frustrated.

why?

because im chubby. still around 210 with nothing to show for it.

and its my fault. im not going to make excuses.

i have the ability to go a week without smoking but i cant stop eating crappily and just lose the rest of the weight.

its time to get this off and im tired of feeling this way and saying the same thing over and over again.

biggest loser finale.

it always makes me feel like today is the day!

but it really is.

see, the other day i ran and walked a lot! and i found a love and apprecation.

watching the transformations today of Sam, Koli, Stephanie, Oneal and SunShine...it just solidified that i can do it. and i can have that moment.

its been 3 days since i watched the episode of dr oz on cancer.

also havent smoked in 3 days.

im so determined.
how can i look at my child and not do EVERYTHING in my power to preserve my quality of life to ensure i do what i can to be here with him! i may not live forever and i dont know when my tme is up...but it wont be without a fight...or something i can control...if i can help it.

i have 33 more lbs to go. less than 6 months i can be there :]

motivation s welcome!

obese again...wtf?

209.

yeah not happy about that.

watched dr oz today. silly bob harper. but i did learn a lot about preventing cancer.

from here on out im eating healthy and being active and really going to work on not smoking.

boppa has cancer and is being treated with something related to tuberculosis.

i registered for school.

my ex bf and ex bff got married today.

my laptop broke.

my mind is exploding sometimes with all thats going on, but i will get through it.

i have a Julian. an amazing Julian.

and i can make it all happen.

anything for him.

33lbs to goal! i just took a 15 lb detour :]

all right its time.

time to get back on the wagon.



in other news.


i went to the community college and took another step.

did the fafsa in february.

enrolled as a student in march.

and today i took a placement test.

as expected i earned a 98 in writing, a 99 in reading, and a 62 in math.
thats right folks. im going to have to take high school math.
sigh.

tomorrow i go to see if i can get enough financial aid.

im really hoping and praying.
i want this. for me for julian for jamie for my family.

this could be good.


Praying!

ugh

yep ive been bad. i know ive been bad, so i havent weighed myself in over a month or whatnot.

i dont want to. the only reason i keep writing on here when i do is in the hopes one day i come back from this and this hurdle is just another chapter in a success story lol.

i quit my job.

im looking into going to school and STRESSED about it.


i want such a good life for my baby boy, and its up to me to get it, i just am scared ill choose the wrong way.

im having and learning more faith as the days go by.

thank God for my son and my wonderful man who is standing behind me and his family :]

im in love, and im just living day to day learning whats in store.

getting better at eating better again, and working on planning life for a family that will grow and will be proud of me.


life is good.

even if it is a little chubby :]