hmmmm this week.

not much to update, although i will say i am kind of dreading "weigh in". i havent owned my own scale in ever. seriously. i HATE them. but i had to get one for my weight management classes. since they are online, and im taking at least 6 months of the class i needed it...and the only thing more nervewracking than buying the scale was the measuring tape that i needed too. every week measurements of neck, arms, thighs, hips and waist, and my weight.ewwww. before i dive more into the class, just an update on my self confidence and esteem. a few weeks ago i bought a skirt in a size 24. it was a very baggy skirt, so i knew it wasnt true size, but yesterday my sister gave me 2 pairs of size 22s and a size 24 jean. they fit damn near perfectly. its irritating really. i am looking through old pictures on the memory card in my phone and im seeing myself in size 14 pants....or size 12. and here i am 18 months later HERE?! its my doing, and the pregnancy, so im trying to not be hard on myself. after all, i have photos of me after i had my son and even 8, 9, 10 months later i was still around this weight that i am now. the weight loss really picked up right before my son was about 11 months old and then progress until he was about 2. then it started coming back. why? because i ate reeses pieces all the time. i was so comfortable in my postfat body that i thought i was invincible. its as if losing the weight means it wont find you again when you make shitty choices. NOT TRUE. 

i know this time it will be better. i know the ins and outs of weight loss. sure, there are days when i think...shit, im 258 lbs. what the hell?! and i get mad and pissed and irritated that i have to do it all over again.

 then i look at Maya. i look at her and think..i would NOT be this fat had i not been pregnat with her perfect self. i would walk through fire for this girl, why wouldnt i be willing to happily walk through fat for her? and i think....yes, ive lost 30 lbs since she came. i cant see much of a difference really. but im stronger. and she sees me and doesnt see fat. she sees mamma. my son doesnt see fat, he sees pretty mahmee..."his heart" as he says. and who the hell can complain about weight when the two most important people ever think im beautiful :) itll be a long process. i just gotta tell myself. maya is 4.5 months old. did i expect to be 195 by this time? hell no! i expected to lose all the weight by month 10. ive got 4.5 MORE months to go. and i am challenging myself with this class and such. im making changes, and changing my body. im doing it. and i gotta start somewhere. my somewhere was 30 lbs ago. im NOT 288 lbs right now. im mid challenge and so what if ive got some tme and lbs to lose!? its going to come off if i am consistent. im trying to tell myself dont get mad that its not gone by 5 months..get mad if its not gone by 18 months. puts some of the pressure away :) 

anyhow. a few victories. ive eaten a smoothie every day for a bit. feel great and it helps digeston :) drinking more water. yesterday i had a subway sammich instead of the shit i wanted to eat. 

small victories. im on sub sammich closer to a better healthier weight :)

so the class.

the class is entirely online, and even the professor admits it would be easy to cheat. as she points out though, it would only be cheating ourselves. every week there is a "health habit" something easy like "drink 8 glasses of water a day" and each week it changes. there is also a journal entry, and required 20 mins of cxardio or exercise 3x a week. its good, gives me something and someone to be accountable to. here is my first entry. 

 Weight: 258.0 (EWWWWW however this IS 30 lbs down from 02.15.2012, the day i had my daughter :])

Measurements:

• Waist: 51"
• Hips: 46"
• Thigh: 27.5"
• Arm: 16"
• Chest: 47.5" (is it possible that i dont report on this one? i breastfeed currently, and i really dont think it will be a reliable measurement...my chest size changes every few hours :)

a little about me: in 2008 i had my son, and my starting weight was 281lbs. in 18 months i shrunk down to 195lbs. i did gain a little back before we became pregnant with our daughter. and i ballooned to 288. im not a graceful pregnant woman i guess! :) because i am breastfeeding, i am not limiting my calories, but i do count them a bit and i choose healthy options. i do not support or believe in diet pills or shakes or anything like that, but starting last week i do drink an all fruit smoothie that i make in the morning to kick start my energy. im determined to shave off a few more lbs through exercise and healthy food options. i knwo i wont hit the end goal (180 lbs) anytime soon but everything is a step!

longterm goal: weight: 180 lbs

goal for the end of this year: lose 30 lbs.

short term goals for this class: 

drink more water

get 60 minutes or more cardio for the week plus strength workouts

eat more fruits and vegetables and add more fish to my diet

so this week i have struggled. i am HORRIBLE at drinking the appropriate amount of water unless im accountable to someone else (thank goodness for this class). sometimes i had to force it a lot at once because id forget throughout the day. i think im going to bargain with myself. No coffee until i have a glass of water, a glass of water before lunch. a glass of water before dinner and after. i think that may be the only way i do it. i also bought some Mio to put in. honestly it helped me drink a TON more because i think it made me more thirsty, but it felt a bit too unnatural and i didnt like it.

i made some poor choices foodwise, but im not beating myself up about it. i had some cheesecake and frozen yogurt, but thats gonna be my life. its not feasible to say i wont ever have sweets, i just need to be accountable.

 anyway, we'll see how next week goes!

Health Habit:

8 glasses of water a day/ YES (but BARELY) i actually started this 2 weeks ago.

exercise: 

Monday: 20 minutes weights and strength 

Tuesday: 20 minutes weights and strength

Wednesday: 20 minutes weights and strength and 30 minutes walking