Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
For you, Miss Kathy.
sigh, i wish that i could say this post will be 100% positive. but it starts from a real dark place.
a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.
but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.
FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.
nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.
ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.
but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.
so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.
im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.
this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.
additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.
for you miss Kathy.
im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.
bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.
thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.
much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.
RachelMay.
a good friend of mine is going through his own personal hell.
his beautiful wife Kathy, has just passed away after an insanely brilliant battle against cancer. diagnosed right after her 25th birthday, she was found to have stage III uterine/cervical cancer. at TWENTY FIVE. she had cancer before her 25th birthday. thats just bananas. anyhow, this beautiful woman courageously and fearlessly fought back against it, and documented her thoughts
here on her blog.
from diagnosis to her passing was less than a year, and what started as a very hopeful "this can be cured" plummetted to a possible "2 years" with a possibility of overcoming it.
she found herself on vacxation, and very hopeful, with her husband in early september, and she left this world on October 8th. it spiraled so quickly. i dont have much of the details after her last post, as its not something i wanted to discuss in detail with her husband as he struggled for hope, positivity, and light.
but it made me rethink EVERYTHING.
ive been worrying about a number.
ive been worrying about WEIGHT.
"nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" i would think.
FUCK THAT.
im done with that mentality.
nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels.
and there is nothing healthy feeling about downing a pint of ice cream when your sad.
there is nothing healthy about eating a whole bag of chips.
there is nothing healthy about a 16oz steak being polished off in one sitting.
there is nothing healthy about soda.
there is nothing healthy about the fat ive allowed to collect on my body.
there is nothing healthy about it.
there is nothing healty about how i USED to live.
ive been at a standstill. ive been retaining water for some reason unbeknownst to me and up until NOW i was FRUSTRATED.
but instead of getting angry the numbers arent going down. i am PRAISING that i am ALIVE.
and instead of anger, im concerned. why is my body feeling the need to hold on to this? am i putting something in it that it is upset about? is it needing more from me?
i need to start looking at my body as what it is. my BODY. this thing that gave my children life. that gives ME life. it contains my heart, my organs, my lungs, my everything. i get ONE body.
so for the last few days ive been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, raw foods.
ive cut the rockstars out. (i admit, im keeping coffee...but in my defense, lots of studies show coffee to be a good addition to a healthy diet at times!). im drinking tons of lemon water every day. im eating GOOD foods. cutting out the wheat (in case its an intolerance, but also just to be more organic and healthy). im watching my body, listening to my body, and i know that by LIVING HEALTHY, i will, as a byproduct, get thinner. and that will be icing on the metaphorical cupcake.
im going to live, to honor her. i did not know her well; i only met her a couple times through her husband. but i followed her blogs to answer questions i was too scared and concerned to ask her husband. and im going to do things the way she does. im going to live. no more bargaining "i can have this...i deserve it" kinda mentality. im going to go someone what off the grid in calorie counting, and only track things that arent 100% in line with healthy eating. why trasck a pear? why track an apple? im not going to look at these foods as anything other than fuel.
this body was gifted to me. im going to treat it right, because my soul cant stay on this earth without it.
additionally, i need to be healthy to give myself to others: as a surrogate (if that is still possible) as a bone marrow donor, as a blood donor, anything i can do for others from my own body, im going to do.
for you miss Kathy.
im going to live right. im going to take care of this body. im going to teach my baby girl to look after hers. im going to be an example.
bless you. bless your fighting spirit that i am adopting. bless your family, your husband. bless YOU. you are wonderful, and you will never be forgotten. i can see your mark on this world. and im taking a piece of you for myself. maybe crocheting those preemie blankets you mentioned? maybe just taking some pins off your pinterest and making them come to life for someone :)
im going to take you with me, and im going to fight the cancer for you and wear that peach ribbon.
much love Mrs P.
thank you for showing me that i shouldnt wait. i shouldnt wait for that eye opening moment to change my life. i shouldnt focus on thin. i should focus on HEALTHY. and give myself what I and my body deserves: and that is simple: a Long Healthy Life.
much much love and eternal respect.
rest sweetly.
RachelMay.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Self portraits
i glanced in the mirror and suddenly my chin wasnt a fat chin..it was a "im gettin thinner chin".
my hair was "playfully bedheady" and i felt pretty.
could also be the vicodin from the freak injury i had yesterday.
but im gonna say its me...being gorgeous!:)
Thursday, October 4, 2012
revelation. and big changes.
im in a bit of a rut. a lot of things really.
a weeklong plateau.
learning to be consistent with food.
taking a nutrition class and learnign things id rather not know.
and personal things causing big impacts.
first off. im 219.6
ive lost about 68.6 lbs.
ive got 39.4 to go to my "goal" of 180.
ive decided to change it.
i dont want a goal number. i just want to be healthy and work on my body until it decides that it is where it should be. my body knows best, not i.
im using the information im learning and i am going to be healthier.
eating MUCH more fruits and vegetables.
a friend of mine is going through a crazy time. his wife, who is 26, has cancer. there is no easy way to say it, any not horrible way to say it. but she doesnt have much longer. as of rigt now, they are estimating that she has days. its super hard to watch him go through this from afar.
(side note, i was recently just given word my own biopsy came back benign. so i feel very re-evaluate-y)
she is 26. pretty healthy looking (prior to her treatments) and she didnt have any reason to worry. any reason to believe at 25 she would be diagnosed with cancer that would basically be the end of her life. shes beautiful. she married the love of her life last year, and shortly after was diagnosed, with a wonderful partner at her side.
she had everything goign for her, and then disease took that away. ive spent a lot of time reflecting for her, for her husband.
and also for myself.
i keep putting myself where she is at and it is heartbreaking. it just makes me appreciate my health. appreciate my body. appreciate nutrition and doctors and options.
i have choices i can make, every day.
i can CHOOSE to drink a lot of water.
i can CHOOSE to have veggies instead of chips.
i can CHOOSE to have a smoothie instead of a burger.
i can CHOOSE to walk, even when i dont want to.
i can CHOOSE to take my bike instead of the car.
and i can CHOOSE to make this my life, and the example i set for my children. my Maya. my Julian. they deserve to grow up KNOWING about how to treat their bodies. and how to love it. and love themselves and take care of themselves.
not that there was anything K could have done to prevent her cancer. it defied all the odds and statistics and still afflicted her. but i can take charge of what i CAN control.
and i CAN control how I treat MY body.
and im GOING to treat it WELL.
and this transformation will be mental too.
negative thoughts are another type of disease. having compalints all the time is exhausting and tiring and hurtful. it brings nothing constructive.
im going to give, more than i ever have before. it doesnt take money to be a giver. it takes compassion and doing WHATEVER YOU CAN with WHAT YOU HAVE.
im going to continue to pump for my daughter. it gets TIRING. it gets exhausting. i have school full time, and volunteering and work study. and sometimes i just want to quit. i am 100% pumping, and she doesnt nurse. sometimes i just dont feel like its fair! but its important. its a way i can do as much as i can to protect her from cancers, obesity and childhood illnesses. and it protects ME. by nourishing my girl, i lower MY risks of certain cancers too.
im going to keep at it. itll be worth it.
im going to walk. bike. crawl. anything to be active.
yesterday i walked 6.1 miles.
and i felt pain in my chest. how scary! nothing serious,
i could just tell my body wasnt used to it.
but its a harsh reality.
my body was made for moving and for living. and its not moving efficiently.
dang it.
im fixing this.
i was given this beautiful body, and its broken.
so im fixing it.
more on this later. :)
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