this week was fucking depressing.
why? oh...LET ME TELL YOU.
so a friend came over. someone who hadnt seen me in months. (this statement alone had me doubting my importance in her life. best friends dont go 12 weeks between visits.)
when mentioning i had an appt to check and see what was wrong with my reproductive organs since delivery she asked, with her foot in her mouth mind you, "would that be why your belly is still swollen?"
i was so taken aback i couldnt retort the many thoughts in my head "no im just fat." or "no...i just had a baby a few months ago." or "what.the.hell."
see...ive cut out most dairy since my girl is sensitive. i eat relatively healthy. no fast food or lots of processed crap. i walk/jog/run every day. even when i DONT wanna go walking or running, i make myself...even if its to the mailbox or walking around walmart. i DO it. i was NOT happy to hear that basically my body hasnt changed since she saw me 12 weeks prior. it was hard to not break down while she was there. after she left...i bawled.
to add insult to injury the appt with the OB was today to check on why i was having problems.
i stepped on the scale.
ONE lb. in EIGHT weeks.
thats it.
all my sacrifices and work.
for ONE LB.
stupid.
i cried. a LOT.
then broke down and went to buy something to wear. all i have is nursing tanks and yoga pants.
i had busted out my fat clothes box....nothing in it fit me :(
to my surprise i was NOT going to fit in an 18 like i suspected.
(keep in mind i was a size 12 in January 2011.)
i was NOT even a TWENTY.
a twenty two.
from 12-22 in a year and some change.
how disheartening. how irritating. how mind numbing.
everyone says "you did it once you can do it again"
no shit i did it once. i remember. it sucked. most people dont have to do the whole routine twice.
why do i have to? because my body sucks at being pregnant? it cant just grow with the baby it has to grow around it?
as quickly as my fetuses cells multiply...so do mine? its dumb.
im mad.
im pissed.
im bummed.
but i STILL exercised today.
SCREW YOU DOUCHEBAG BODY!!!!!
I am BETTER than YOU!!!!
im NOT a fat girl.
this BODY is NOT who i AM!
i heard once the quote "you do not have a soul. you are a soul. you have a body."
this makes sense. i am not a fat girl.
i am a beautiful person that got fucked over with a shitty body. it has been beautiful and amazing many a time. and it will be again.
years ago on my sons blog
i promised him by the time he was two he would have a slim, svelte, healthy mamma.
i followed through.
fortunately the following year gave him a sister!
unfortunately the following year also gave his mom all her weight back.
so i commit the same to my daighter. my beautiful girl. the most perfect thing that could come from this wretched weighted body.
my soul will prevail, Maya.
and i will be healthyf or you and brother. i will show you soul has more determination than body.
and i will be me all around.
much love.
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