links to pictures!

the day i birthed julian - 281 lbs

ten days after birthing maya  288 lbs

and some updates!

April 2012

226 lbs

215ish

August purple shirt

 212 - wearing skinny jeans and boots! WHAT?!

November 212 more realistic :)

November - 212 (slightly decieving picture lol)

December Face :)

I have NEGLECTED YOU! eeeeek!

well to be honest i have also neglected myself.
i got in such a rut that i worked hard in november and didnt lose anyting THE WHOLE MONTH. then suddenly, in early december, 4 lbs DROPPED off of my persons rather suddenly, and welcomely. however i got complacent as one does on super long projectsand it came back. im now holding steady at 212 again.
a few things that have changed? i stopped eating fantastic because nothing was happening...well after those 4 lbs came off i didnt get exactly remotivated. so getting back on will help.
also its winter. in oregon. something i LOVE but means that its hard to exercise. and im nto just making excuses. its too cold to exercise WITH the kids, and by the time my husband is off work and i could go..its dark and im a weenie.
my poor bike hasnt been ridden and i want to! i need to find something.

Biggest Loser starts back up in Jan! with Jillian and Bob and Dolvett i bet ill shed a few lbs.

im a "groomslady" in one of my best friend Matt's Wedding on june 15th. im setting a goal. here and now. December 19th, 2012 that in 6 months at his wedding i WILL be 180 lbs or better.

he deserves beautiful wedding photos and as a girl im already going to stand out in them, i should be at my best shape! its very important!

i have some support and help in this.
i have 4 challenges and support going right now.
Emily - started when i was 232 goal to get to 50 lbs lost. whoever wins gets free drinks!
Amanda - whoever gets to 180 first gets drinks! (im not an alcoholic i sweari just didnt want it to be a challenge for dinner or anything like that)
Kim - my sister and i are at a race to lose 13 lbs (that would put me around 199) by my girls first birthday.
Melissa - we are both on a mission to support each other as we seek out the coveted goal weight and body of that of a 175 lber. we can do it! you know, if we put our backs into it. :)

i know what i want and i deserve it.
yesterday i was eating HORRIBLY, like it was my "before" life.
graham crackers with peanut butter and marshmellows, pb and banana sammiches. (I LOVE PEANUTBUTTER).
just not good stuff.

also...here is some TMI. enjoy :)

i recently invested ina  hopeful tea, (3 ballerina tea) to aid in my digestion. you may have heard of it as a dieters aid, but i assure you i am not going that route, i simply want to have a bit of a cleanse. my system needs that shock, it needs that assistance to get back on track. it has been sluggish and slow and uncomfortable.
unfortunately, despite rave reviews about its crazy "side effect" of making a person cramp horribly and relieve themselves within about 6 hours...that did NOT happen to me. there was no drastic need to run to the restroom where i would stay for an hour...nay, this did NOT happen. i tried a second day...nothing. sigh.
one day maybe when i up the fruits and vegetables again.

im doing amazing at water drinking! i get in quite a bit now. that makes me happy. i dont drink or need Mio or any flavored water beverage.

im just doing well, and why fuckit up because i got complacent? i KNOW that if i keep working, the body will come. look how far ive come already! time to get back on the horse so i can not be a cow anymore. im worth it! :)

hmmm update?

wellllll lets see. things have been a bit hectic here some days, calm the others. 

im 212 now, 76 lbs down! but i havent budged in weeks and today being thanksgiving im SURE didnt help. thats okay. 

a friend recently sized down (yay for her and also i wont lie im jealous of her 20 lbs smaller than me frame!) and she gave me all of her size 16 and XL clothes...they all fit fantastically...matter o fact, i successfully wore a flattering pair of size 16 skinny jeans...ive never worn a pair before and i was nervous, but i dig em! 

i havent been able to exercise...correction, havent found MUCH time or much motivation with it being so rainy, i cant ride my bike much, and i have the littles with me all day so my options are limited to WALKING. which isnt bad but i want more than that! 

im sure ill find a balance and maybe get motivated to play my biggest loser game or something. 

actually thats going to help! biggest loser is coming back on and i always seem to lose weight watching every week. :) 

i have been doing full time school, "work" which is really an unpaid volunteer internship thingy, and mothering and somedays im ehausted and some days i have no time for me things, thats okay im enjoying things! 

i chopped off my hair, and im amazed at how much thinner it makes me look. i for sure thought the opposite. but no no, it shows off the work ive done in my shoulders and it shows off the work ive done to my jawline, MUCH more flattering than my hair before which left my face looking chubby and my shoulders more broad! and j loves it...cant go wrong there :) 

i havent been tracking, and i can tell that has played a role in my plateau, also it seems like i plateau every 10 or so lbs, so i know its just the process. for sure though i was NOT responsible foodwise this thanksgiving...and im expecting a 1 lb return as well as a couple lbs of water weight from the sodium and just lots of food to digest. 

im learning a LOT in my nutrition class, the hardest class ever mind you, and im trying to incorporate it. we'll see how it goes :) 

im excited for the next 7 months. my best friend gets married in June, and I will be there obviously, and likely wearing a svelte pants suit, so i have no choice but to look amazing! :)

anyhow, thats whats been up here. i promise you few readers this, that i WILL get better at tracking and get some exercise in and im going to get my goal...complacency has no place in health :)

Gettin there! Down 74 from delivery!

Komen race for the cure - first family 5k!

For you, Miss Kathy.

sigh, i wish that i could say this post will be 100% positive. but it starts from a real dark place.

a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.

but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.

FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.

nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.

ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.

but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.

so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.

im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.

this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.

additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.

for you miss Kathy.

im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.

bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.

thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.


much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.


RachelMay.

Self portraits

Because when you SEE skinny...you gotta embrace it :)
i glanced in the mirror and suddenly my chin wasnt a fat chin..it was a "im gettin thinner chin".
my hair was "playfully bedheady" and i felt pretty.


could also be the vicodin from the freak injury i had yesterday.
but im gonna say its me...being gorgeous!:)

revelation. and big changes.

im in a bit of a rut. a lot of things really. 

a weeklong plateau. 

learning to be consistent with food. 

taking a nutrition class and learnign things id rather not know.

and personal things causing big impacts. 

first off. im 219.6

ive lost about 68.6 lbs. 

ive got 39.4 to go to my "goal" of 180. 

ive decided to change it. 

i dont want a goal number. i just want to be healthy and work on my body until it decides that it is where it should be. my body knows best, not i. 

im using the information im learning and i am going to be healthier. 

eating MUCH more fruits and vegetables. 

a friend of mine is going through a crazy time. his wife, who is 26, has cancer. there is no easy way to say it, any not horrible way to say it. but she doesnt have much longer. as of rigt now, they are estimating that she has days. its super hard to watch him go through this from afar. 

(side note, i was recently just given word my own biopsy came back benign. so i feel very re-evaluate-y)

she is 26. pretty healthy looking (prior to her treatments) and she didnt have any reason to worry. any reason to believe at 25 she would be diagnosed with cancer that would basically be the end of her life. shes beautiful. she married the love of her life last year, and shortly after was diagnosed, with a wonderful partner at her side. 

she had everything goign for her, and then disease took that away. ive spent a lot of time reflecting for her, for her husband. 

and also for myself. 

i keep putting myself where she is at and it is heartbreaking. it just makes me appreciate my health. appreciate my body. appreciate nutrition and doctors and options. 

i have choices i can make, every day. 

i can CHOOSE to drink a lot of water. 

i can CHOOSE to have veggies instead of chips. 

i can CHOOSE to have a smoothie instead of a burger. 

i can CHOOSE to walk, even when i dont want to. 

i can CHOOSE to take my bike instead of the car. 

and i can CHOOSE to make this my life, and the example i set for my children. my Maya. my Julian. they deserve to grow up KNOWING about how to treat their bodies. and how to love it. and love themselves and take care of themselves.

not that there was anything K could have done to prevent her cancer. it defied all the odds and statistics and still afflicted her. but i can take charge of what i CAN control. 

and i CAN control how I treat MY body. 

and im GOING to treat it WELL. 

and this transformation will be mental too. 

negative thoughts are another type of disease. having compalints all the time is exhausting and tiring and hurtful. it brings nothing constructive. 

im going to give, more than i ever have before. it doesnt take money to be a giver. it takes compassion and doing WHATEVER YOU CAN with WHAT YOU HAVE. 

im going to continue to pump for my daughter. it gets TIRING. it gets exhausting.  i have school full time, and volunteering and work study. and sometimes i just want to quit. i am 100% pumping, and she doesnt nurse. sometimes i just dont feel like its fair! but its important. its a way i can do as much as i can to protect her from cancers, obesity and childhood illnesses. and it protects ME. by nourishing my girl, i lower MY risks of certain cancers too. 

im going to keep at it. itll be worth it.

im going to walk. bike. crawl. anything to be active. 

yesterday i walked 6.1 miles. 

and i felt pain in my chest. how scary! nothing serious, 

i could just tell my body wasnt used to it. 

but its a harsh reality. 

my body was made for moving and for living. and its not moving efficiently. 

dang it. 

im fixing this. 

i was given this beautiful body, and its broken. 

so im fixing it. 

more on this later. :)

fdklashjifjnasfilghl

so...

quick recap. 

imagine my happiness to find that i was able to lose a couple more lbs before i could really get back to exercising. the past few days have been awesome: i walked on wednesday for over an hour. biked today for nearly 10 miles, and biked last night for 3. ive been eating well. 

(ive been loading up on fiber and its not helping much...ahem!!! so im feeling a little bogged down, bloated. icky.)

then last night. we had sushi. i ate veggies rolls and some salmon. nothing bad. but of course the sodium wasnt healthy. and all day i have felt so effing uncomfortable...and today im packing on much more daily weight than normal. WTF.

im just feeling so irritated. WHY is it always one step forward, 2 steps back? i know it will eventually come off. but it really makes me wish i could throw in the towel when it does this shit. 

sklafnklajnksbjfvnsknrg. 

(mental note. i weighed in at 220 on Thursday. i weighed in at 228 today. i KNOW its water. there is NO way its anything else. but still. FUCKIT.

that is all. 

kbye.

RESTLESS.

just walking by and i couldnt help. my periphery saw this...and it cringed.

omg.this is oddly reminiscent of the immediately post partum pictures.

shudder.

lookit that epic side roll!

so before you say anything let me start by saying im UNBELIEVABLY gracious for the doctor i have, and that i am confident the result will be benign. i just have a feeling (one i hope is right!). the tumor that was in me is now NOT in me, sitting in some biohazard box somewhere rotting and dead. 

but lets be honest, i feel gross. i feel chubby and thick and big. its hard, because this was an internal procedure. there is no external incision to speak of. but the bottom line is the doctor artificially opened me up, took a camera, a hook, and a torch and removed a tumor and cauterized the lining.  the INSIDE of my organ took a beating. and my entire body is reacting. hey, rachel. remember when you had a BABY? and your FACE swelled and your FEET swelled? its all connected.even if it doesnt seem right, your body is doing what it feels is the best defense, and it WILL get better!

i KNOW its the surgery. but what part of trying to better your health doesnt want to be in tip top shappe at all times? bottom line is my HEAD looks at this and says...DONT COMPLAIN IF YOU ARENT GONNA GET UP AND FIX IT! but then i know i CANT get up and fix it. its a horribly vicious cycle. one which i am aware of, but i have to wait it out and trust the process. 

another side of me thinks...maybe this ISNT swelling and THIS is what i REALLY look like. and Who was i kidding when i thought i looked thinner? 

its just this devil side, the fat side, that doesnt allow me to see the thin. 

im going to beat this inner demon. 

i CAN do this. 

this IS temporary. 

i AM stronger. 

i am HEALTHIER. 

poofy swelly floofy belly

gah. 

so im trying to keep a level head, but i want it to be on the record that my post surgery weight skyrocketed to 239.8. on thursday 09.13.2012 i was 225 (226 as of my appt time) so i gained a total of 14.8 lbs. 

i was so worried about this that it put a real damper on mine and my sweets anniversary. 5 years, yesterday! 

and he looked SO handsome in his date outfit, i was just smitten. 

but i felt so beneath him, you know i felt so fat and unattractive and like my word was undone. and in that moment it is VERY hard to tell yourself it will go down. its hard to tell yourself its TEMPORARY and its hard to believe you wont have to do it all over again. its amazing how different i think i looked. 

                                               here is a picture from last Sunday 09.9

 here are some from our 5 year, Sunday September sixteenth 2012 :]

look how AMAZING my partner looks! he has lost 35 lbs!

i was recovering from surgery, and still nursing, and it was our anniversary, so we didnt track. we had small indulgences, we dont regret it. i spent a lot of the day internalizing my feelings. i was so uncomfortable in my skin. i felt so...unhealthy! i felt as though i looked pregnant. i was wearing a cute maxi dress, that just seemed to fall at the wrong spots. its such a beautiful dress otherwise.

i know itll go away. i know it. whether it falls off like it should or i have to rework off those 14.8 lbs, i will make them go away. 

i cried inside, and had to hide my insecurities until they simmered down long enough for me to overcome them and have a great time with him. he is wonderful, and im so grateful we are going from fat to healthy together. 

this is just my proof. this will be one entry i look back on and say "ha. it went away!"

:) 

237?!

Yes, friends. 237. That's an increase of 12 lbs. How? You ask?
Surgery.
Friday morning at 9am I underwent a surgery to remove a (likely benign) tumor from my uterus.
The result? A thumb sized tumor out...and 12 lbs of fluids and swelling in. I won't lie, its hard to see. Because as those numbers don't move, I feel defeated, set back, sad. But the rational part of me says NO. These lbs WEREN'T there before. They are NOT mine and I WONT be keeping them.

Ill keep you posted. This just goes to show you that those fluctuations are normal and can happen, and bodies react to trauma in different ways. Be that trauma a period or a surgery. Keep in mind also, this was MINOR surgery. From admitting to discharging I was there for 5 hours.
Ill let myself freak if these lbs haven't left in two weeks.
For now...I'm celebrating my health, and a tumor I'm NOT gonna miss.

L'chaim.

90Day JustMove UpDate :]

so to update from a previous entry from 11 days ago:

90Day JustMove Challenge

soooo where am i at now?

ohhh no big deal. just 66.70 miles into my 180 mile challenge. 1/3 down, and only 11 days in!!!! hory mory!!!

i SO underestimated myself. im learning my abilities and it is AWESOME.

also...down to 227.

i LOVE bicycling!!!! :)

:) NEKKID.

to what do you owe this wonderful display of partial nekkidness? 

oh...you know...just a milestone. 

my towel goes all the way around. and doesnt leave a little slit where my body is visible. 

and here is a clothed one. :)

its a "thin day". 

how often can we say that?! 

after a WHOLE week, in which i didnt update and you should be HAPPY i didnt, i lost a little. 

my last good weigh in i was 228. along with scale troubles (exchanged it) and an illness causing a grip of water retention and stomach distension, i had actually, in the course of the last week, seen 239 pop up on the scale. 

anyhow. weigh in this morning, and voila! 227! 

hopefully we see more downward movement!

for now...no towel nekkies!

What Your Poop Says About You | The Savvy Sister

http://sisterearthorganics.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/what-your-poop-says-about-you/

90Day JustMove Challenge

two thoughts to begin this blog.
1. a couple years ago i started a "month long marathon" and fizzled out between work and everything but this time, ive got accountability partners!
2. Ive got friends from all over embarking on 90daychallenges. be it Body by Vi, weight watchers, P90X, JillianMichaels. they are doing things. now seeing that my motto is JustMove i thought, lets do it. JUST MOVE. in any way you want. MOVE. log distance. GO THE DISTANCE. 
now 90 in 90 is too easy. i can easily log 1 mile a day on a bike and not break a sweat. i want a challenge. i want to go out every couple days and do 5 miles. 7. 10. 
so i doubled it. now honestly i wanna see if i can beat it...and then see how far i can go in 90 days :]

we'll see!



starting today. August 26th. ending November 25th.
90 day Challenge!

180 miles in 90 days. by way of Bike.Run.Walk.Crawl.Swim.Anything. 

today day my love and i logged 7.84! 172.16 and 89 days left to go! 

starting weight; 232.00 lbs.
ill do measurements one of these days :]

"During" Photos. :]

there are befores. there are afters. but what about the DURINGS? if we focus so much ont he AFTER we will lose sight of the progress we have made THIS far in, and maybe lose hope and motivation. and lets face it...no hope, no motivation while trying to lose weight? thats a shitty combo right there :)

so while perusing for things in the mess that is my garage i came across some tubs i had packed once i got pregnant and my body started to rapidly expand. :)
there are three sections.
Tinier (16-18ish)
More Tiny (size 14-16 ish)
and SUPER tiny. (size 12-14ish)

the super tiny were the clothes i fit into around 195lbs and when i got to my lowest.

its hard for me to think that 12-14 has been my smallest, even harder still to think that i am 231 lbs and so far away, but while i cant see much progress on my body itself since i look at it every day, it was nice to see physical representation fo weight loss. something tangible that shows my progress and when i look back on them again in a few weeks or months, will show continued progress.

here are some DURINGS, folks.
(forgive my underpants, i still dont really have jeans that actually fit)

this is gonna look SO cute in like 15 more lbs.

i bought this last year, it already looks better than it did then lol

 my boobs are kinda crazy though, so im gonna need an undershirt.

 but by golly this is gonna be so cute soon!

 this fit last year while pregnant, its still too tight for me to feel comfortable wearing out of the house. but its improvement!

 i am SO close to making this look SO good! just a few more lbs!

 my stomach. im so mad at it. yes it grew two BEAUTIFUL babies. but it also keeps that pregnant shape and its so hard. i look 14 weeks pregnant in most of my cute shirts :( but i know it takes time...

 this is a HUGE win for me. 2 years ago for christmas i bought my brother and i matching sweaters. i bought him a black one size XL, i bought myself a Black one size M and then this one, a size S. yes. s. for SMALL. not s for surpriseingly chubby! :] anyhow. upon coming home from the hospital after having my girl, i was cold,and reached for my jacket. guess what? the XL didnt fit. the EXTRA LARGE MENS JACKET DID NOT FIT. and here i am wearing a snug but fitting SMALL. :)

 this dress i wanted to wear to the country fair last july. i was already 2 months pregnant but i shouldnt have gained too much weight since i was throwing up everywhere. but this still wouldnt zip. my entire skeletal system had already expanded to make room for that beautiful girl, and it wuldnt zip. so while im about the same weight now that i was then, it fits! it zips! its cute :)

 this one will take some work. but im surprised it fit at all! ill have to link up to the old photo where i bought it and it fit beautifully. but ill get there. this is a during. this isnt an after.

 DAMN BELLY!!!

 forgive the boobs. i cant hide them. anyway. this dress i boguht last year. about the same weight. it zips it fits. its cute. as things tighten and get smaller, itll look better. but hey...baby steps!

be kind :]


dont forget your during. its more important than your before, and its  astep before your after :)