without realizing it...

i have drank almost 2 gallons of water today.

holy crap.

i feel good, i feel energized. i did have to take a vicodin or pain...maybe thats why i didnt notice my intake. but its been helping my digestion and my mood. i feel good. still fatigued...but dude...im pregnant :] im excited to stay strong on a topic of committing to making healthier choices for my baby. after all, everything my body does runs of water...including the fact that my baby swims in it....water can only be INCREDIBLE for her :] im a boss :]

love you baby girl!

motivation.

hard work.

determination.

Damn he's hot.

those are the things runnign through my mind when i see these pictures.

and then i remember...

if he were here he would tell me

STOP making excuses.

do what you can do REALISTICALLY without harming yourself or your child.

dont lose weight. its not all about being skinny. its about HEALTHY CHOICES that CHANGE MY LIFE. that MAKE ME the BEST MOM and allow me to grow a HEALTHY girl.

:]

i love you bobbo. (i miss you jillian...)

Explain later.

okay. its later.

this was me in december of 2005.

this was 2 months before my friend Shane passed away.

that is when i gained the real weight.

in this photo i was probably about 180? maybe 170?

the angle isnt the best but there are a few pictures throughout this blog from the same era.

i have finally identified that it was that event that catapulted me. i couldnt heal physically because in 2007, Jesse died. in 2009, Andy died.

it did nothing but perpetuated it.

i was able to get to 195 from dec 2008 to feb 2010 and im GOING to do it with this one. ill need prayer and willpower and strength. ill need my family there with me. ill need a lot to get through and not falter. but i wil. with my love and with my beautiful kids. i can get through it.

:]

food for the day

to keep myself accountable...im gonna jot down my foods.

breakfast was frosted mini wheats.

lunch was a breakfast sammich with eggs and ham on a bagel (shouldve gotten egg whites for the protein...but i did need it for other things lol)

dinner, i realized that i somehow now have an aversion to cheese and i ate a sammich and a half, lettuce tomato and turkey :]

it was SO good. i eat only a little extra (300 extra calories are all thats needed per day in a healthy pregnancy) and i use them mostly for snacks and a little larger dinner to get me through the night that im not eating but my baby still needs nutrients.

its hard for people to understand that im not dieting. i eat plenty of calories, all healthy...okay MOST healthy, and im been working on drinking waters, up to a gallon a day.

they think because im pregnant its stupid of me to watch these kinds of things.

but i find it all the more reason.

i shouldnt just eat whatever i want. my daughter does NOT benefit more from a dinner high in fat and calories as opposed to a balanced meal without the additives.

yes i drink soda, but i drink whole soda, so im not putting aspartame in my body.

i drink coffee, usually black, and i try to limit it most days.

i dont eat copious amounts of desserts or sweets. and i try to eat sensibly.

i wish people understood.

i didnt wanna gain 70 lbs with jude.

i dont wanna gain a ton with this one.

i wont diet, i wont go crazy exercising. but pregnancy doesnt give me a pass to be irresponsible...after all...i gained 70 lbs with jude...and he was less than 8. the rest of those lbs were full of water and accountability. for sure :]

i love my little girl. and im giving her healthy and nutrient rich foods to be proud of :]

motivation.

The Biggest Loser on Hulu AND ON netflix? LOVE IT! now i have ALL THE SEASONS!

so im tryign to be healthier. i want it so badly.

today my love and my son and i went on a 25 or so mijnute walk around the neighborhood to be healthy and then i played with my resistance bands!

i need to keep up with my waters.

water water water.

i need it.

Maya bean needs it.

and my future self needs it.

i feel her rolling around in there, and knowing ive kept her healthy the last 23 weeks is SO rewarding.

at this point knowing she could come and have a chance, even a slim one, of being healthy. but im being responsible with this precious life.

also, on our walk with the boys today, i tried to jog, tried to run...the intense pain and pressure on my pelvic bone was too much.

i wont lie, ive never been a runner, but i can watch TBL every day?! my own history shows that i am much more successful of leading a healthy lifestyle during TBL seasons :]

i can do this.

and you know what...you can too.

after i showed a friend of mine the blog, i got motivated to read back. i was reading feelings i havent touched on in 10-16-18 months even...and it motivated me. i WILL NOT be sad. my life is incredible and my weight does NOT impact my mood that much. im motivcated, im happy. im gonna be successful damnit.

Piece de resistance.

Resistance bands.
10 on ebay for 5 with 4 handles.
10 for shipping.

Used em 20 minutes today and felt the burn. :)
LOVE it!

I can still tone and work it without losing.
Love you baby.
Love you body.
:)

baby fat

So as ive mentioned before i have gained mroe weight than i have wanted, and i have been eating a LOT healthier.

ive been keeping myh eye on the prize, a healthy baby girl come february, and then a plan of attack to get rid of whatever i gain.

i acknowledge that it is not put on overnight, but over 40 weeks, and so whatever i gain, i resolve to lose in 40 weeks. i know that my baby eats what i eat, and am trying to fill it with good stuff. i refuse to be sad that i am feeding myself, my body and my baby with greens and wheats.

i know where i can improve. its my beverages for sure. i crave drinks! juices and mt dew (i know i know i can hear jillian michaels getting pissed at me from here) and the fact that while my body doesnt agree with warm cheap low calorie at home coffee...its totally in agreeane with frappuccinos. ive been doing no whip and non fat but still...i need to cut down. so i will.

my body is telling me what it is going to do for my baby. im going to trust nature and not my confused brain.

as long as im giving it good fuel and being more active...and making sure to get in my water, i know i will be successful. the goal is keeping this little precious girl in there for longer, so she can grow.

ive made it through almost 23 weeks, and i feel SO good knowing that if i can make it through another 1-5 weeks...heaven forbid she comes early...there is a chance. it may eb one in a million, but there is a chance she will be all right.

the longer the better. i dont have any reason as of yet to think that she will not stay until 37 weeks. but a friend of mine recently delivered, for no good reason, at 27 weeks...and i need to be prepared for the unpredictable.

today i do Yoga.

i should have been doing it more in the last 23 weeks, instead of only once. but i have 17 weeks left until my due date.

17 weeks left until Feb 14th 2012.

i have 17 weeks of yoga and healthy eating and good choices to make to impact my daughter and change my life to give her the best shot possible.

love this positivity.

i have had to take vicodin for some torn muscles and muscle spasms for the last 1.5 weeks. i havent even taken one today and i feel cloudy and slightly out of it. time to wean myself off and see how im feeling.

i dont like this foggy haze im in.

im keeping my head int he game, watching biggest loser and talking to people, making healthy choices.

i need some Green Giant Steamers...those things are awesome. great, thanks Bob Harper, now im freaking craving cheesy broccoli.

watching season 7 and seeing Tara Costa, knowing that in 2008 i believe, she was on this show at 294 and she JUST completed an Ironman...this is so incredibly motivating, she won 8 challenges and never fell below the yellow line. she lost double digits almost every single week. she worked HARD. Kristin from this season lost all this weight, at over 300 lbs down to a healthy enough weight to get pregnant and have the baby she wanted so badly.

the winner of this season was Helen, a woman in her 50s! how incredible all of this is.

eeeesh!

okay so its been awhile. sue me, im pregnant.

no joke ive been eating pretty healthily. i have no desire for ice cream or chocolate, and have only had sweets like that maybe a handful of times in this pregnancy. ive craved salads and tomatoes yet still ive gained more than my share. i truly believe, without any excuses, that this is how my body reacts to pregnancy. i will also admit that i have not exercised much. with back pain and nausea and now a holy moly head cold, it sucks balls to do anything exercisey.

but im keeping my mind on the goal...growing a healthy baby. after that the plan is establish a good milk supply, and after i know ill have milk to nurse with, then i will be working towards losing the weight.

i have a lot of plans in place and accountability...ive joined a weight loss board online to mingle with people on their journeys so that i can keep my eye on the goal for the next 6 months, and ive got buy in from Jamie to work out with me and really get dedicated. since ill have put on a majority of the weight in the 10 months of pregnancy and the 3 months before that when i emotionally ate, im going to work my butt off and keep a realistic goal. if it took 13 months to put it on...i should expect it to take that long to remove it. of course though, i will be working out as if it wont take that long ;]

also ive got my sister on board, though we live miles and miles apart, a whole state even, i love how excited she is to do this with me! she even said that she would start now and work on this until i could.

jamie and i agreed to take Before photos the day we officially start. ill take one a week after i have the baby (to allow for reduction of swelling) and then another 4 weeks later when we start really getting on it as my official before picture, and then one a month until i reach either 175lbs or a size 10-12 whichever comes first. i know where i look good, im not focusing on a number specifically but that range is where i feel best. i like curves and meat on my bones.

and to whoever created the BMI calculator that says my ass should be 145lbs at 5'9" screw.you.

im beautiful and healthy heavier than that. and i love me :]

ill keep posting my foods and holding myself accountable over the next 18 weeks of pregnancy.

fo now imma go back to watching episodes of biggest loser (miss you jillian!) and making plans and healthy choices for me and my baby :]

chow fo now.