessing in the winter when I couldnt bike ride as much, I lost the momentum and fell into other habits. Add in hormonal fluctuations from nursing, and then the somewhat of a depression i fell into over the weight gain and the weaning this May at 15 months (nursing is a mess of hormones, albeit the most wonderful thing, and when you wean, especially before youre ready it can cause a jumble of emotional highs and lows. next baby I know so much more now, and will be able to accomplish all of my nursing goals).
But this time, its a more powerful, all encompassing wall. My baby girl is getting older, appreciating and embracing a love of food, and she needs to see these things early on. my boy is 4, and at an age where i can teach him why exercise is good. he values time with his learning toys, and playing inside (ive never been much of an outdoorsy girl either so i can appreciate it) and i need to instill in him healthy habits and also show him what a hardworking woman looks like. He needs to see dedication, determination and following through.
So i buckled down and got a gym membership.
Theres a gym in town that offers a really cheap monthly rate (20$ a month) and allows for 1 guest every time you work out. they dont offer things like concessions/juice bar or child care, its just a big room with motivational quotes and workout equipment. no swimming pool, no sauna, no basketball courts. just treadmills, ellipticals, free weights and weight machines, stair masters and stair glider climber devil things. there are stationary bikes and different areas you can go for abs and for circuit training. its just simple. and i knew that if i was going to do it, it HAD to be simple. it HAD to be something I could do WITH someone. SO i recruited a few of my friends to go with me, and have a list and a backup list. A couple people have chosen not to come, and thats fine. they didnt hit a wall, I did. this is MY wall.
But i have worked out. 8 days in a row. I intended on only 3 days a week, maybe 4 or 5. but no, ive gone 8. I feel good there. I have refrained from showing too much excitement for this newfound energy and excitement, because to be honest im scared ill fail myself again. that ill make excuses. that ill be on a high for a week or 3 weeks and then make excuses. even though im making progress and am paying fora membership for a year.
Also, ive set different goals. After watchign Chris Powell on Extreme Weight Loss, specifically an episode with a gal named Jami, I decided to say "SCREW THE SCALE." and not weigh in for at least a month. on that episode Chris fixed Jami up with fitness goals, not weight goals. and she worked hard, pushing her mile time, pushing her weight lifting limits, running faster and farther, and jumping higher and going longer.
so i decided i would too. If i am brutally honest with myself I will admit i am one to say "I cant run. I dont run." when in all honesty, I just HATE it and am not conditioned for it. so ive started it. its my "get me in line" workout. i HATE IT. but i want to see what this body can do. it gave me 2 beautiful babies. it grew them, delivered them, recovered from them. there is no reason it cant run for longer than 30 seconds simply because it makes me breathe harder and it doesnt feel great.
after just 8 days I can PROUDLY tell you I jogged for 22 minutes straight yesterday. TWENTY TWO. I can tell you with certainty I have never run longer than maybe 5 minutes before hand. I just kept myself going by reminding myself that my body was NOT giving out. I WASNT getting Dizzy or lightheaded. my legfs were FINE they were just being WORKED. I wasnt dying, i was living. Have you ever said that during a rough workout? "I feel like im dying". its melodramatic for sure. and its false. we are LIVING when we do these healthy things.
additionally, after that long jog (which ended up being 26 minutes out of 33 being jogged) I got onto a stationary bike and rode for 13.72 miles, the equivalent of a half marathon. Im really thinking a small inner goal of mine will be to do a "gym marathon" where i bust out over 26.2 miles on different equipment. Ive gotten to about 16 so far in a day so thats a start!
Im also setting a couple other attainable goals.
100 workouts. I need to get to 100. if i work out 100 times in the next i dunno 6 months or so, Ill be in good shape. even if i get there and only do 20 minutes, its still going.
another goal? Id like to actually get the body ive been talking about. not at 185 either. because lets be honest, ive made excuses for holding myself back "i could NEVER be 150." I COULD if i wanted to and worked hard enough. instead, im setting no weight goals. I think im just going to get this body healthy.
My husband has been WONDERFUL in letting me out every day. i remind him "i know im sacrificing hours in our weeks together but im trading them in for more years in our days."
its hard, but im hopeful.
I am scared ill peter out, but Im working towards a goal.
and im not going to let it slip away without a fight.
WHen yuou hit YOUR wall, let me know. I want to hear your stories, and trake your burdens. even if you dont find this for YEARS down the road. show me your wall.
be healthy and well!
I hit my wall. that wall where everything ive wanted but made excuses for really just ran over me.
for days, weeks, months, years ive been making excuses for not going creazy over this health journey.
I didnt eat organic and clean because "it's too expensive".
I didnt work out because "I dont have time, I just CANT run, I dont have the money for a gym membership, I bet if I eat healthy Ill lose the weight."
I looked for the way to lose weight without the work and made excuses for when my body didnt comply.
"I plateaued! I dont know what happened!" (what happened? I didnt work HARD ENOUGH.)
"I weaned, and I gained a lot of weight back." (this is true, but its because nursing was burning about 500 calories a day, so when i weaned and didnt burn those 500 calories elsewhere, i gained 3500 extra calories in a week if i ate the exact same amount.)
"Ive been eating healthy and I just am not losing weight. I dont get it." (I get it now, I NEED exercise.)
Its hard to admit when im wrong, as it is for most im sure.
But i hit the wall. the wall that says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH."
Ive hit a smaller version of this wall before; defeated in dressing room stalls crying over ill fitting clothes i would get this determination that would last a week only to wane. When I stepped on the scale and saw a gain, Id hit a tiny wall and say "im done!" when I would look at pictures taken of me, without my keen eye for specific thinning angles, i would say "no more!" but those walls were so tiny, and my love for life and doing things outside of working out prevailed. but there comes a time in many peoples lives when you hit THE WALL.
this wall is where you look at yourself, call your own bluff and say "Its Time." you change your eating habits, you buck up and get it done.
Now I will say last year I hit an only slightly smaller wall. I had this tiny precious baby girl who needed a role model. needed an example of what a healthy, happy and beautiful woman looked like. and that was all on me! J and I worked out and consistently and i lost 82 lbs. Somewhere along the time, im guessing in the winter when I couldnt bike ride as much, I lost the momentum and fell into other habits. Add in hormonal fluctuations from nursing, and then the somewhat of a depression i fell into over the weight gain and the weaning this May at 15 months (nursing is a mess of hormones, albeit the most wonderful thing, and when you wean, especially before youre ready it can cause a jumble of emotional highs and lows. next baby I know so much more now, and will be able to accomplish all of my nursing goals).
But this time, its a more powerful, all encompassing wall. My baby girl is getting older, appreciating and embracing a love of food, and she needs to see these things early on. my boy is 4, and at an age where i can teach him why exercise is good. he values time with his learning toys, and playing inside (ive never been much of an outdoorsy girl either so i can appreciate it) and i need to instill in him healthy habits and also show him what a hardworking woman looks like. He needs to see dedication, determination and following through.
So i buckled down and got a gym membership.
Theres a gym in town that offers a really cheap monthly rate (20$ a month) and allows for 1 guest every time you work out. they dont offer things like concessions/juice bar or child care, its just a big room with motivational quotes and workout equipment. no swimming pool, no sauna, no basketball courts. just treadmills, ellipticals, free weights and weight machines, stair masters and stair glider climber devil things. there are stationary bikes and different areas you can go for abs and for circuit training. its just simple. and i knew that if i was going to do it, it HAD to be simple. it HAD to be something I could do WITH someone. SO i recruited a few of my friends to go with me, and have a list and a backup list. A couple people have chosen not to come, and thats fine. they didnt hit a wall, I did. this is MY wall.
But i have worked out. 8 days in a row. I intended on only 3 days a week, maybe 4 or 5. but no, ive gone 8. I feel good there. I have refrained from showing too much excitement for this newfound energy and excitement, because to be honest im scared ill fail myself again. that ill make excuses. that ill be on a high for a week or 3 weeks and then make excuses. even though im making progress and am paying fora membership for a year.
Also, ive set different goals. After watchign Chris Powell on Extreme Weight Loss, specifically an episode with a gal named Jami, I decided to say "SCREW THE SCALE." and not weigh in for at least a month. on that episode Chris fixed Jami up with fitness goals, not weight goals. and she worked hard, pushing her mile time, pushing her weight lifting limits, running faster and farther, and jumping higher and going longer.
so i decided i would too. If i am brutally honest with myself I will admit i am one to say "I cant run. I dont run." when in all honesty, I just HATE it and am not conditioned for it. so ive started it. its my "get me in line" workout. i HATE IT. but i want to see what this body can do. it gave me 2 beautiful babies. it grew them, delivered them, recovered from them. there is no reason it cant run for longer than 30 seconds simply because it makes me breathe harder and it doesnt feel great.
after just 8 days I can PROUDLY tell you I jogged for 22 minutes straight yesterday. TWENTY TWO. I can tell you with certainty I have never run longer than maybe 5 minutes before hand. I just kept myself going by reminding myself that my body was NOT giving out. I WASNT getting Dizzy or lightheaded. my legfs were FINE they were just being WORKED. I wasnt dying, i was living. Have you ever said that during a rough workout? "I feel like im dying". its melodramatic for sure. and its false. we are LIVING when we do these healthy things.
additionally, after that long jog (which ended up being 26 minutes out of 33 being jogged) I got onto a stationary bike and rode for 13.72 miles, the equivalent of a half marathon. Im really thinking a small inner goal of mine will be to do a "gym marathon" where i bust out over 26.2 miles on different equipment. Ive gotten to about 16 so far in a day so thats a start!
Im also setting a couple other attainable goals.
100 workouts. I need to get to 100. if i work out 100 times in the next i dunno 6 months or so, Ill be in good shape. even if i get there and only do 20 minutes, its still going.
another goal? Id like to actually get the body ive been talking about. not at 185 either. because lets be honest, ive made excuses for holding myself back "i could NEVER be 150." I COULD if i wanted to and worked hard enough. instead, im setting no weight goals. I think im just going to get this body healthy.
My husband has been WONDERFUL in letting me out every day. i remind him "i know im sacrificing hours in our weeks together but im trading them in for more years in our days."
its hard, but im hopeful.
I am scared ill peter out, but Im working towards a goal.
and im not going to let it slip away without a fight.
WHen yuou hit YOUR wall, let me know. I want to hear your stories, and trake your burdens. even if you dont find this for YEARS down the road. show me your wall.
be healthy and well!
Monday, July 8, 2013
fed up...again.
so lets start with the positive!
I got a gym membership.
20 a month
i can take a guest with me every time
open 24 hours
the negative, im doubting myself. its like that friend that you are so used to douching out on plans you dont even believe them anymore...thats me. im my own friend. im telling myself its time to lose weight and my inner me is laughing. "okay...we've heard that before!"
but i know my key is support. so having this membership to a gym thats open all day and i can take a friend of family member...i can do this right?
I have lined up my brother and 4 friends that like the gym that dont have memberships already and i have a rotation and a pretty much guarantee that i have a friend with me to push me.
it worked. first day back i went with my brother. wanted to stop running at 10 minutes (lets be honest it was a LIGHT jog and sometimes walk) and i went for 18. until i moved machines.
I went to the gym with my sister recently, she kicked my ass and showed me this gym im now a member of.
i can do this. i know i can. i just need motivation. so instead of a lbs lost goal right now, i have a workout goal...100 workouts.
im down to 99 :) going tonight and tomorrow and plans for wednesday and friday. even just small workouts...its okay. i can do it.
still eating relatively healthy..i say relatively because i know my coffee intake borders unhealthy :) but its homebrewed! :) still eating organic produce, no red meats, and mostly gluten free. not losing weight from it, bhut i know i need exercise to make it count.
bottoms up, time for water and then the gym!
hope that i prove it to you for real this time so this blog isnt an embarrassment in internet archives :)
ReStarting weight: 228.8
lets do this!
I got a gym membership.
20 a month
i can take a guest with me every time
open 24 hours
the negative, im doubting myself. its like that friend that you are so used to douching out on plans you dont even believe them anymore...thats me. im my own friend. im telling myself its time to lose weight and my inner me is laughing. "okay...we've heard that before!"
but i know my key is support. so having this membership to a gym thats open all day and i can take a friend of family member...i can do this right?
I have lined up my brother and 4 friends that like the gym that dont have memberships already and i have a rotation and a pretty much guarantee that i have a friend with me to push me.
it worked. first day back i went with my brother. wanted to stop running at 10 minutes (lets be honest it was a LIGHT jog and sometimes walk) and i went for 18. until i moved machines.
I went to the gym with my sister recently, she kicked my ass and showed me this gym im now a member of.
i can do this. i know i can. i just need motivation. so instead of a lbs lost goal right now, i have a workout goal...100 workouts.
im down to 99 :) going tonight and tomorrow and plans for wednesday and friday. even just small workouts...its okay. i can do it.
still eating relatively healthy..i say relatively because i know my coffee intake borders unhealthy :) but its homebrewed! :) still eating organic produce, no red meats, and mostly gluten free. not losing weight from it, bhut i know i need exercise to make it count.
bottoms up, time for water and then the gym!
hope that i prove it to you for real this time so this blog isnt an embarrassment in internet archives :)
ReStarting weight: 228.8
lets do this!
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