this is getting old...lets try something new....

im not a fan of this whole ordeal.

i weighed myself today.

either my last weigh in of 28#s lost was wrong, and it was actually only 18#s lost...or ive gained 10 lbs. i really want to believe that it was the former. but really is either of them a positive story? regardless the reason, i have 90 lbs to lose to my real goal.
i just feel defeated sometimes.
im 270 lbs.
EW!!!!!

i NURSE EXCLUSIVELY!!! I CUT OUT ALL DAIRY!!!
 i should be getting some help with this shit man!
im concerned my post partum thyroiditis has returned. im also concerned it hasnt.

J bought me the biggest loser game. ill be starting it on a day that ISNT 80 degrees out. (hey oregon. i LOVE the rain!)
i also made a good choice tonight.
i had a sammich (no cheese) and a banana for dinner.


the most disgusting part would have to be the walking.yesterday we went on a walk to the fire station for a birthday party. i carried Ms carseat the whole way, so i was walking with about 15lbs in my arms, and wearing flip flops. not a good choice. but today, my legs HURT.
i feel lame that my legs hurt.
short stupid walk.
stupid legs.

GET IN SHAPE!
without me trying hard dammit.
yeah its irrational. but what do you expect?
ive already fought this fight once. i hate that i have to start over.

but you know what? i have the CUTEST excuse for starting over again.


i love my maya narae.

i ate chocolate.

i shared some of a pb and chocolate bunny with my son.

it tasted horrible and i felt horrible (physically not emo or anything).

i dont plan on doing anything like that again.

what a great feelign that ive been eating so well my body doesnt like crap :)

also...new rule...

NO TWO.

no 2 of anything on my plate, no 2 burgers or hot dogs or garlic breads or sodas or treats. no seconds unless im truly hungry.

One.

i remember the truly simple days of raw food eating. i cant do that now by any means since im trying to hold on to any supply at all (trying to increase it in fact and im losing steam!). but i felt so REFRESHED. mentally clear. healthy. and just so clean and pure.

i miss that! i know it didnt provide enough to healthily feed myself and the mammaries...so i choose my daughter first and then ill get back on the raw lifestyle later.

anyhow. just updating.

be free and be healthy friends.

today

cereal for breakfast with soy milk that i didnt drink.

a fiber one bar. yummmm.

too many handfuls of jelly beans. (i know i know.)

dinner was subway, chicken breast on wheat no cheese lots of veggies.

a few more unneeded jellybeans. (i KNOW i KNOW.)

i was still hungry so i ate a canteloupe. YUM.

we went shopping today. healthy choices (save for Js peanut butter cups, that i cant eat anyway because of no dairy...so im off the hook).

i tried to make easter a candy free one. little js basket was candy free from us, but was spoiled by grandparents. sigh. now its here everywhere! tomorrow he gets a couple more pieces, and then its getting tossed!

anyhow. i forgot to submit this. so it was still open. youll be pleased to know i tossed most of the candy. i did have a slight issue today. upong hearing bad news about my daughter at the doctor (more on that later) i was in a HURRY to grab food for the company we had and pick up my husband. so i bought burger king. DAMMIT!

yeah i made a bad choice.

but being pissed wont change it. only changhing tomorrow will help.

be accountable.

be strong.

be happy.

be loved.

Barf.

okay.

so im not seeing progress.

for some reason i keep thinkign the weight should FALL off simply because my baby is 2 months old.

NO.

its been 8 weeks since i had a baby. i PUSHED a HUMAN from my PERSONS.

come on M!

thats a HUGE thing! my body has been through that trauma TWICE. and while its natural...it takes some adjusting.

ive still not quite mastered breastfeeding.

im still adjusting to a sleep schedule.

im tired.

and ill be blunt, im still bleeding from the recovery period, which MUST mean my body is NOT DONE RECOVERING.

give yourself a break woman!!!!

these pics were taken April 5th.

here are some from last night: April 9th.

youre beautiful if you think you are.

please. think you are, people!

thats all. i need to rest!

ciao for niao!

um oops?

i drank.

a lot.

rockstar, cranberry juice, cherry rum and pineapple juice.

nothing really "low cal".

oh well.

it was a good relaxing night.

im not gonna hate on it.

besides, its not ONE night that got me this way....it was a LOT of One Nights.

remember that.

and dont hate on yourself.

blarga blarga blarga.

im not happy wth how things are going really.

ill update with pictures later but im disheartened.

i had an appt today and i got weighed.

28 lbs is gone. i know thats great. 28lbs 7 weeks. thats 4 lbs a week average. but lets face it...most of it came off in the first few weeks because i POPPED OUT A BABY. so its not steady. im grateful its gone. but my body is not changing.

i keep trying to tell myself GIVE IT the 44 weeks you planned.

but i WANT IT GONE. :(

additionally i wont go into detail, but i had some issues and basically they stem from taking on too much so far.

my body isnt ready.

mannnnn.

im trying.

180.

thats 80 lbs away.

it feels SO FAR.

RAWR.

i know i know.

drink your waters. (havent been so good about that.)

dont give in to sad eating (i did today and i regret it).

and WAIT. be PATIENT. (im not).

it WILL be gone.

it IS coming off.

just WORK, WAIT, and RELaX.

khljaknmsdjkvbnalskdjfn.

okay. im done for now.