one of those days.

i put on a shirt today.

i do every day. but i never look in the mirror.

today i put on a shirt AND looked in the mirror.

it was a maternity shirt, so it flowed under the breasts and gave ample room for the breasts.

im swollen up top from the breastfeeding issues we are having, and i needed a roomy shirt.

i walked past the mirror and glanced in. i really couldnt stop the tears in my eyes.

how something so beautiful could exit my body and leave nothing but insecurities and jelly around, i dont know. im wiggly, joggly and basically feeling horrible.

i know these things take time, and i know it didnt come on overnight and my goals are reasonable. but it doesnt stop me from being PISSED that im wearing maternity pants, and still fitting only into hanes t shirts, MENS mind you, in a XL and 2x. im just feeling defeated. it happens frequently but my mind is able to tell the insecurities to Eff Off and give me space and time to work with. today it just overpowered me.

here is almost 5 weeks postpartum.

the only reason im posting is because ive already cried my fair share, and hopefully ill be able to come back from this and say "see, told you it wouldnt last forever."

and yes my friends, this last one is what a mother of two looks like who doesnt sleep through the night, has a colicky crying baby who is likely allergic to milk protein, has swollen sore and blistered boobs and crazy hair and who is forcing a smile though is feeling pretty bummed.

its just one of those days., itll get better. i know it.

it just helps to bitch in its entirety.

p.s. this whole "going dairy free to see if baby is allergic" while WORTH IT for my daughter really is biting my butt. it seems there are very few breakfasts you can enjoy without milk, and forget about pb&j or birthday cake....theres just no having it!

its been having me eating lots of granola, oatmeal and sandwiches which is nice. but seriously.

hoping this has pleasant side effects.

jfksadjksjfnalkjsfnlakujhenfkls,n!!

okay. im done. for now. :)